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8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 1

Posted in attraction, friend zone with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2013 by full1mpact

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually.  Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis.  Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always.  I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks.   Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow.  I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious.  (With the occasional exception, of course.)  And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women.  Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette.  (Yes, this too is a thing.)  As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?”  That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions.  A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me?  No.  Do I understand how they judge?  Yes.  And I use that to my advantage.”  Simple as that.  So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them.  Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works.  It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend.  For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

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Uber stud?  Yep.  This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly.  Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep.  Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great.  This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily.  I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies.  This is the guy who you see with does duck lips.  Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

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So what is the issue?  He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door.  And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men.  Some might be!  And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout.  And that last part is inevitable.  As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it?  Easy.  Be less self-absorbed.  First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies.  Or even pics for that matter.  Keep your posts simple and trite.  Preferably humorous.  Leave room for mystery.  Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way.  If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural.  Not posed.  Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

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This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on.  And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent.  The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

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Why do we call him the bleeder?  He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery.  This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want!  You can’t tell me how to post!”  You’re right.  We can’t.  And won’t.  That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.”  “What a lonely day.”  “I wait for joy but joy never comes.”  “Figures it would turn out this way.”  (What?  What would turn out which way?)  These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy.  I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue?   Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.”  You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention.  There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague.  And the women who post in response?  You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them.  They now see the game.  They respond because they’re nice and truly care.  But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this?  First step is the biggest.  Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates.  Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is.  Stop.

Having a bad day?  Deal with it.  Vent on a friend if you have to.  Needing some attention?  Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by.  It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy.  Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain.  If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them.  The bleeder, however, has a cycle.  In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be.  Like clockwork.  We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts.  We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness.  By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials.  This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends.  Trust they will listen.  Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference.  So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended.  Don’t care?   That’s cool.  Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

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You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm.   He proudly lets the world know.  Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight.  Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree.  Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing.  Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets.  Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more.  Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows.  Quick to judge, slow to understanding.  After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

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So what is the issue?  I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere.  I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone.  But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it.  It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?”  Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support.  They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time.  This is a habit.  Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause.  So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters.   Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in.  There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this?  If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome.  More power to you!  We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world.  If something matters to you, fight for it.  Just…not on your FB page.  Why?  Because it looks like you just want to fight.  People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand.  Whether you’re an expert or not.  The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down.  They will listen, and speak if they feel the need.  Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to.  It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community.  This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions.  People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them.  If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page.  This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot.  “This guy has some serious passion.”  It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

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Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added.  Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable.  Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life.  What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama.  Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you.  Truth is, he loves it.  Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins.  And where is he?  Right smack dab in the middle of it.  Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

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So what’s the issue?  Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker.  After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy.  A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it.  And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not.  And it isn’t attractive.  Not one bit.  This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships.  Big red flag.

How do you fix this?  We understand the need to vent once in a while.  We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work.  But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama.  Or what role he has in the story.  If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy?  What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?”  Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with.  Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.”  Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention.  If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend.  Most friends will let you vent once in a while.  Just don’t use up that credit card.

…….continue to Part 2 on Friday.

William M. Jeffries

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Bully, Bully, Bully

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2012 by full1mpact

                Lately in the news I’ve been seeing a trend in the headlines on bullying.  It surfaces and resurfaces about every five years.  Every time it resurfaces there are new statistics on kids being bullied, workplace bullying, cyber bullying and so forth.  As of now, according to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children,  each day it is estimated that 160,000 students refuse to  go to school because of bullying.  That doesn’t include the children that do go back.  The ones that suffer daily. 

                There are more statistics covering suicides related to constant bullying, drug abuse, and other destructive symptoms of being targeted.  As technology grows, then so does the ways in which one can bully.  Cyber bullying itself has gotten some media buzz due to the mob mentality behind it.  How it’s easy to bully when you don’t have a face or have to be in person to issue the verbal abuse.  But what about adults, or workplace bullying?  Is this growing as well as we move into the second decade of the new century?

