Archive for the friend zone Category

8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 1

Posted in attraction, friend zone with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2013 by full1mpact

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually.  Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis.  Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always.  I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks.   Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow.  I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious.  (With the occasional exception, of course.)  And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women.  Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette.  (Yes, this too is a thing.)  As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?”  That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions.  A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me?  No.  Do I understand how they judge?  Yes.  And I use that to my advantage.”  Simple as that.  So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them.  Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works.  It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend.  For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

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Uber stud?  Yep.  This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly.  Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep.  Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great.  This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily.  I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies.  This is the guy who you see with does duck lips.  Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

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So what is the issue?  He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door.  And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men.  Some might be!  And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout.  And that last part is inevitable.  As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it?  Easy.  Be less self-absorbed.  First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies.  Or even pics for that matter.  Keep your posts simple and trite.  Preferably humorous.  Leave room for mystery.  Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way.  If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural.  Not posed.  Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

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This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on.  And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent.  The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

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Why do we call him the bleeder?  He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery.  This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want!  You can’t tell me how to post!”  You’re right.  We can’t.  And won’t.  That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.”  “What a lonely day.”  “I wait for joy but joy never comes.”  “Figures it would turn out this way.”  (What?  What would turn out which way?)  These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy.  I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue?   Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.”  You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention.  There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague.  And the women who post in response?  You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them.  They now see the game.  They respond because they’re nice and truly care.  But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this?  First step is the biggest.  Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates.  Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is.  Stop.

Having a bad day?  Deal with it.  Vent on a friend if you have to.  Needing some attention?  Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by.  It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy.  Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain.  If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them.  The bleeder, however, has a cycle.  In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be.  Like clockwork.  We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts.  We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness.  By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials.  This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends.  Trust they will listen.  Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference.  So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended.  Don’t care?   That’s cool.  Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

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You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm.   He proudly lets the world know.  Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight.  Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree.  Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing.  Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets.  Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more.  Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows.  Quick to judge, slow to understanding.  After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

politics

So what is the issue?  I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere.  I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone.  But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it.  It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?”  Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support.  They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time.  This is a habit.  Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause.  So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters.   Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in.  There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this?  If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome.  More power to you!  We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world.  If something matters to you, fight for it.  Just…not on your FB page.  Why?  Because it looks like you just want to fight.  People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand.  Whether you’re an expert or not.  The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down.  They will listen, and speak if they feel the need.  Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to.  It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community.  This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions.  People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them.  If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page.  This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot.  “This guy has some serious passion.”  It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

drama

Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added.  Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable.  Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life.  What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama.  Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you.  Truth is, he loves it.  Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins.  And where is he?  Right smack dab in the middle of it.  Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

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So what’s the issue?  Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker.  After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy.  A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it.  And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not.  And it isn’t attractive.  Not one bit.  This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships.  Big red flag.

How do you fix this?  We understand the need to vent once in a while.  We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work.  But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama.  Or what role he has in the story.  If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy?  What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?”  Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with.  Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.”  Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention.  If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend.  Most friends will let you vent once in a while.  Just don’t use up that credit card.

…….continue to Part 2 on Friday.

William M. Jeffries

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The Man Myths (c) Misdirection

Posted in arrogance, attraction, confidence, dating, friend zone, inspirational, men's health with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2013 by full1mpact

 

Years ago when deciding to be a part of Full 1mpact, I envisioned a place where guys could be a part of something where they could grow in a stable environment.  I saw a place that teaches everything from health and sexuality, to true masculinity.  In that vision was a group that decided we would not be fooled by pop-media, nor would we bow down to broken belief systems that are harmful to everyone.  That choice was spawned by my own journey through myths, lies, and half-truths that pepper a boy’s growing up experience.

In that journey I had to literally swim through information and misinformation from one study group to another or from one men’s guru, to another.  But this has never stopped.  Every bit of information I find, I keep.  Good or bad.  The reason is simple; I want to help where I needed help during my life span.  That vision I mentioned?  Yeah, the one where guys learn about real masculinity?  We can’t teach that if we don’t understand or haven’t experienced the triumphs or failures ourselves.  Recently we’ve been going through the Man Myths curriculum, in doing so we’ve had to once again swim through the video guru’s and leaders to find some gold.  In doing so, I’ve stumbled across a myriad of misinformation.  It is no wonder boys have such a misunderstanding as to the steps to manhood.

