8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 2

On Wednesday we started this little trip down Facebook lane. I promised you we’d finish Friday and I think we’re a few hours late but it’s still fresh press so it is all good. Enjoy the rest and feel free to share your thoughts.

The Armchair Critic

Ah, the armchair critic.  This particular guy I have to be honest and admit I have fallen into this category multiple times.  Fortunately I have patient and kind friends who gently help me realize that perhaps I’m not the expert (In certain categories.) as much as I’d like to be.  I will never be the President of the United States.  Nor would I want to be.  Or the head coach for whatever college or professional team.  I wouldn’t want that job either.

We all know the Armchair Critic.  This is the guy who is so quick to criticize people who are actually trying to make a difference.  It may not be what they think is the best, but if you take bias opinions out, and the emotional pull of “being right” you are left with the notion that professionals have a lot of critics.  Most of which don’t have the talent to lace the shoes of the pros.

They litter your newsfeed with how awful a politician is.  And like the Debater never checks Snopes before posting disparaging “facts” about whatever horrible thing they’ve done now.  The Armchair politician, critic, coach…it doesn’t matter, he takes full advantage of having the luxury to never ever have to step up to the plate himself.

So what’s the issue?  We understand the need to vent from time to time of your frustrations of politics when they go awry.  Or to vent from time to time of the social injustices that we see spread across the headlines.  We get it.  The Armchair Critic takes it to whole new level.  Suddenly he knows all the in-betweens.  Criticizes people as though he’s been on the front lines himself.  And all of his online friends hear it daily.

And other than being a critic, one could ask what is being done about the issue?  One would think that’d be an important question to ask.  What are you, Armchair Critic, doing about your situation?  Where is your cause?  Remember in the last blog post we mentioned actually taking up a cause?  Yeah, doing something about an issue is way hotter.  Girls love guys who dive into their work.  Remember that old archetype of the hero saving people, and the girl of the story just digs it?   What if the people are your cause?   Jump in, take some hits, and go for it.  Or, sit and bitch about something that A) you have no control over.  B) Have no incentive to rise to the cause. C) Not even close to being an expert in.  Which do you think sounds more attractive?  We’ll let you do the math.

How do you fix this?  Understand, first, that each of us falls somewhat, if not entirely into these names listed.  Myself included.  Which is why it’s important to take a step back and look past the need for that second class payoff of human validation.  A wise friend once told me, “All politicians, priests, pastors, coaches, and professionals are either God or the Devil in the eyes of men.  Few fall in-between.  But once you understand that most people truly want to do their best, and we remove our bias, and understand they are more than likely doing their best; you can then see them for who they truly are.”  We could also add that in all truth, we couldn’t handle that job.  Truth be told, we should ask ourselves a lot of questions.  Like the ones I mentioned above, and ask yourself if you’re just finger pointing.  A good indicator is if you truly believe, for example, our country is in trouble because of them!  Whoever “them” might be.  Who was it who told me, “It takes two to tango.”  Something to consider for all of us.

Negative Neil

Negative Neil is a combination of a few people here.  Btw, if your name is Neil, this is pure coincidence.  Unless you’re negative 95% of the time, then yes this is specifically about you.  Neil here is a combination of The Debater, the Dramateer, and the Armchair Critic.   But he simplifies.  Which is sorta good.  Sorta.

You see, in his eyes, the World is rubbish.  Everything is rubbish.  Life is rubbish.  Job is rubbish.  Family and marriage is rubbish.  And if you post something on your own wall, trying to be positive, he will come in with something to counter it.  Not just once in a while.  ALL THE TIME.   This is the guy who even his closest friends have to say, “Can you just chill out with the negative, we understand your life sucks right now.”

This guy is different than say, your friend who really did have Life take a big steaming load on him and had to vent a little.  Or vent for a few days for that matter.  Negative Neil vents all day long.  Every single day.  Sometimes even tries to be funny about it unsuccessfully.

So what’s the issue?  I learned VERY fast in the coaching business that people run from negativity.  That is, negativity from other people.  Sort of like the guy who hasn’t showered in ten weeks noticing the guy who hasn’t showered in five.  Again, in general, people run from negativity.  That level of consistency can wear a person out.  I remember a while back while dating this girl, everything that we talked about was negative.  Everything.  I went home feeling poisoned.  That was the last I saw her.

Most people can tolerate a good chunk of negativity.  But let’s say you go on a few dates, and everything that comes out of your mouth ends on a bad note.  It won’t be long before she moves on, if she hasn’t already in her own mind.  Sometimes they just want to be polite and let you down easy.

How do you fix this?  I know that it is sometimes very hard to stay positive.  And I know, times do get tough and it is even often impossible to do it all the time!  Monitor your words.  Have a friend repeat back to you what you said so you can hear for yourself.  Sometimes hearing it, how it sounds from someone else, helps us realize just how negative we can sound.  Do your best to live with your cup half full for a bit.  May feel awkward at first, and fake, but remember, not everyone knows what you’ve been through.  Use it to empower you, not bring yourself and others down.

The Pot Stirrer

This is a toxic combination of the Dramateer, Debater, and Negative Neil, with a side salad of the other names mentioned.  The Pot Stirrer lives off of the accelerated emotion of people arguing over the internet.  Often they post a controversial news link just to stir up the crowd, and then argue for the sake of keeping the argument going.

Aside from that, the Pot Stirrer plays chameleon.  They send messages to friends, about other friends so they can watch the events unfold.  Not always so careful about how discreet they are, they’re usually found out.

So what’s the issue?  A better question is, “What isn’t the issue?”  I find if someone is eager to speak toxicity about everyone else, you can wager they’re doing the same to you.  I always lose my trust in them.  As far as attraction is concerned, most people you want to date will run from this quality.  It is both distrusting and reeks of childishness.

How do you fix this?  If you find yourself, similar to the Dramateer, in the middle of toxic relationships, and can never seem to avoid them, there is a good chance you’re part of them.  It takes a hard look in the mirror to take a look at the situations and why you feel compelled to tell “Sam” what “Joe” said about him.  Then turn around and tell “Joe” what “Sam’s” response was.

One way to take care of this; if you have friends that you know are not getting along, then doesn’t talk about that friend.  It is as simple as refusing to take part in gossip.  If they want a message sent, then let them send the message themselves, in person.  People respect someone who refuses to be a part of the poison.

The Racist, Bigot, Sexist

I placed all three here because they all belong in the same boat really.  Each has their own flavor of ignorance, but isn’t put off by allowing those around them to experience it.  I have to bring them up because though they seem few and far between, each shows up from time to time.  And when they do, it is common they are left to their ignorance without any questions asked.

They leave slandering comments that put genders, races, groups, and “types” on a lower class level than themselves.  Justified by, “observation,” they get away with it as no one tells them otherwise.

So what’s the issue?  Where to start on this?  Let’s just get this out; that more needs to be done to bring awareness to this level of ignorance.  Majority of which is bred out of fear.  I’ve seen it against homosexuality, against religions, against women, and a multitude of races.  There really isn’t a quicker way to show the world your personal level of ignorance than to be blatantly blind to it.

As far as attraction is concerned, most people you will want to date will be sensitive to one or more areas.  Usually more.  And they will cut you off like a dead limb at the first racist, bigoted, or sexist comment.