                What sparked my interest in writing this article in a blog related to men’s development is sort of two fold.  I had first seen the recent news stories on the woman, Karen Klein, who was horribly bullied by young middle school kids as a bus monitor.  The second is myself, being someone who didn’t hit his growth spurt until almost the end of High School and was bullied.  I cannot stand bullies or the nature behind it.  Though I fully understand it.

                Personally I do not believe this is a new epidemic.  Not at all.  Nor do I believe it is “on the rise.”  I believe we are merely being made aware of it.  When I grew up no one talked about it much.  If a kid was picked on to the point his or her parents were involved, then usually the kid would get picked on more.  The kid was literally, in most cases, forced to deal with the cards dealt.  And those who cannot relate, in my honest opinion, were probably never subject to that level of indignity.  Nor were they ever forced to witness it.

                During my first initial journey to understanding my own masculinity I wanted to know everything there was to know about growing and about life.  Everything that I wasn’t taught as a boy.  What was I missing?  I interviewed and documented dozens of men from every background, and various professions.  Firefighters, police officers, doctors, nurses, psychologists, you name it.  Every subject came up from camping and fishing, sex and money, to gambling and vices.  But one topic was common throughout, and that was bullies.  Some were bullied, others were the bully. 

                Listening to these men allowed me to come to terms with my own life.  Having bullied my little brother because I was bullied both at home and in school, I had some weight to remove.   Some men were able to forgive either the bully or themselves.  Others finally snapped and struck back at the bully, allowing themselves a victory in their life.  The feeling of never being bullied again.  Some guys even ended up as best friends with the thug after coming to an understanding.  But what is that understanding?   What caused the infraction to begin with?

                One of the first things in Full 1mpact we teach is identifying boy-man behavior.  The “inner punk” as one person once referred to it.  How do you identify this behavior?  It is behavior that is both destructive to yourself, others, or your personal goals in life.  It derives from fear, lack, and entitlement amongst a few other things.  One of those traits is insecurity.  Dealing with your own personal insecurity.

                We all deal with insecurity on one level or another.  It is how it is dealt with that defines a man as opposed to a boy, or a bully.  In all of my studies most bullies are or were bullied elsewhere themselves.  Like a territorial predator, they feel threatened and lash out.  Or quite simply in order to maintain, what they believe subconsciously as an “alpha status,” they choose someone weaker and a pecking order is established.  Therefore a form of amusement is made and at the cost of another individual.  In the “alpha status” case there is usually a “pack” of bullies, which is much harder to set boundaries once a pack mentality has been established.

                The majority of bullies, (not all but most.) have one level of insecurity or another.  There is an element that they need to appear “cool” and were at some point taught to do so at someone else’s expense.  Here we teach security.  It comes from within, and not at anyone’s expense.  There is no need to lord over another person, to play power games with them or push them around.  Real men have no need to shove their weight around, constantly having to show their might.  There is just simply no need.

                 I’ve seen former bullies talk about the days they harmed other kids, and they are weighed down by guilt many of them.  When I interviewed a Kansas man, I will remain nameless, he looked to the ground and told me of how he used to follow a kid home just to throw the kid in dirt, mud, or dirty snow.  It made him feel good briefly before he went to his hell hole of a home.  This 254 lb, six foot three firefighter and former cage fighter broke into tears and then told me wished he could go back and tell his younger self to chill out.  To knock it off and think straight.

                He also told me he desperately wished he could tell the other guy he was sorry.  I asked if he had seen him since High School.  The firefighter told me that the young man went to Afghanistan to fight and never came home.  The guilt swept him like a flood but then a flash of anger broke out as he told me about how his dad used to beat him, his mother, and his little brother at home.  Now it all made sense.  This was only one of many cases.  Not all have that background, but many do.  Does that make bullying somehow rectified, or understandable, not exactly.  However, it does shed light on the issue.