I going to write about three recent videos I came across while exploring the net on men’s leaders, guru’s, teachers, mentors, etc.  I am not going to mention their name, business, name of company or ministry.  This isn’t to slander them as an individual.  This is also not to do a comparison of us to them.  This is simply to point out some teachings I came across that I believe are damaging.  I believe most of these guys are earnest in their teachings and really believe they are helping.  I also don’t want to give them anymore web traffic than needed if I can help it.  I’m writing this to give an alternate viewpoint.

Video Guru #1:

In the search for helping guys create that spark of attraction with women I had to dig through endless amounts of material form world renown pickup artists to attraction gurus.  Most are misunderstood in the nature of their teachings, but many are just trying to help guys with absolutely rubbish dating skills.  They teach guys who just have no idea where to start but would really like to be with a girl.  Thus bringing me, Guru 1.

The main teachings:  Guru 1 has a huge reputation in the pickup artist community and has even had several reality shows to back up his skills.  He teaches guys scripted techniques on how to talk to women to create the attraction.  Just as important he also teaches perfect body language to project to a girl to create attraction and uses sociological and psychological techniques that have been long considered controversial, despite how effective those techniques might be.  His shtick is that the scripts work and has even had boot camp contests for men, where the guy who picks up a girl fastest with his scripted techniques wins a trip to his mansion and other prizes.

The Issue:  I have read cover to cover, most of this man’s books.  He comes from a place of fierce female rejection and humiliation at a young age when he just wanted to be with a beautiful girl.  So he tries to spare men that same pain.  The issue at hand is that it’s scripted.  I’m not talking pick-up lines or lame jokes, I am talking about well thought out and planned scripts with body language and everything.  As though you are an actor in a movie.  And that is the problem.

Men are taught that this is all they need to know.  Many master the techniques and do very well with the ladies.  There are also blogs about where to go after you’ve gotten her home a few times.  How then do you develop an actual relationship?  You see, the script only teaches you how to create a cardboard cutout of a man, display it, and hope the girl doesn’t see behind it.

As a teacher he hasn’t taught the guys internal steps to great character, how to treat a woman for long-term romance, or how to communicate that direction if that is where your interest is.  In a recent article sex expert, Timaree Schmit, posted; “When Can We Bang?” http://sexwithtimaree.com/2013/01/30/when-can-we-bang/  she covers the importance of a pure line of communication.  Something we’ve also stressed at Full 1mpact.  There is nothing wrong with honest communications about your intentions.

On a side note, as I said previously, I have read this man’s material.  I believe for guys who are just starting to test the waters in talking to beautiful, attractive, women, this is a good way to get their feet wet and actually obtain some confidence to try talking to women using these techniques.  Sort of like a starter kit.  But for guys who want deep game, this shouldn’t by any means be permanent.  Let’s move on.

 

Video Guru #2:

The main teachings:  He believes too many men put women on a pedestal.  (I agree.)  However he also refers to a woman’s attitude when disagreeing with your attempts of “attraction” as a “bitch attitude” and warns against it.  Like Guru 1, he teaches forms of body language that is linked to the sub-conscious and therefore comes across as much stronger and more persuasive, if not purely manipulative.  He often refers to women in derogatory form and is applauded by his audience.

He does side courses on confidence, but it is usually peppered with what I call “comparison confidence” where your confidence is derived from something inferior about someone else.  In his main teaching he makes these three claims:  1. He can get you laid faster than any other teaching guru.  2.  The women won’t know what to do about you. (This I actually agree, but from the sheer shock of offense spewed their way.)  3.  You will learn to be a true Alpha-Male.

The Issue:  Where do I begin?  Guru 2 also comes from a background of deep seeded rejection stemming all the way from his mother, he admits in a video interview from 2004.   His teachings dive straight into the fountain of misogynistic fortitude.  Though he deeply believes he is helping young men get “laid the easy way,” he is constantly teaching from a platform of “Us against Them.”  He constantly degrades women and hints at Rape Culture with his subconsciously persuasive “touch” body language where he has taught that an innocent pat on the butt is okay if it’s done correctly.  Where I come from that can be considered sexual assault.