How do you fix this?  A friend once encouraged me to seek out all forms of media.  Learn all sides of the coin, even the side it balances on.  Never assume that “truth” is the same as “fact.”  And more importantly, just because others may agree with you, that doesn’t mean you or your idea is right.  Be willing to unlearn unhealthy ideas about other cultures, peoples, and creeds.  Be willing to KNOW those people and learn.  You will learn more from doing that level of homework than a lifetime of ignorance.

And finally, to wrap them all up together, look in the mirror.  Though we encourage you not to be overcritical of yourself, and to be encouraging, we also encourage you to work on yourself.  Be willing to take those steps and know what you can and cannot control.  And be willing to let go of toxic or poisonous ideas.  Piece by piece, we can encourage and coach others to do the same.

William M. Jeffries

 

8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 1

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually.  Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis.  Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always.  I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks.   Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow.  I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious.  (With the occasional exception, of course.)  And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women.  Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette.  (Yes, this too is a thing.)  As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?”  That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions.  A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me?  No.  Do I understand how they judge?  Yes.  And I use that to my advantage.”  Simple as that.  So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them.  Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works.  It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend.  For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

Uber stud?  Yep.  This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly.  Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep.  Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great.  This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily.  I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies.  This is the guy who you see with does duck lips.  Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

So what is the issue?  He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door.  And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men.  Some might be!  And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout.  And that last part is inevitable.  As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it?  Easy.  Be less self-absorbed.  First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies.  Or even pics for that matter.  Keep your posts simple and trite.  Preferably humorous.  Leave room for mystery.  Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way.  If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural.  Not posed.  Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on.  And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent.  The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

Why do we call him the bleeder?  He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery.  This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want!  You can’t tell me how to post!”  You’re right.  We can’t.  And won’t.  That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.”  “What a lonely day.”  “I wait for joy but joy never comes.”  “Figures it would turn out this way.”  (What?  What would turn out which way?)  These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy.  I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue?   Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.”  You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention.  There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague.  And the women who post in response?  You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them.  They now see the game.  They respond because they’re nice and truly care.  But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this?  First step is the biggest.  Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates.  Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is.  Stop.

Having a bad day?  Deal with it.  Vent on a friend if you have to.  Needing some attention?  Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by.  It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy.  Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain.  If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them.  The bleeder, however, has a cycle.  In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be.  Like clockwork.  We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts.  We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness.  By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials.  This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends.  Trust they will listen.  Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference.  So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended.  Don’t care?   That’s cool.  Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm.   He proudly lets the world know.  Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight.  Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree.  Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing.  Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets.  Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more.  Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows.  Quick to judge, slow to understanding.  After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

So what is the issue?  I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere.  I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone.  But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it.  It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?”  Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support.  They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time.  This is a habit.  Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause.  So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters.   Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in.  There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this?  If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome.  More power to you!  We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world.  If something matters to you, fight for it.  Just…not on your FB page.  Why?  Because it looks like you just want to fight.  People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand.  Whether you’re an expert or not.  The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down.  They will listen, and speak if they feel the need.  Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to.  It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community.  This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions.  People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them.  If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page.  This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot.  “This guy has some serious passion.”  It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added.  Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable.  Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life.  What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama.  Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you.  Truth is, he loves it.  Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins.  And where is he?  Right smack dab in the middle of it.  Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

So what’s the issue?  Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker.  After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy.  A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it.  And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not.  And it isn’t attractive.  Not one bit.  This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships.  Big red flag.

How do you fix this?  We understand the need to vent once in a while.  We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work.  But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama.  Or what role he has in the story.  If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy?  What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?”  Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with.  Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.”  Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention.  If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend.  Most friends will let you vent once in a while.  Just don’t use up that credit card.

…….continue to Part 2 on Friday.

William M. Jeffries

Health and Fitness: Wednesday Night Recap

Wednesday night was a very special night for F-1 in the sense that we had two extraordinary guest speakers talking about fitness, health, and what lies in-between.  We started out discussing three major factors in men’s health and men’s awareness of certain health needs.  Examples being cholesterol, heart health, and testosterone health and from there we landed one bombshell of a delivery from two very incredible people.

We talked about how there can be a direct link between low testosterone level and depression in men.  How, in recent studies, men have been supplemented with testosterone rather than anti-depressants and had great results.  Rather than the multiple side-effects that anti-depressants can cause, some of which making the conditions of depression even worse.

According to the Mayo Clinic, testosterone health promotes protein synthesis, bone density, sexual appetite, fat distribution, and healthy sleep cycles.  Who wouldn’t want more of that? We also talked about ways to naturally boost your body’s own ability to produce testosterone.  Supplements like tribulus, horny goat weed, and L-Arginine are important in the production of natural testosterone and healthy sexual appetite.

All very important information and I encourage you to do some homework in that area of your own personal health.  In our attraction series we mentioned how women will look at how a man takes care of himself and if she sees that he isn’t, will often ask herself, “If he doesn’t care to maintenance himself, how much less will he care about anyone else?”  With that said, I want to introduce you to two awesome people that spoke Wed evening!

Meet professional training, mad scientist and natural body building competitor, Jared Holt and his partner, who is also a natural body building competitor in the NPC, a rep for Nutrishop Pasadena, supplement guru,(Ask her anything on supplements I dare you!)  fangirl, (Way into Wonder Woman.) and all around kickass woman, Sara Ghalayini.  Both are supporters of the growing F-1 army, and good friends.  They understand why commitment and consistency are vital, not only in the health and body building field, but in life as well.

Talking with the dynamic duo, Jared confessed that growing up he, “was not exposed to the body building world.  Being raised in Buffalo, Missouri there were not a lot of body building gyms around at that time.”  Growing up and being called a bean pole, he stuck to a few sports he knew and was offered.  However, he leaned towards the comic-book genre and loved the muscular physique of many of his heroes.

After some time he was exposed to Pro-Wrestling, and then later a muscle magazine that shown that people with super hero physiques was a possibility.  This dream of becoming a body builder he kept to himself until he moved to So-Cal and began the process of reinvention.  However, despite his comic book heroes and body building gods, he made a decision to be as natural as possible so that he could be as healthy as possible.

Growing up with this dream and very little outer support, he had to make a choice to filter through what does and does not work.  This is why F-1 refers to him as our Mad Scientist Trainer, because he has studied and ultra-studied, nearly every technique, diet, and workout regime in the book.  His arsenal is so vast that form fitting a feasible workout plan for a client is easy.  “I try and see what works first, so they don’t have to.  I tell them, ‘let me fail first so I can better suite you.’”

Wed night he and Sara both gave some awesome quick tips to help people get started realistically.

1.  Don’t buy into all hype, diets, media, etc.  Give yourself a realistic conversation of what you want.
2. Consistency over perfection.  Everyone wants perfection, but few stick with consistency which in the long run makes the largest impact.
3. There are no miracle pills, supplements, etc.  Supplements only help to whatever level you’re working out with.  They’re there to help, not do the work.
4. If you CAN get a trainer, do it.  Do some homework; find one that works for you that pays attention to your personal goals and needs.  All pro’s have coaches and trainers.  They know the importance of it.  All jobs have trainers.  This is no different.
5. You can start small by using your GPS to mark out a mile and use that to walk, run, jog, sprint, or skip through.
6. Get out of the house.  Too many distractions there.

And we can’t go any further without giving you a woman’s perspective in the field of health and body building.  Meet Sara, who, not only have I worked with, but I have watched meet personal goal, after personal goal.  She is a lion when it comes to what she wants and doesn’t cut corners getting it.  I worked with her in another nutrition center and she not only was well educated in supplements, but an expert.  Not only in what each product does, but when to use such products as well.  And not only on a general level, but how each gender has different supplemental needs.