                Since I was very young I have always had a sense of justice.  People who harm innocence should pay.  Anger will rush through me like a wildfire when I see or hear of men harming women, children being abused, bullies, or any other injustice done to innocent people or those who cannot defend themselves.  It has always been this way, and it will probably never change.  The idea of someone harming a loved one, or children brings out a side of me I hope no one will ever have to witness.  It is that same sense of justice that is inside of the soldiers that keep this country safe.  Or the honest police man or woman who fights daily to protect our homes.  Perhaps it burns in me a bit hotter because of my past, perhaps not.

                When I was younger my grandfather taught me to always stick up for myself.  I was smaller than most boys so this was ample opportunity for bullies to take advantage of me.  By second grade I had my first fight because a young kid pushed me down in front of my friends so I pushed him back.  Yeah he hit me, but I wanted to show him I could stand up for myself.  For the rest of my life I would have to keep getting back up.  This sticking up for myself had gotten me beat up multiple times and a nose break to boot.  Whether it was a kid at school or my step-father in my younger years, I would end up fending for myself regularly.  And yes, it had a very fracturing impact on my life at that time.

                Did this cause me to bully other kids?  Yes and no.  I bullied my younger brother for certain.  Brutally.  I’ve come to terms with this and have sought forgiveness from him and myself.  I still have a hard time forgiving myself.  Other kids?  Never.  And I even found myself sticking up for kids being bullied later, not sure if I’d be the next target but I figured someone had to.  See, someone has to.  Someone has to say something.

                There is no more, “Kids will be kids” b.s. I just refuse to believe it.  It is a lie.  Kids being kids is what has caused countless suicides in America alone because the kids refuse to go on.  I was there.  I remember hating life and wanting to take my own.  What?   You can’t relate?  Have someone tell you that you are worthless, that you amount to nothing, that you are a literal waste of time, money, and space for close to 15 yrs of your life and see how much of that gets in.  What about several people sending that message to you one way or another?  Does that shed some light?

                You see, they need a voice, the bullied.  They need people to stand in the gap or stick their necks out.  And there are people who are starting to do it!  Better late than never.  Does this mean there needs to be violence answered with more violence?  Hopefully not.  However there are cases where the bully has been answered with a royal ass kicking and I’m really not opposed to that.  I hate to say, I’m pretty okay with it.  Would I go back and kick my own ass for throwing my little brother around?  In a heartbeat.

                Casey Heynes had enough.                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BdAk7H6Lk&feature=related

                He decided that the buck stops here and stood up for himself.  Good for him.  The bully claims he was bullied himself.  It’s sad, I feel bad to a degree but it is no excuse.  My sophomore year of High School my lifelong bully to that point kicked me square in the back after some words were crossed.  I knew it was coming but I wondered if I was going to get yet another beat down like before.  Like Casey Heynes, I had enough.  I had wrestled for a few years and knew how to do simple take downs, and simple but strong arm and headlocks.  So I did just that, I twisted around and wrapped my bully up in a single arm choke hold and took him to the ground.  I used his own arm to begin choking him out.

                Had my mother not been there to intervene, at that state I was in and in that stage of my life I may have killed him.  I wanted to.  He pulled my hair and punched by back but I felt nothing.  I just squeezed and part of me felt free.  I knew this one would never touch me again and if he did, he’d pay.  Fortunately that chapter of my life is over and the relationship with myself and that bully has been patched and redeemed.  Yes, there are happy endings, but often they have to be fought for.  If there is anything you take from this, anything at all please try to understand the bully is more than likely in pain too.  Though not an excuse it is a reality and more than likely they are being bullied on some level themselves.  And two, be a voice.  If ever someone is being treated unjust, victimized, threatened….anything where they cannot fend for themselves, stand in!  Be the voice! 

                Someone once misunderstood Jesus’ message and told me, “You should just turn the other cheek.” when it comes to bullies.  Well…what if the victim has no cheek to turn.  There is no choice.  They try to turn, but can’t.  Then perhaps you should be that cheek.  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  I hope this helps some of you focus and understand where your stance is.

William M.  Jeffries