Putting anyone, (Women, Men, a specific race) in a place of “lesser than you,” helps no one.  It stems from lack of understanding, and reaps destructive relationships.  It also promotes the mistreatment of women and men you see lesser than yourself.  To me, that is bullying and is not an okay attribute.

Guru 2’s Alpha Male Club teachings; A true man never has to compare or prove himself to anyone but himself.  And a supposed “alpha” never has to belittle other men as a way of making themselves as higher status.  There is little I find helpful about Guru 2’s teachings.  The majority is offensive and comes across really manipulative.

Video Guru #3:

The Main Teachings:  This gentleman is a teacher who often teaches in men’s seminars on helping boys become men and does a fairly decent job of pointing out boy behavior that continues into adulthood.  He also identifies the struggle with modern time’s inability to distinctly identify real manhood or masculinity.  Often uses the media as an example of how marketing targets young men in their ads.  “Real men buy this,” or “Real men want this thing,” and then young men go out and buy those very objects in hoping to be “real men.”

He goes into detail about how real men skip adolescents and understand 5 basic sociological changes that move them straight into adulthood.   Guru 3 also teachings men on becoming givers, and not takers and those real men don’t need to acquire large school debts or credit card debts buying toys.  He then calls people out for enabling a long list of unattractive boy behavior.  And those people are mothers, sisters, and girlfriends to these boys.  Because they’re enabling and allowing this behavior.

The Issue:  Though I find myself agreeing on the behavior aspect of his teachings and also the increasing inability of guys to identify what it takes to be a real man, I am afraid that Guru 3 speaks in half-truths.  Though he successfully labels the five major sociological changes boys have made over the centuries that helped step them into manhood, it is taught as, “Do these five things, and you will be a man.” It comes across as though it is just that simple.  But it isn’t that simple, especially when the majority of masculinity stems from the internal, not the external.

When he teaches on boy behaviors that carry into adulthood, he uses a tactic I refer to as shame teaching.  This is a tactic used where you make fun of the people doing the undesired behavior, usually in your audience, explain the undesired scenario, and teach it in a way that shames the people that may have done said behavior.  I’ve seen this style in the corporate world, I’ve seen in done by my own teachers, my peers in middle school when I didn’t go out for a sport, and I’ve done it myself to others.  It is relatively ineffective, and doesn’t give the steps a person needs to improve if they lack the skills or tools.

He preaches on to say men should know their vocation and just go into it without acquiring school debt.  I find this impossible if you believe your calling is a doctor, psychologist, lawyer….the list goes on.  I do not believe most people can pay for extensive schooling with cash, nor do I believe anyone is less of a man for needing loans to finish school.  This has NOTHING to do with masculinity.

Lastly, Guru 3 calls out the guys for their cowardice behavior, their unattractive behavior, and then calls out the people who’ve enabled such behavior.  Moms and girlfriends.  The women of these boys’ lives.  He fails to mention the Fathers role in all of this.  So he solely places the finger on women as the enablers of that behavior in the upbringing of the boy to a man.  This creates a woman dishonoring attitude and a chance to use them as an excuse for such behavior.

Though I will agree that a mom, as a parent, is responsible for raising their own children, the father’s role is just as crucial if not more so in laying out the steps of walking into manhood.  (Which Guru 3 also fails to mention.)  In the hours of shame teaching, making fun of men who have no confidence, and scapegoating the issues; he also fails in giving distinct steps to take to help with any of the issues he has with guys.  He is, however, happy to go on rants at how many of the men in his congregation irritate and frustrate him.

In conclusion, I’ve mentioned these Guru’s as a way of showing us what is out there.  The frightening part is, many men are buying into this in hopes of answering their life long question, “Am I a man?” or, “Will this make me a man?”  Many of the men buying into these teachings are also hurt and looking for a remedy.  In growing up I was bombarded with similar messages.  Filtering through them was and always has been a challenge.  So what is the truth?  We created The Man Myths © to uncover those truths and de-myth the common beliefs.