Sara at the Nutrishop

We asked her how she got started and here is what she had to say!  “I saw a women’s magazine and this lady just had a really muscular fit body and I thought that was just beautiful.  Growing up Wonder Woman has been a hero of mine but seeing that lady on the magazine I realized women can work just as hard, if not harder than men.  I struggled with confidence and weight growing up and I used fitness to gain confidence and feel good and sexy about myself.  Which is most important.  It’s not that I’m ‘strong for a girl,’ I’m just strong….period.”

In advice to the guys, “You have to be almost stronger mentally than physically to compete.  Because it literally becomes a religious routine and repetition.  But like Jared said, it is about consistency.”  Sara is now a rep for Nutrishop and sets up meal plans for beginners on a regular basis.  “It’s as simple as just taking the first step.”  She would also suggest starting with a simple supplement plan of protein, BCAA’s, and a multi-vitamin.  All three help in recovery and are essential for goals.

Both of them were able to demonstrate their wealth of knowledge to us and had samples on hand to taste the product so to speak.  At the end they gave some last bits of information before everyone there received a free shirt, samples, and were able to personally ask them health related questions.

1.  Create your own story.  Be an inspiration to others with your story and your health journey.
2. Get healthy for you, not for the girls.  In the end, you are the one that pays for it and works for it.
3. Know that getting healthy also helps in the bedroom.  In every way.  (Some serious incentive there.)
4. Get on a simple program and stick to it.  No one sees massive results right away, and the products claiming that often just want your money.
5. Consistency, consistency, consistency.

Sara-G, Adam from S.I.U. and Pam from S.I.U.

F-1 Army

F-1 is honored to have had them for guests.  If you are in the Pasadena, or L.A. area, head down to the Nutrishop and ask for Sara G, she’ll help you set yourself up.  Tell her F-1 sent you.  If you’re looking for a trainer, Mad Scientist Jared will be more than happy to put you to work.  In the mean-time, stay healthy friends.

M. Larsen

Stand In The Gap

When I was a senior in High School, I ended up having to take an underclassman Algebra class.  Mainly to make up for credits due to some car accident I was in that year that put me in a troubled teen hospital.  But that’s another story.  I hated Math.  At that point in my life I hated a lot of things about school, life, people, and math.

Because my previous class was so close to this particular one, I was always the first there and I’d sit in the back.  I was the only senior in that class and yes, I felt dumb.  I struggled with Algebra and all forms of number issues.  I always remember one kid who’d come into the room shortly after me.  Probably a sophomore or possibly a freshman.   I remember him because he was the poster child for stereotypical nerds.  Big glasses, usually wore slacks, sometimes even a bow-tie..and yes…a pocket protector.  In fact, as I’m writing this article I got out my year book, and there he is, in a bow-tie with his massive glasses.  I guess he was a sophomore after all.

He usually tried to sit near the front and avoid contact with another boy who’d come in fourth or fifth or sometimes right after him.  The other, kid, much larger, would stare him down and go sit a desk or two side-by-side with him.  Never said anything but I recognized the larger boy because he was on the Junior Varsity football team and I had seen him hanging around that crowd a lot.  Seemed decent enough, but the first time I saw him glare down the nerdy boy it struck me as odd.  What could he have possibly against him?

That tiny moment, that predator stare, I recognized it immediately.  I knew it because I remember that being done to me by other people.  The predator stalks its prey, to feel powerful, or better about themselves, or to prove something.  Whatever the case, I remembered that look all too well and it hit something in me.  Like a switch going off.  The predator was so focused it didn’t see the other eyes in the back of the room watching.  Or it didn’t care.  Either way that boy was now on my radar.

A few days passed and nothing ever came of it until later in the week I saw that look in the larger kid again.  Teacher was out in the hall or wherever teachers go for 6 or 7 minutes between classes.  But in he stalked, glaring down at the boy who would even look up.  Then he just stopped, right in front of his desk and stood there.  I knew what the boy sitting there felt like.  This larger, “tougher,” boy just staring you down and you’re on eggshells, processing what to do to not look weak, but not make him upset as to take it out on you.

I watched, eagerly, because of all of the things I mentioned above that I hated…I hated bullies the most.  A violent, sociopathic, non-healthy, sort of hate.  (I had issues, judge as you will.) And as I watched the bully started to say something.  To this day I don’t even remember what he was saying.  I do remember he bumped the smaller kid’s desk with his leg and got all wild-eyed.  The smaller kid answered meekly and was holding his pencil.  I remember because I could see his hand shaking.

I’d had enough and said, “Is there a ****’n problem?”  They both looked up at me shocked.  I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in that class since the 1^st day.  At first the bully had a look like, “who would dare?” then his skin turned pale.  Then he made a statement about how he was just joking around and they were just friends.  Funny how even in High School that excuse is still used.

I wasn’t a big kid, I was very scrappy and still fairly underdeveloped for my age, but at that point I didn’t care much for the rest of my school year.  I begged God above to give me the chance to go crazy on this bully.  Instead the bully sulked over to his seat still glaring at the other boy and muttered something under his breath.  Coward.  I spoke again, “He obviously doesn’t think so, if I ever see or hear of you bothering him again, you’ll have me as a problem.”  He insisted he was joking to which I countered with telling him to shut his mouth along with other colorful words.  From then on, in that class anyway, I was the predator watching his every move, not needing to ever speak again.

Later, after the end of the school year I was at a party at a friend’s house when a girl I had recognized approached me.  She was an upper classman to me when I was still in High School.  She thanked me for sticking up for her little brother.  She then told me how that boy had bothered her little brother from 7^th grade until his sophomore year relentlessly.  Teachers never took the parent’s complaints too seriously and the torment would continue. After that little intervention, he never bothered her brother again.  That is all it took.

I bring this up not to pat myself on the back, the world knows I have delivered my share of shame and detestable actions.  I bring this up because I was reminded of this incident today as I read the headlines of yet another kid being bullied.  Anymore you don’t have to look far and we had even written an  about this some time ago.

Recently a boy had asked Santa to bring a Christmas present early.  That present is to stop his sister from being bullied any further.  No longer did he wish for a remote control car or helicopter, but instead to intervene on behalf of his sister.  It has pierced his heart and he no longer knows where to go.  I know many parents are doing their best, but so many questions need to be asked and so many children need to know this is not okay.

How do we begin to stand up for others?  How do we fill the gap?  In our seminars we mentioned how men, true masculine, mature, men, are protectors and defenders of those who cannot fend for themselves.  No matter what race, gender, creed, or orientation.  My grandfather once told me that some courage is standing up for what is right, or for someone else, when no one else will.  I’m not sure how to close this except with one last question; what will you do to fill the gap, to stand for someone else?  What will you do?

M. Larsen

Update: Comic Con and Next Week’s Seminar!

Hello, this is just a quick update about what is going on with Full 1mpact right now.  It is currently the season for Comic Con.  And we’ll be covering what we can for the short two days we’ll be there.  Usually we’re there for the full event but we have a lot to prepare for next week.

Just to fill you in, we’ve covered Comic Con before and given advice on everything from convention etiquette to enjoying your inner geek.  Which is what Comic Con is all about; enjoying that inner fun that you remember enjoying when you were a kid.  Embracing your inner hero, and riding off into the sunset when it is all said and done.  We hope to give you a good amount of pictures for those of you who couldn’t attend this year.

