8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 1

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually.  Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis.  Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always.  I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks.   Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow.  I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious.  (With the occasional exception, of course.)  And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women.  Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette.  (Yes, this too is a thing.)  As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?”  That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions.  A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me?  No.  Do I understand how they judge?  Yes.  And I use that to my advantage.”  Simple as that.  So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them.  Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works.  It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend.  For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

selfie

Uber stud?  Yep.  This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly.  Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep.  Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great.  This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily.  I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies.  This is the guy who you see with does duck lips.  Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

selfie2

So what is the issue?  He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door.  And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men.  Some might be!  And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout.  And that last part is inevitable.  As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it?  Easy.  Be less self-absorbed.  First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies.  Or even pics for that matter.  Keep your posts simple and trite.  Preferably humorous.  Leave room for mystery.  Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way.  If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural.  Not posed.  Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

fishsympathy

This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on.  And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent.  The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

fish

Why do we call him the bleeder?  He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery.  This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want!  You can’t tell me how to post!”  You’re right.  We can’t.  And won’t.  That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.”  “What a lonely day.”  “I wait for joy but joy never comes.”  “Figures it would turn out this way.”  (What?  What would turn out which way?)  These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy.  I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue?   Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.”  You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention.  There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague.  And the women who post in response?  You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them.  They now see the game.  They respond because they’re nice and truly care.  But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this?  First step is the biggest.  Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates.  Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is.  Stop.

Having a bad day?  Deal with it.  Vent on a friend if you have to.  Needing some attention?  Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by.  It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy.  Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain.  If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them.  The bleeder, however, has a cycle.  In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be.  Like clockwork.  We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts.  We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness.  By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials.  This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends.  Trust they will listen.  Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference.  So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended.  Don’t care?   That’s cool.  Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

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You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm.   He proudly lets the world know.  Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight.  Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree.  Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing.  Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets.  Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more.  Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows.  Quick to judge, slow to understanding.  After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

politics

So what is the issue?  I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere.  I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone.  But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it.  It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?”  Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support.  They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time.  This is a habit.  Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause.  So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters.   Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in.  There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this?  If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome.  More power to you!  We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world.  If something matters to you, fight for it.  Just…not on your FB page.  Why?  Because it looks like you just want to fight.  People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand.  Whether you’re an expert or not.  The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down.  They will listen, and speak if they feel the need.  Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to.  It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community.  This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions.  People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them.  If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page.  This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot.  “This guy has some serious passion.”  It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

drama

Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added.  Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable.  Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life.  What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama.  Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you.  Truth is, he loves it.  Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins.  And where is he?  Right smack dab in the middle of it.  Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

dramafb

So what’s the issue?  Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker.  After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy.  A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it.  And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not.  And it isn’t attractive.  Not one bit.  This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships.  Big red flag.

How do you fix this?  We understand the need to vent once in a while.  We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work.  But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama.  Or what role he has in the story.  If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy?  What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?”  Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with.  Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.”  Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention.  If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend.  Most friends will let you vent once in a while.  Just don’t use up that credit card.

…….continue to Part 2 on Friday.

William M. Jeffries

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