One of my long time mentors, Eben Pagan, once taught a seminar on teaching useful information.  He said, “As a teacher you can never assume your audience even knows the basics of what you know.  That assumption will not interpret the way you want it to and you will lose your listeners.”  Without practical steps to take, tools, and useful advice one becomes just another opinion on a matter that would probably be useful if had the vehicle to get there.  And that is what we always strive to do at our seminars;  to give you the proper steps to take that anyone can apply to their lives for improvement.  Until next time.

 

William M. Jeffries

The Man Myths: 1st 1mpact

Posted in attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, men, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2013 by full1mpact

We want to thank everyone who attended our very first live seminar today.  We appreciate the support!  Our goal is to reach as many guys as possible and create a positive impact on everyone involved.  Here is a small clip thanks to Man of Mystery for his video support.

Full 1mpact (c) The Man Myths (c)

5 Movie Characters Who Could Benefit From Full 1mpact

Posted in attraction, confidence, dating, friend zone, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2012 by full1mpact

In preparation for our January 9th event, the first of many free seminars, we want to do something a little fun.  What if we were able to offer our services to a few fictional characters we have seen in movies?  Granted, the movie wouldn’t have had the drama it did and it is that very drama that makes most movies enjoyable.  But what if, what if we could have helped and how would we have done this?  Imagine if Emperor Commodus was secure with his identity, or what if Fisher from 21 got out of his own ego and worked as a team?  Yeah, we’re not sure what would’ve happened either, probably wouldn’t have made as good of a movie, but hey, sometimes these fictional characters exist in people we know.  (Disclaimer:  We are not saying every case is curable or that we are therapists since several characters were in need of some serious therapy sessions.)  WARNING:  Movie Spoilers Ahead.

Movie:  Gladiator

Character:  Emperor Commodus

Storyline:  In short, Emperor Commodus smothers his father to death and takes over as ruler of Rome; he condemns Maximus to death for not giving him total loyalty.  Maximus rises up through the gladiator ranks and outshines the Emperor of Rome.  This provokes him to try numerous times to kill Maximus in the arena with no avail.  Finally he decides to fight Maximus himself after stabbing the gladiator in the side with a shiv to give the Emperor the advantage.  Still doesn’t work out for him as he is forced to taste that shiv for himself in one final fight.

Issue at hand:  Where do we start?  This guy is teaming with self-destructive habits and esteem. Chronic father issues aside, he falls victim to his own agenda and aspirations.  He desires to be the greatest ruler of Rome and tries desperately to fill the shoes of his father.  He constantly compares himself to other great men, unsure of his own identity, and disguises his quest to fill the void of genuine love in his life with the ambition of building a greater Rome and being loved in the eyes of the people.  And that is just the surface or tip of the iceberg so to speak.

How Full 1mpact Address This:  Let’s pretend for a moment that Commodus decides to get professional help for his lack of a father growing up and what issues rose to surface from that.  Yeah.  So how could we help?

Step 1:  Help him identify the great qualities that are inside of him that he respects in other men.  Doing this he begins to realize that he doesn’t have to fill someone else’s shoes or compare himself to another man.  He can be his own man without an ambition.  This will also show him he has no reason to be jealous of Maximus and he can be a true brother and friend or ally.  This security would also help him in dealing with bureaucratic politicians who would otherwise look down upon him for his lack of knowledge or experience.

Step 2:  Help him realize he doesn’t need everyone’s approval.  By introducing him to the “Man Myths” series he’d understand that pleasing everyone is just as impossible as it is taxing on the spirit.  It is also manipulative.  Manipulative in what ways? The idea that, if he does something for people, that they should love him.  That is buying love, or fishing for approval.  None of it works and men often get trapped into this especially when trying to attract a woman.  He would need to realize the great paradox, to put in motion things that would help Rome’s best interest in his opinion, but understand not everyone will approve or love him for it.  And be comfortable with that rather than threatened.

Step 3:  Though this ties into number two, it is still very relevant.  And that is to help him begin to start loving himself in a non-narcissistic, but healthy, manner.  This way he isn’t searching everywhere else for his needs.  He’d begin to understand the core of whomever and whatever he wants to be is deep inside him first.  Everything else will fall into line.