So what is it we’re preparing for that is next week?  Kill the Boy II Series.  This series dives deep into the psyche and habits of both men and boys.  How boy-man/punk habits can be destructive and are the dividing line between boy behavior and true, mature,  masculinity.  This is what started Full 1mpact to begin with.  This is the meat and potatoes of who we are and what we are about.

If you missed Part I, we will catch you up in the beginning, but we still urge you to come nonetheless.  No matter what gender because what we are discussing is genuinely informative.  I often hear the objections from other males about going to a “men’s group,” and comments like, “Well I’m pretty good, I have my life well figured out,” or “Why do I need another man telling me how to live.”  Let’s be honest, quite often those are defensive objections to the stereotype idea that real men don’t need advice, direction, or coaching.

Everyone on staff here at Full 1mpact knows we will never know all there is to being the best we can be.  The great Sam Keen, even wrote in his book, “Fire in the Belly,”; “Any definition of who we are is too limiting.  I should approach myself like a country that will always contain unexplored wilderness and unfathomable seas.  Who am I?  More than I can ever know.”

Growing up I wish I had someone who could have properly showed me the ropes.  Later on when I began to open myself to the vast study of masculinity I began to see I bought a lot of lies.  And maybe still am.  But what if I could create an organization that is about unveiling the truth, no matter how scary or threatening it may seem.  Or no matter how much against the taught norms it may be.  A question I often teach others to ask themselves is this, “What if I believe a lie, about being a man, that is preventing me from a truer sense of self and lifestyle?  And would I want to know what it is if it were true?”  Many guys believe they can find it on their own by just going through life on autopilot.  I know I thought that.  And maybe a few can.  But I admit, I am always willing to know and learn more and willing to teach it to those hungry to be the best they can be at who they are.

The professional athletes have always known a secret that the average world cannot see the need for in everyday life.  We subconsciously separate the playing field believing that it does not apply to the arena or working life we are in.  But it is a lie.  And that secret is the knowledge you can use a mentor or coach.  A common saying we have in Full 1mpact, “Men embrace change and instruction, boys detest it.”  (Which seems to run true so far.)  But more on the mentorship aspect, from the words of Steve Siebold, who is one of the most successful business and professional coaches in the world.

The World Class is Coachable

Corporate America and entrepreneurs are starting to catch onto something athletes have always known:  if you want to maximize your potential in anything, hire a coach.  Coaching is to performance what leadership is to an organization.  Since human beings are primarily emotional creatures, competent coaches are experts at stoking the fires that burn within – assuming there is already (at least) a small flame.  Coaches can’t create the flame, but the good ones can turn a small flame into a blow torch.  World-class coaches won’t even accept a client if they fail to find a flame inside.  They know the flame is the prerequisite for greatness.  Average people will only accept the amount of coaching their egos will allow. Champions are well known for being the most open to the world-class coaching.  The bigger the champion, the more open-minded they are.  They great ones couldn’t care less about ego satisfaction when it comes to improving their results –all they’re looking for is an edge, no matter how slight.  Their logic behind this is simple:  when two champions go head to head, many times the only thing that favors the winner is a slight edge in thinking, strategy and technique.  All champions look for that one little advantage that great coaching can provide.  –177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class

And with that note!  I will see you next week as we explore the adventure of learning more about true masculinity.

Micah W. Larsen

5 Easy Ways to Change The World Around You In A Positive Way

Full 1mpact, being advocates of change, have always encouraged finding new ways of changing the world around us in a positive way.  Some embrace change, others detest and fear it, and many sit on the sidelines and merely complain about it.  But I believe that many would like to impact others in a positive and cause positive change, but don’t know how or where to start.

What if you could do one thing a day, every day, for the rest of your life to cause positive change in the world closest to you?  What would that life look like?  And what if that habit caught on to others?  Sometimes we buy the idea that being a voice, or a champion, is this large and grandioso event when really it is being faithful to the smaller things.  And when you put those smaller things together they make a much larger picture that impacts the worlds around you.  What if you could change your world?  What would it look like?  And where would you start?

Well, perhaps you could start here first.

1.        Light Up One Person’s Day, Every Day:

A while back I had posted a question, asking, “If you could light up one person’s day, every day; a different person a day, what kind of life would that be like?”  Those were my exact words.  I was asking myself as much as everyone else.  I wanted to see for myself.  And guess what, it’s easier than you might think.

Many will make excuses as to why they can’t or how difficult it might be without thinking out of the box just for a moment long enough to see that it isn’t that hard.  Let me show you just how easy it can be.  On my Facebook account I have over 400 friends.  More friends than there are days of the year.  The majority, if not all of them, I know and more than an acquaintance basis.  How hard would it be to write a kind, thoughtful, note to a different person a day?  Or say you don’t have that many friends, write to one or more of them several times a year perhaps.  Or write a handwritten note of appreciation to a co-worker.  From that area of thought, what about sending a card to someone randomly just to say you had them in mind.  Birthday cards are loved by all, btw.  For guys this isn’t always popular, but it is well received.  Keep that in mind.

Before an excuse makes its way through, I want to add that it takes less than five minutes.  I know because I’ve been doing this for a year now.  One person a day, every day.   That note can make a huge difference in the outcome of someone’s day.  Even if it isn’t epic, it’s still thoughtful and appreciated.  Steve Siebold, in his 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class book writes about how champions understand the power of praise and use it lavishly.  Not over the top, not in a way that is supposed to flatter, but fairly and with heart.

You may be the one person that reaches out to someone who didn’t even know they needed it.  You’re not doing this for praise; you’re doing this because you can.  Because you have the power to change someone’s day.  Use it lavishly.

2.       Give:

Give money, time, baked goods, groceries, piano lessons, whatever you want, to someone in need.  And give selflessly with no need of a “thank you.”  Donate to a charity you believe in.  But donate effectively.  Donate in way that changes lives.  Example; There are several walks or short marathons that help needy people.

If you go on a cancer walk, you get to see survivors and hear stories of people you could possibly help.  If you go to a Make a Wish event you get to meet kids who, in many cases, have a better grip on their own mortality than most adults.  You get to meet them, and by simply giving a small amount of your time walking you are changing a life.

Donate blood to blood bank and save a life.  Doesn’t take much time and someone may need it later.  Or how about donating groceries to a local food bank or needy family you know.  Many of you reading this attend a church, synagogue, or temple, and I have yet to walk into any of those who don’t have a family who attends that could use groceries.

3.       Random Acts of Kindness:

This concept can sometimes come across very vague.  But there are a lot of ways to accomplish the random acts of kindness.  I know many people who have elderly neighbors who need yard work done, so they go over and mow their lawn or trim their bushes for free.  For those who live in hard winter states you can scoop their walkways.

Sure it may take a bit of time, but the gratitude they will have is immeasurable.   But there are other ways too.  Helping a neighbor move even if they didn’t ask.  Volunteering yourself for something without being asked to do it.  If you see someone’s car out of commission you can stop and see if there is a way you can help.

One of the ways I enact this is easy and sort of leads into number four on this list.  I often go to restaurants where the server is extraordinarily good.  They don’t have to be superhuman good; they just have to be pretty good.  And on the receipt where I have to sign and give a tip; I will often write a quick note about how well they did.  (And tip a bit more than the average person because I understand that working in a serving environment is not easy.)  For those of you who serve, or have served in the past, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Little notes, offering to help, randomly taking a friend out to eat, giving your time to someone in need; are all examples of ways you can show kindness.  You may not always get thanked, but that is okay.  That’s not why you’re doing it.  You’re doing it to change the world nearest to you.

4.       Praise the Help:

In number three I mentioned how I’d write a note on a server’s receipt with praise about their work.  That’s just one example.  At a local theme park I often strike a quick conversation with the workers and tell them how grateful I am that they work there, because without them the park couldn’t run.  They don’t hear that enough.  I guarantee you.  Tell them how polite they are, or how they’re one of the most cheerful of the help.  Whatever the case may be, simply tell them with a smile.  You will make their day.

Taking this a step further, tell their boss.  One habit I really enjoy is finding a really good worker and asking for their immediate manager.  They always look concerned.  (19 out of 20 times they are getting a complaint.)  I’ll point out the worker and say, “That person over there, I have a report on them…” or something to that extent.  Now the manager really looks concerned.  And I’ll remain very serious, but genuine, and say, “They are probably one of the best workers you have.  You’d be a fool to let them go.”  Then watch as their demeanor changes.  Watch as they smile and go to the worker to praise them as well.  Sometimes in front of the other staff.

Most of the time in the corporate setting the majority of feedback a worker gets is criticism with tiny, tiny, tiny tidbits of praise.  So miniscule that the criticism is where the focus is.  Your public recognition of their hard work will make a difference.  All too often we simply want our food and only pay attention if the service is bad.  Try paying attention to when the service is good and see what results you get!

On two occasions, that I’m aware of, at a local restaurant I enjoy frequenting, I’ve seen staff that was really good at what they did promoted shortly after the public praise.  Was I a direct result of that?  I don’t know, but whatever the case, it probably helped.

Harry Gordon Selfridge, who started the Selfridge’s department stores in England, thought it was so important to lead staff rather than boss staff even wrote about it in his book, “The Romance of Commerce.”  This was written in 1918, when employment laws were much worse than they are today.  Few felt the need to praise the help, especially employers.  Why would they?  They were employees, why would they need any recognition for just doing their job?  Mr.  Selfridge thought differently and was known for publicly and loudly praising staff on a job well done.  He wrote in his book, “A boss drives his men, a leader coaches them; a boss depends on authority, a leader on goodwill; a boss knows how it is done, a leader shows how.”  He goes on to show the difference and the importance of recognition.   It’s easy.

5.       Be Present and Listen:

Sometimes the only thing a friend needs is your presence.  Words will matter little, and advice will matter even less.  I cannot tell level of gratitude I had when life had kicked me to the curb and a friend made it known that they were there for me.  They didn’t give advice, they didn’t try to steer or control the situation, and they just listened.  Because really that is all I needed.

On the other side, I have had times where I just needed the presence of a friend, but instead got a lecture.  Often the lecturer knew as little about the topic, trouble, or situation, as I did.  But were eager to give ill-informed advice nonetheless.  To be on the receiving end isn’t fun, but because you’re friends you also do not want to burst their often self-righteous bubble.  Their intention is good, but the delivery is something to be desired.

Being present is a bit of an art form.  To be present is to allow your spirit to connect to theirs by empathizing to the nature of the drama, so to speak.  Empathizing to their spirit, their pain or wound, and not offering advice.  Simply listening, allowing yourself to walk through the course, concerned, but strong because you are there.  By exploring this walk you learn as much about your spirit as you do theirs, often.

There have been a number of times, eager to give advice; I know I had overstepped my bounds by trying to be a mouthpiece, rather than just being present.  However, the times I’ve stopped, listened, learned, and reached out, I learned as much about myself as I did them.  I prevented myself from judging and simply allowed myself to learn.  To seek the words I was hearing and pull them deep.  Perhaps see if I too had a similar wound.  And if not, to try and allow myself to feel what it must be like.

When I was much younger and went camping with my grandparents, I would often sit in the campgrounds with my grandfather on lawn chairs, watching nature.  Not a word would be spoken, but the presence of one another was enough to be meaningful beyond normal understanding.  It was as though watching the trees, birds, and river flow, allowed us to grow spiritually like nature itself.  Those moments, watching the Sun dive beneath the evergreens in the mountains and hearing the river murmur to the trees, are like gold.  In recent years I try hard to be that presence to friends who need it or family who needs it.

All of these examples are just simple ways of changing the world near you.  I’m sure many of you could find hundreds of other examples, these are just my favorite.  There are numerous ways to change the world to a more positive way, but you have to start somewhere.  Rather than expressing an armchair opinion on an over-opinionated forum, stand up and begin doing something about it.  One day, you’ll look back and be grateful you did.  And those nearest to you will be richer for it.

–William M Jeffries

Violence is Madness, So is Silence

When I first started this article I wasn’t sure where to even begin. Not that there isn’t enough material on the subject of men and violence, but that there is so much that everything sort of crosses over. Full 1mpact© has long been advocates of Amnesty International and strongly opposed against, not only violence against women, but violence towards children as well. We despise bullying and anything that exploits people and preys upon the common person.

So where to begin? I suppose by just jumping in the pool with the attempt of being heard. As a man against violence towards women and children, and other people. When speaking with another friend of mine about this article and some hang-ups I’d been having he asked if I thought there was ever a time violence was appropriate. I said, flatly, “never.” He then raised his eyebrows and said, “Really? Then why were you a boxer and still enjoy combat sports.” That’s the truth. I love combat sports. I always have. The drama, the victory, the hard work, all of it is exciting to me.

So lets be clear, the violence I am NOT talking about is boxing, MMA, or other combat sports where two trained athletes or fighters are entering an arena knowing full well what they are about to get into. Some people hate even that level of violence. I do not hate it, I very much enjoy it. But that isn’t what I’m writing about here.

The violence I am so adamantly against is one person abusing another person. Abusing by either bullying, sexually abusing someone, verbally, or physically in some way. Part of my frustration is this common belief in victim shaming. The common idea is that the victim must have done something to provoke that behavior. I remember experiencing this first had in Kindergarten.  Without going into heavy detail about my home situation with a step-parent, I went to my teacher. I was five years old. I told her I had been struck, several times. Her response was, “Well, what did you do so that happened?” I’ll never forget the sense of solitude I would carry from that day forward. I would later go on to tell two others who could have done something but did nothing, or had similar responses.

What could a child, of 5 yrs, do to provoke being slammed into a wall or stricken by an adult? The answer is nothing. It is a five year old child. What about women? The answer remains the same. I even had a gentleman once ask me, “What if she a hostile woman and is physically abusive herself?” I answered with, “Why would you stay in any relationship with physical violence? Or any violence for that matter?”

Violence is a choice, ladies and gentlemen. You can act on it, or you can control it. Or you can speak up and get help. Two things work against a lot of victims. One is victim shaming, where somehow the victim is part of this dance. The other is the silence of others who know about it. Either willingly in denial or using the scapegoat of, “It’s none of my business.”  If it is public, it is your business. If you can hear it through your living room walls it is your business. Hearing it is witnessing it. Stand up because you might end up being someone’s guardian angel when they need it the most. I cannot tell you the number of times I wished someone would have stepped in for me.