How will this all help him?  The father issue is the big obvious, and that goes without question that if the issue isn’t resolved it’d be hard to get anywhere.  Inside of that, he has two iconic men he is comparing himself to constantly and competing with.  It’s kind of like an amateur boxer deciding he’s going to compete and go twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.  That just never works out very well and you end up feeling jaded and tortured.  (And very sore.)

By identifying his own core virtues that make him strong in his own identity he has no need to compare.  He is solid with the belief he can be his own man and be iconic in his own way.  In doing so he could very well restore many broken relationships he already has.  With those relationships restored he could then understand and enjoy real love, not manufactured or manipulated love.  Or even demanded love, as we see later on in the film as he begins to spiral more out of control.

Movie:  Legends of the Fall

Character:  Alfred Ludlow

Storyline:  In Legends of the Fall we follow the Ludlow; The Colonel, three brothers, and Susanna, as they survive through seasons of trials of losing loved ones.  Tristan tries to wrestle with his inner wildness as Alfred tries to wrestle with his own identity as well; all the while each of them misses their brother Samuel that they lost in WWI.  All of the characters wrestle with love, historic battles, and seasons.

Issue At Hand:  Alfred tries hard to be a people pleaser, at the same time win the hand of Susanna, whose heart is still with Tristan.  Alfred blames and resents Tristan for Samuels’s death as well as Tristan’s success and popularity.  He also resents that Tristan allows himself to abide by own rules and is loved regardless.  Alfred goes on to pursue Susanna through persuasion and manipulation, blaming Tristan.  At the same time he becomes a successful politician and lives near his mother where he believes he’ll be accepted more.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:  This one isn’t as extensive as Mr. Commodus, and in fact is quite common.  I would even say half of the men we’ve encountered have had trouble similar to that of Alfred here.

Step 1:  Alfred is a people pleaser first and foremost.  He even says it himself at Susanna’s funeral.  “I followed all of the rules, man’s and God’s. And you, you followed none of them. And they all loved you more. Samuel, Father, and my… even my own wife.”  So our job is to get him to identify that life isn’t so much about rules, or even “Everyone’s” rules.  Again we have a guy who, out of insecurity, is comparing his love level to that of another man.  “What am I doing wrong?” is often the question at hand.  Tristan had to wrestle his own demons, while Alfred spent time pleasing everyone else which led to his work as a politician.  We would show him that he cannot please everyone.  He needs to make the choice to identify with his own demons, traits, skills, and character then go from there.  Build up from the core and decide his own set of rules and follow those.

Step 2:  Help him to understand he needs to take responsibility for himself, and his own actions.  Yes, very basic, but nonetheless very profound.  Like I said earlier, Alfred is a common scene in many guys, and so is the desire to pass responsibility.  Alfred blames Tristan for Samuel’s death, for Susanna being alone, for breaking all the rules, and doesn’t take a moment to realize what it is he is doing to add to the poison.  The Colonel, Alfred’s father, even says, “Samuel decided for himself to be a soldier, and soldiers are killed…” trying to get Alfred to understand it has nothing to do with the fact he is trying to pursue Tristan’s fiancé.  He fails to understand that he made the choice to try and persuade Susanna to be with him.  And that he himself became a people pleaser and manipulator.  Taking responsibility takes the power back to you, saying, “I have the power to make choices, good or bad, and the power to own up to them.”  Passing responsibility to someone else says, “They have the power to decide how much love I get, or who accepts me, or my path in life.”  By passing the responsibility, one also passes on their own personal power.

Step 3:  Teach him to attract a woman who loves him, not his brother.  A major issue of resentment was his wife still very much was in love with Tristan, even though Tristan knew it would never work.  The old Tristan died, and the new was born.  She never got passed that.  And despite that fact, Alfred still “persuades” her to marry him instead.  He manipulates her by offering her security, but the issue remains.  The issue is never addressed to the point where she realizes she cannot be happy without Tristan.  (An issue within itself.)  So she commits suicide.  A man should never have to persuade or manipulate love.  Had Alfred been his own man, comfortable and secure within himself and addressed his own personal demons in his own way, he could have found someone who’d compliment his character as he compliments hers.  He’d be able to attract someone who loves him for who he is not his brother.