I also challenge you to support a local charity or a group, like Amnesty International. Which brings me to the next part of this story; As I was clearing my thoughts and going through what material to use I came across an article about a strong girl named Heather and a gentleman, Sir Patrick Stewart. In this clip he is at a fan convention and asked a question aside from his acting, aside from his known role as Captain Pickard. His reaction is that of a true man. One who has not only experienced the trauma in his own way, but is making a stand. And the girl, a lucky Heather Skye; who asked the question and received love, comfort, and reassurance from one human, to another.

Heather, there are those who are championing the cause, as we all know you are. Lead on and never stop. Men, you must also lead by example to your fellow man. Stick up for those who cannot stick up for themselves. Step in, speak up, speak out, and cover those who cannot cover themselves. It is a thankless job at times, you will be challenged, but you will never regret standing in the gap for those who cannot stand for themselves.

Heather’s own words from her blog.

With that said, please enjoy the media and live strong.

M. W. Larsen

Five Meals Every Man Should Know How To Prepare

I come from a strange school of thought that not only should everyone know how to cook, but that cooking is a sign of independence.  Think about it for a moment.  This is a sign you don’t rely on mom or dad to prepare meals for you.  This is also one of the first signs of moving into adulthood in my opinion.  It is also cost effective if you do it right, and can be impressive to others.

I have often ran into the sexist theme of women should be the one who cooks, etc., played out over and over again.  And I have had clients in the past that never learned how to even boil water.  They’ve relied on their parent, (namely their mother.)  To cook for them and when they’ve landed a girlfriend they either ate out all the time or they relied on her to do the cooking.  I’ve said it before; women do not like being turned into your mom.

With that being said, I believe most guys should have five staple meals they know how to prepare well.  Not a huge number.  And think about what I said before, about this being a sign of independence and maturity.  Independence is a good thing, and cooking is sexy, if done right, for anyone man or woman.  The great thing about cooking is that it reaches all genders, all cultures, and can communicate a lot about you without saying a word.

1.  Chili:  Learn how to make a good chili.  Google good chili recipes and find one that works for you.  It’s easy to prepare and you usually set to simmer for only a few hours.  What’s so awesome about chili?  It’s perfect for those cloudy, rainy days or those snowy wintery days.  Add either a cinnamon roll or butter rolls into the mix and you have yourself a date night with cold weather, chili and a movie.  Plus, if you’re vegan or she is, just take out the meat and add another ingredient and it will still work!

2.  Eggs:  Scrambled, sunny-side-up, poached, whatever your desire is, eggs are easy and cheese to make and take little time or effort to throw together.  If you are worried about cholesterol, like me, then just use egg whites with some five grain toast and you have yourself a great breakfast or evening breakfast at your fingertips.

3.  Spaghetti or Pasta:  Spaghetti is easy to make.  Boil water.  Put in the pasta; let it sit in boiling water for appropriate time according to the type of pasta, while stirring occasionally.  Simmer the sauce, adding a few spices or variants if necessary.  Put those two together and bam!  Pasta.  Spaghetti.  Whatever.  It’s easy.  The great thing about pasta is that it is a sexy meal.  Easy to prepare and super sexy.  Serve with wine or Champaign and you have a great date, without spending two hundred presidents and it can take very little time.

4.  French toast:  French toast is a great breakfast/dessert type of meal that is great with a partner, or even alone.  Easy to make and very, very tasty.  The variant could be pancakes, because most people love a good pancake or waffle.  I prefer French toast.  Easy to make and the better you get at it, the more variety of ways you can serve it.  Use Texas style toast for bread, sour dough bread, or even add cinnamon to the batter before putting it on the skillet.  My grandfather liked adding beer to the batter and it tasted amazing!

5.  Grilled or Seared Chicken Breast:  This one can be made on any grill or stove top.  Either use and actual grill or a frying pan.  Buy boneless, skinless, chicken breast and cut up into bite sized bits or leave as a whole breast.  I’d suggest finding a few easy recipes on Google and following them to a tee.  Usually it isn’t very time consuming but if you put a lot of care into this one, you can make a simple meal look very sexy and extravagant.  I prefer marinating the chicken and using organic olive oil.  Serve with rice or Italian salad and you have a perfect date night.  Again, without spending two hundy to a restaurant.  Imagine being able to say, humbly, yes I prepared this meal.

These are just my choices because they’re very easy to prepare, and universal.  And honestly the first five meals I knew how to make in this lifetime.  I still enjoy serving each of them, but now I try to add things to make them more interesting or tastier!  I believe as a guy, having five staple meals is a great start.  You don’t necessarily have to use my five, but like I said, they’re simple, they work, and easy to prepare.

If you have any other suggested meals, post them below, I’m sure you’ll help other guys find their niche staple meals!  But this is a great start to finding more things to cook in the future.

William M. Jeffries

Interview With Dr. Timaree

Full 1mpact recently had the chance to interview Dr. Timaree. We believe of all of the times we want people to pay attention, this is one of them! So pay attention, this interview has a lot of great information in it especially since this answers a lot of questions many guys have as we’re delving into the Attraction Series. –William M. Jeffries

Interview withTimaree:
Full 1mpact: We first want to acknowledge and thank you, Dr. Timaree for taking time out of your busy schedule for us. Your work and knowledge of both sexuality and overall human rights are pretty spectacular. If someone wanted more information about you and your work, where could they go and what could they expect to see?

Dr. Timaree: Awww, shucks. Thanks to you too, for your work! My work is spread out all over the interwebs Sex with http://sexwithtimaree.com/, the podcast on iTunes http://tinyurl.com/swtpod, the Facebook community http://www.facebook.com/sexwithtimaree , and syndicated on a few websites run by other folks. Someone who checks these out will hopefully find a passion for sex positivity, social justice, rational discourse about sensitive topics and a penchant for appropriately timed F bombs.

Full 1mpact: What are some projects you are currently working on or which cause you are diving into at the moment?

Dr. Timaree: My podcast and website and facebook page are all ongoing ventures into keeping positive sexuality in people’s lives. What I focus on depends on what’s in the news. For many years, our time was focused on marriage equality. But the tipping point on that has past, so now I focus more on talking about street harassment, teaching media critique to pop culture consumers, affecting legislation around reproductive health and the body image issues that young people face.

Full 1mpact: In a recent seminar entitled, “The Man Myths,” we discussed what seems to be the degeneration of the male character in the last several decades. According to the 2011 US Department of Census, nearly 43% of children live without their father. What effect do you believe this has on kids, and more specifically boys and men?

Dr. Timaree: I think that it’s entirely possible for a young person, and a young man specifically, to be raised entirely by females and come out a completely functional, strong-of-character human being. That needs to be said.

However, I think that young men need to be disabused of the notion that their impact as a parent is somehow lesser. Because I also think a child can be raised entirely by males and still be a perfect adjusted human. Parenting is not a gendered activity. Nor is it an easy one. Males need to be reminded of their POWER as fathers, of the potential that parenting offers them, and the pride that can come from being a man who is strong, reliable and nurturing. Males get a lot of messages about how they can demonstrate power and influence. Let’s deconstruct those messages and see which ones are real and have lasting, long-term impact and which are just a superficial façade for the now.

Full 1mpact: A common theme we get asked at Full 1mpact is, “How can I become more attractive to others?” In your opinion what is something guys can do when approaching women (Or someone they’re attracted to.) to come across more attractive?

Dr. Timaree: This is one thing that men’s magazines do consistently get right (when they ask some random model this question). Because the answer is actually: confidence. However, there’s a big difference between self-involved arrogance and genuine confidence that radiates outward.