How will all of this help him?:  Again he’d be secure in himself, and begin identifying his own demons to address rather than trying to place blame on his brother.  And rather than be someone who fishes for acceptance he accepts himself and puts the former aside.  Also, he’d understand more fully the dynamic of attraction between a man and a woman.  Rather than being jaded because a woman isn’t solely attracted to a comfortable lifestyle, he’d be secure in knowing that he had the power to attract a woman himself rather than compare himself to another man.

Movie:   The Holiday

Character:  Jasper

Storyline:  Ah, you didn’t think I’d go without a Christmassy movie this time of year did you?  In the Holiday Iris is still in love with a guy who is marrying another woman, a man who has, in the past, used her and eventually told her that their love is like “a round peg in a square hole, it just doesn’t fit.”  In order to get away from it all she swaps houses for the Holiday with a woman in California.  Here she begins to see from afar that the “love” she had with Jasper was pure venom.

Issue at Hand:  Though Jasper’s overall role in the film is pretty much a scant few scenes, his role is huge.  He is a womanizer, but not just a womanizer; he likes to keep them on an emotional string.  Interestingly enough, he knows perfectly how to bait the hook and cast it.  He understands attraction, and he fully understands manipulation.  And sadly, men like this rarely see themselves needing help from Full 1mpact when in fact they may need it the most.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:  We’d begin by first seeing how willing Jasper would be to see what exactly he is creating with his actions.  And also allow him to understand himself a little better and his “need” to control multiple women.  By control we mean using manipulation tactics.

Step 1:  Rather than calling him a womanizer and kicking his ass for his douchebag behavior, sometimes a more subtle approach is needed.  And that is to get him to identify that his actions are harmful.  I had a guy once ask, “Well what if I wasn’t married?”  My question immediately was, “Do all of the women in your life know about one another, and if so, are they okay with this?”  If the answer is no, then you, my friend are causing harm.  You are being dishonest at someone else’s expense.  It isn’t that Full 1mpact is all about monogamy, or against multiple relationships, so much as we are about honesty.  Honesty fills the gaps.  His actions are harmful in that when the truth is told, people are severely hurt.  His actions are at another person’s expense.  In the series, “Kill the Boy” that is typical “boy-behavior” in that his actions benefit him, and him alone.

Step 2:  Help him understand he needs to make a choice.  Either get married, or don’t.  Either seals the deal, and commit to a life devoted to one woman, or if Jasper still feels he needs to live in the dating circuit, by all means, do so.  But choose and commit to that choice.  And not at the expense of other people.  He’d be better respected if he could commit to a lifestyle, or commit to changing that lifestyle when the time is right rather than hook and bait women.

Step 3:  Help him to identify his need to control and manipulate the emotions of women, and keep them on a string for when he thinks he needs them later.  Pop Psychology would suggest this is a major mother issue at work here.  Possibly, or any number of possibilities without fully knowing the entire backstory.  But more than likely there is a deeper, more sinister work at hand.  Probably a wound inside that he hasn’t faced or wrestled with.  You see, though his actions seem light-hearted, “hey I just want to have some fun, be with some ladies, no harm, no foul here.” They are actually very aggressive towards women.  His aggression is in the form of emotionally baiting women and dishonesty.  Though we are not therapists here at Full 1mpact, we do have access to them and would suggest to him the need to see one.  Otherwise he poses the possibility of damaging every relationship with women he is in.

How does all of this help him?  Hopefully by identifying his “boy-behavior” he can begin to address new habits and actions and commit to who he wants to be without another person’s expense.  The previous lifestyle of using women to manipulate creates such a state of inner turmoil and drama; he’d appreciate the peace of just “being” with someone.  The freedom of allowing the cards to fall where they may is so liberating, especially to a relationship.  Meaning, we allow the other person to be whoever they wish.  Or be with, whomever they wish.

Movie:  Magnolia

Character: Frank T.J. Mackey

Storyline:  Two parallel and intercut stories dramatize men about to die: both are estranged from a grown child, both want to make contact, and neither child wants anything to do with dad. Earl Partridge’s son Frank is a charismatic misogynist; Jimmy Gator’s daughter is a cokehead and waif. A mild and caring nurse intercedes for Earl, reaching the son; a prayerful and upright beat cop meets the daughter, is attracted to her, and leads her toward a new calm. (Taken from IMDB since our explanation was too lengthy.)