Confidence means that you don’t have to overcompensate by being flashy. That kind of peacocking will definitely get attention and land you some dates. That’s the whole thing behind Pickup Artistry. You can definitely strut and crow your way into a girl’s world. But that only works on a specific type of girl, namely one who believes in old-school stereotypes about gender and isn’t entirely sure of herself…. and needs your perceived masculine strength to make up for her lack of perceived ability.

So I guess it ultimately depends on WHOM you are trying to attract. Women are not wholly different from men in what they want: someone who is good looking, smart, fun to be around, and really, most significantly, LIKES THEM. We are attracted more to people who show attraction to us.

This is when it gets confusing for some. Because for those who aren’t patient enough for nuance, that means hollering at a girl is showing interest. Telling her she’s pretty, going right to asking her out, whatever. But I mean real, genuine interest in her as a person. Making it obvious that you’re into her specifically and not just throwing darts randomly to see what lands. Mastering this nuance is the difference between being perceived as a lame street harasser and being the kind of confident person who takes risks to try to win over someone they think is worth the trouble. Because the former is annoying, the latter is fascinating.

Full 1mpact: What is a common mistake most men make that they often overlook?

Dr. Timaree: In approaching women? I’d say there are some men who don’t take the time to learn how to read social cues. If someone consistently says they’re getting “friend-zoned” or something of that nature, it usually means a)they have a mistaken sense of entitlement that kindness towards women merits getting sex in return and b) they are not very skilled at reading facial/non-verbal shows of attraction.

This is a learned skill, cultivated through years of active effort to be aware of what everyone around you is feeling. And it’s not just some code like “she touched my arm, that is a sign of attraction.” It’s really trying to tap into the experience of another person so you can either get on their wave-length or get them on yours. It’s helpful in business, it’s helpful in social interactions, it’s definitely useful in dating. But, for some reason, it’s often undervalued.

Full 1mpact: In our “Attraction Series,” we discussed why one-liners and comments about women’s “assets” are not only ineffective, but really bad form. As a woman, I’m sure you’ve either witnessed or experienced this first hand. Can you tell us what that is like, how that translates to women, and why it is direly important to provoke simple conversation over previously mentioned behavior?

Dr. Timaree: Like I mentioned above, those things have very limited application. Yes, everyone wants to be attractive. But we want to be valued and respected too. And if the only feedback you give is on looks, which is pretty standard for a female to get, then it’s lame and uncreative (everyone does it to her all the time, especially if she is conventionally attractive) and also makes you seem like a person who only values her body. You’ll be simply adding yourself to the list of randoms who harass her on the street, yelling out the window that she has a nice ass.

And on top of that, in a world where 1 in 4 females experience an attempted or completed sexual assault, sexual comments of this nature can be disconcerting and even threatening. We don’t know if a guy is just fumbling for how to start conversation or if he’s going to get mad when he doesn’t get a positive response and then turn vicious. It’s not uncommon for a street harasser to say a woman is beautiful and then call her a stupid, ugly bitch when she doesn’t respond. Separate yourself from those guys in your behavior as much as possible.

Full 1mpact: What is something you wish most men would think about or focus on that would make a big difference in society as a whole?

Dr. Timaree: Wow. That’s a big question! I wish that all people could work on empathy and cultivating the skills to imagine reality through a lens of experience different than their own. One of the biggest sources of conflict is assuming we understand someone else’s beliefs, thoughts and motivations.
It’s easy to make a villain out of someone if you never bother to genuinely listen to their perspective. And one of the challenges for men, especially white heterosexual men, is to realize that they have not been socialized to think from other vantages. The vast majority of history, art, media and politics are constructed to speak the language and experience of middle-class white straight men, to depict their experience as default and universal. It takes an awakening to realize this is not most people’s reality, however, that there are other, equally valid vantages.

It’s not an individual man’s fault that he doesn’t know what life is like for a woman, especially a woman of color, a queer woman, etc. But it is his fault if he fails to try to do anything about it, if he fails to seek out media created by those groups and never gets around to listening to anything they have to say.

And this is not a problem solely for men. White women need to seek out and consume media created by people of color. Able-bodied folks need to read an essay or two written by someone with a physical disability. Americans need to read international news written by local reporters. It’s helpful to get that insight, to have the ability to contemplate how something will be perceived by someone else.

What is something a guy can do today to begin changing for the better, not only to be more attractive as a whole, but also more helpful?
I think this goes for all people: but to never become complacent, never assume you know enough. Always be learning, always be interested in gaining new insights and experiences.

This can mean reading books by authors from countries that you couldn’t find on map and going to events that feel out of your comfort zone. Take a class in something totally out of your element, politely make conversation with total strangers about something of substance.

Face the possibility of failure, look for experiences where you will probably not win. Be OK with looking silly, being perceived by people as being weird. Put yourself out there to be rejected, experience rejection, survive it. The strength you acquire from these learning opportunities will last longer than any other kind because it will be real.

Full 1mpact: And lastly what are some things you see some guys doing right that you find attractive?

Dr. Timaree: We are all drawn to the idea of adventure, fun and intelligence. We want to be around people who smile and laugh and make others around them smile and laugh. When we feel good about ourselves, we are attracted to the things we want to be like: happy, confident, and capable.

Many men shy away from showing enthusiasm. They’ve been told it’s gay or feminine to get excited about anything other than a short list of appropriately masculine interests (football, strip clubs, etc). But fewer and fewer people are falling for that and you want to draw in the folks who see possibilities, not limitations. You can generate excitement in others by demonstrating that you’re excited. I mean, what is sexier than seeing or feeling evidence that someone is turned on? Strive to be that… although not necessarily by walking around with a hard-on all day.  Get amped up about stuff, be ready for adventure, be game for life.

Full 1mpact: We want to thank you for your time and for your thoughts. We will continue to send our support.

Five Life Lessons I Learned as a Boxer

When I look back at the different sports I had tried when growing up, boxing in my opinion was the best. Team sports just never suited me and as my grandfather once put it, “If it’s one vs. one then the only person you have to blame is yourself.” That level of advice can either be comforting or the realization that you only have yourself to rely on, can be frightening.
Taking a glance back to those days, I realize that there were life lessons being learned. Lessons that I would later understand could be applied to any area of life with ample amount of success. These lessons are easy to learn and can give you and edge.

Learn to Stand:

When I first started boxing at the ripe old age of seventeen I half expected to immediately learn know to send my fist straight into some dude’s pie hole. Nope. Not my coach. He’d first teach me that if I was to learn anything, it’d be with the ability to stand. What I mean is, in boxing, there is a specific way of standing so your weight is not only balanced, but you also to utilize the same weight to add a lot of power to your punches. And a way to stand that you won’t be knocked around so easily, yet move fairly lucid.

In life, if you’re going to get anywhere, you’re going to need to learn to stand and learn balance. Whether you’re standing up for yourself, for who you are, for who you want to be, taking a stand, or simply standing on your own, independently; standing is survival in its most raw form. Without the ability to stand strong, you become off balance. Life can, and will, (I guarantee.) will knock you around, and then knock you down. If you’re off balance you cannot become flexible and maneuver through life so easily.

However, learning to stand on your own is liberating. No longer do you rely on others to stand for you, speak for you, or decide for you; you are able to do so alone. Not to say there won’t be times when you need someone there to lean on when encountering the fight of your life, those times do happen. But not all the time. Standing is being that pillar of strength, unshaken, relentless, and like cast iron. You move when you must, fluidly and balanced.