Issues at hand:  Let us move aside the easy, pop psychology, father and mother issues.  Those two are obvious from the get-go and anyone who took basic human behavior or basic Psyche 101 can see that plain as day.  So we move to his actions.  He leads a men’s self-development program to help guys get women and be “better men.”  Hmm…sound familiar?  It’s obvious he has taken some profound pain and wreckage and compiled it into success in his own life.  You see the wreckage in spat throughout the film, until the end when it pours over, still unresolved.  Frank leads his followers down his own path in which he clearly brags about following what he preaches during an interview.  But the poison appears that he is leading men out of defense with an, “Us against them,” attitude.  He makes women the enemy, not a companion, through clear emotional manipulation techniques in order to gain control.  Sound familiar?  *coughJaspercough* He teaches other hurt men, who are seeking clear answers, to follow suite.  In the industry of dating advice, pick-up artists, and men’s development this can sometimes show up.  Rather than leading men through his past pain, he is leading them within it.  Meaning, he leads them as a result of the pain in a defensive manner than puts men against women in an aggressive stage where you “tame” her.  We could write an entire 20 page article on just this fictional character alone since there are a few like him.  Yes, a few men’s help gurus who teach similar to Frank’s philosophies.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:   This could pose a challenge for one main reason, and that is Frank sees himself as a leader of men. He puts himself out as a messiah in a way to men searching to have a level of success with women where they failed or were hurt in the past.  Rather than showing them a path that benefits both parties, he serves only to fuel their wounds with aggressive, sociopathic, and manipulative motives.  Frank believes he is right, and his followers feed that belief system.  Full 1mpact would have to hit him where it hurts, and show him those wounds could heal.  (After passing him a number to one of our many therapists.)

Step 1:  We’d have to demonstrate first-hand the ability to attract women at no one’s expense.  Show him, in the field that not only can it be done, but it can be done quite effectively.  Also demonstrate to him that true masculinity is not threatened by true femininity.  They complement one another.  In order to show him this we’d allow him free consultation with one of our field experts to work with him.  Considering he’d take any of our advice we’d have to show him we’re not a threat, as women are not a threat.

Step 2:  Take him to The Man Myths 101 Boot Camp.  Why?  His ideas of masculinity shown on film suggest he’s adopted lies of true manhood and masculinity.  To say the least, he’s even quoted his own “how to” chapter entitled, “How to fake like you are nice and caring.”  The message here is telling men not to be either one.  To pretend and put up a cardboard cut out of whom you want them to see you as.  One of the myths is that men shouldn’t show emotion or be caring.  There is a difference between being overly emotional and “too caring,” and being in touch with both.  At the boot camp he’d be forced to address all of the above issues and consider them.  He’d also be forced to compare his ideas of masculinity to what is real and what is myth.

Step 3:  Work WITH his organization.  Huh?  Did I just write that?  Why would Full 1mpact work with an organization that alienates and manipulates women?  The character of Frank T.J. Mackey is a master at men’s emotions, not just women’s.  He understands what motivates men, and how to push the pain button to get them in his seminars.  And he already has masses of true believers.  By side-saddling with him we’d agree to revamp his seminars considering he’d let us in.  After steps one and two, he’d be questioning the authenticity of his organization and how to proceed further in a more positive direction.  Imagine if he went public and apologized for his previous theories.  His organization would double, with not only the support of men, but also women.  Working with Full 1mpact would be win/win for both parties.

Movie:  Just Friends

Character:  Chris Brander

Storyline:  Chris Brander has always been friends with Jamie Palamino, but now decides it is time to take his relationship to the next step. The problem is, is that Jamie still wants to be ‘Just Friends’. When he runs away and moves to L.A., he becomes an attractive music manager, who everyone wants. When he ends up back home, to his surprise, he encounters Jamie again, and sets out to be more than ‘Just Friends’ this time. Curtsey of IMDB

Issue at Hand:  The friend-zone.  Ah, yes the evil, inevitable, friend-zone that so many of us have encountered over the years.  You buy her gifts, flowers, write her poems and give her free artwork, and yet…you’re friend-zoned.  Why can’t a girl just love a guy for who he is, and why can’t a guy just wear his heart on his sleeve?  Especially when you show her that you’re always there for her no matter what, and then show her you can give her whatever she needs?  Well, we’re about to answer that question for you.   But first, let’s identify that the Chris Brander we’re talking about in this film is prior to him leaving for Los Angeles.