Throw a Correct Punch:

The second thing I learned was, of course, how to hit. My first coach, fortunately, was a perfectionist to some degree. He insisted in starting with a slow jab. First, slowly going through the motion then perfecting it as you speed up. From one jab I graduated to the double jab, then a double jab and left hook combo. Then the traditional one, two, and one two three combo’s. He always told us to never just throw one punch, always throw a minimum of two, and more if possible to open the guy up. And always punch THROUGH the target for more power. Your target isn’t his face; it’s the back of his head. Your target isn’t his belly, it’s his spine. You’re just reaching it through the front door.

His son threw what I thought was a perfect hook. I wanted to throw a hook exactly like that, and one late practice he showed me how. Of course, it took me years and years to get close to how sharp he had it. I must have thrown hundreds of thousands of hooks in the bathroom mirror trying to perfect it. I moved away from that town to where I live today and found another coach. During practice he saw the hook and asked, “Where’d you learn to throw a hook like that and make it stick, son?” I told him I had a few good coaches. That hook would save me from losing a few fights in the ring, and give me confidence where I had none previously.

With life comes adversity. Some of us are born into it, others it shows up later on in life. Either way, it is there. Learning to punch in boxing is like learning to throw down in life. Life will come at you and often hit you. You must push forward. You must stand up, look adversity in the eye, and throw a punch. At first, sometimes, it seems difficult and clumsy. But every time you throw your focus out there, or you throw your faith out there, and you stand up and say, “I can do this!” it gets easier to hit. The target gets more finite. You no longer throw wild haymakers, you use the balance you got when you learned how to stand and you twist, throwing your power from the depths of your soul through adversity. You punch through it to get to your goals in life, with your eyes never leaving your real target.

You Will Be Hit, and You Will Be Knocked Down:

This goes without saying, if you join a boxing club, (I’m not talking about those aerobic boxing thingies, I am talking about a real competing gym where you get in a real ring.) you will be hit. A lot. You will be knocked down. You will be cut and bruised. You will be hit so damn hard your bones will rattle and you will see pretty lights. And all of it will happen before you compete in your first registered fight.

Then, once you fight, you will be knocked down. You will be hit so hard your body gives up. Sometimes you can get back up, and sometimes you will sleep and be unable to. But you have to answer to that. You cannot just stand there and let yourself be hit. You have to get up and hit back. I don’t have to tell anyone reading this how hard life hits. As Rocky told his son, “No one hits as hard as life, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.” Fictional as he is, no truer words could have been spoken. I have had spirit breaking moments in my life. I have had times in my life where I wondered why I was here. I’d beg whatever God was listening to just finish me. But see, my fight isn’t over yet.

Once we accept the fact that sometimes tough things happen, we must move over it, through it, around it, behind it, or on top of it, and get refocused on your goal. So you were hit, so you were knocked down, so what. Get up. Fight on. I remember getting punched in the face so hard that I heard a weird pop then told a friend that the last hit I took really hurt. He looked at me, smirked, and then said, “We all get hit, you’ll get used to it.” Later in life, I’d find out my nose had been broken nearly a dozen times. If I wanted to fight on, I had to get over it. And I did. And if I can do it, so can you.

You Must Get In The Ring:

In boxing, to call yourself a real fighter you must have several fights on your record. You must get in the ring. You have to face that opponent one on one, or you’re not considered a fighter, let alone a contender. Lots of guys are tough guys, lots of guys walk and strut and put on a good show. But lots of guys are not fighters. There is a difference. There is something to getting in that ring where you learn lessons in life that cannot be expressed in words alone. My first fight I learned a thousand lessons.

Something about getting in that ring makes it so you have nothing to prove to anyone. Not ever. If a person cannot step into that ring, then it doesn’t matter how much strutting and puffing one does, they will not impress a fighter. A fighter will walk away from a non-ring fight, with the words, “Come to the ring if you wanna fight,” on their mantle. When you step into that ring, you, and you alone, are responsible for the win. No one else. Just you.

Everyone reading this has an arena of their own they contend in. Everyone. But not everyone gets in the ring. Not everyone takes responsibility for losing the fight. This concept stretches to the far reaches of your soul though. Everything you do, everything you are, is an arena of some kind. But the ring, that’s something else entirely. That’s the part where you put it all on the line. There are a lot of armchair politicians, eager to badmouth a leader here, and a leader there. There are a lot of armchair football coaches, baseball coaches, and the list goes on. There are a lot of critics and cynics, complainers, and advice givers. But there are not a lot of people doing anything about it. Whatever “it” is. Not a lot of people getting in the ring. Because to get in the ring, means you have to win or lose and face who you are. What you’re capable of. You have to stand before an audience and throw down with life. The audience may or may not approve. It doesn’t matter because it is you in there, not them.
As you’re reading this, ask yourself, “Am I winning this thing, or is life having its way with me?” Be honest. Because despite anything that’s happened to us so far in life, the majority of us are where we are because of what we have chosen. There are few, very few, exceptions. My coach would tell me, “Know that your opponent is training as hard, if not harder, than you. You know if you’re pushing yourself or not.”

Get a Good Coach:

My first coach was a hardened, tough as nails, Vietnam vet, who called us princesses, but still believed in us. He taught me more than the basics, and despite his grizzled outer shell, he cared for all of his fighters. He knew what to look for, and he knew how to teach. He knew how to break it down to you so you could understand what it is you needed in order to go the extra mile.

My second coach was out here on the West Coach and quite literally looked exactly like Little Mac’s coach from that 80’s game, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. His knuckles were freakishly huge and he was a former professional fighter and a champion. When he found out I was a South Paw, (Someone who fights unorthodox, or is left handed.) he said he wouldn’t coach me until I learned orthodox style. Discouraged but still eager to fight, I did it anyway.

I would start out each of the fights I had with this coach orthodox; then when he told me to, I’d switch to southpaw. Simple, but effective, strategy that brought a few good wins my way. He would push me until I didn’t think I could go any further. Through all of this he’d continue to encourage me and I always knew I he had my back. In fact, both of my coaches I was very proud to have in my corner. I know a bad coach when I see one these days, and both of these men were outstanding coaches.

I will tell you this, like I’ve told many other guys in the seminars, if you have not had a mentor in this lifetime, I truly grieve for you. Some people’s parent or parents are good mentors. Some people have several mentors. Others have none. A mentor is someone who sees outside of your sphere of influence as you know it. They see the big picture and the inner workings both, and they see what you cannot yet see. They are like a guiding light. They will not fight the fight for you, but they are beside you, pushing you, and in your corner, getting your spit bucket ready with an earful of helpful advice to take down this opponent.

A mentor, or a coach, is someone you surround yourself with that has no problem telling you that you’re getting lazy in there. At the same time they care that you win. They are givers, and creators, they live knowing and hoping whatever it is that they help you with, or push you towards, that you will be great. They need very little thanks, because their livelihood is centered on helping others get through the very obstacles they overcame themselves.

Just like competing in boxing without a coach makes no sense, so does fighting through life with no mentor, no coach. Find someone that you see as better than, or more successful than yourself and draw close to them. Ask them to mentor you. Study their work and emulate them. Becoming a better artist means you watch great artists work, and you work hard yourself. Same goes for writing and music. Same goes for engineering and construction work. Any job, career, or life time dream has someone who has mastered it. Find a master and learn from them.

—William M. Jeffries