How would Full 1mpact address this?:  This is one of the most common issues men run into with a girl they like.  We would show Chris how to create attraction by first creating his own boundaries.  Then we’d follow up by showing him the difference between the good guy and the nice guy.

Step 1:  Get him OUT of the “friend behavior set” as soon as possible.  At the beginning of the film it is possibly too late for our friend Chris.  He’s friend-zoned himself so solid he might as well go and get his nails done with her.  Whether he is friend-zoned or not at this point is irrelevant since the skill set he would learn of identifying the zone would help him with future endeavors.

Step 2:  Help him to understand the difference between identifying her great qualities and honoring her, as opposed to putting her on a pedestal.  In the film, at the beginning you see him with what some would consider a shrine of her.  That level of “devotion” puts unrealistic expectations on her, as well as him and sets him up for failure.  (As he finds out in the film.)  It is okay to see great qualities in a woman, but it is something else entirely to make her the center of your universe and source of your happiness.  As romantic and poetic as it sounds, when you make someone the source of your happiness you objectify them and place an expectation on them to provide you that happiness.  Whether you realize it or not.  Happiness should always come from within, not without.

Step 3:  Full 1mpact would set him up with the confidence package.  Yes, that confidence is what we’d work on in order to help him stay out of the friend-zone.  You see, if he had the level of confidence he needed, he’d take the risk of putting his neck out there and saying directly what his intentions are.  Guys who friend-zone themselves take the easy way, or what they believe is the less painful route.  With the belief they’ll sneak in through the back door and “show her” how caring they really are by “always being there,” often the only message they are relaying is, “I’m a great friend,” and nothing more.  With confidence in his arsenal, Chris Brander would be able to not only deliver that message, but be able to follow through in the future.

I hope you enjoyed this as we pulled apart some of our favorite flicks with some serious, and hopefully some humorous musings with these fictional characters.  We understand that without those characters, these stories just wouldn’t be the same and would never take away from the writer’s hard work in putting those stories together.  If you want any information about Full 1mpact, seminar dates, or consultation information, please email us at full1mpact@yahoo.com or find us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/Full1mpact .  Thank you for taking your time out to read this and have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy New Year, we will see you on January 9th.  –William M. Jeffries

Bully, Bully, Bully

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2012 by full1mpact

                Lately in the news I’ve been seeing a trend in the headlines on bullying.  It surfaces and resurfaces about every five years.  Every time it resurfaces there are new statistics on kids being bullied, workplace bullying, cyber bullying and so forth.  As of now, according to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children,  each day it is estimated that 160,000 students refuse to  go to school because of bullying.  That doesn’t include the children that do go back.  The ones that suffer daily. 

                There are more statistics covering suicides related to constant bullying, drug abuse, and other destructive symptoms of being targeted.  As technology grows, then so does the ways in which one can bully.  Cyber bullying itself has gotten some media buzz due to the mob mentality behind it.  How it’s easy to bully when you don’t have a face or have to be in person to issue the verbal abuse.  But what about adults, or workplace bullying?  Is this growing as well as we move into the second decade of the new century?

                What sparked my interest in writing this article in a blog related to men’s development is sort of two fold.  I had first seen the recent news stories on the woman, Karen Klein, who was horribly bullied by young middle school kids as a bus monitor.  The second is myself, being someone who didn’t hit his growth spurt until almost the end of High School and was bullied.  I cannot stand bullies or the nature behind it.  Though I fully understand it.

                Personally I do not believe this is a new epidemic.  Not at all.  Nor do I believe it is “on the rise.”  I believe we are merely being made aware of it.  When I grew up no one talked about it much.  If a kid was picked on to the point his or her parents were involved, then usually the kid would get picked on more.  The kid was literally, in most cases, forced to deal with the cards dealt.  And those who cannot relate, in my honest opinion, were probably never subject to that level of indignity.  Nor were they ever forced to witness it.

                During my first initial journey to understanding my own masculinity I wanted to know everything there was to know about growing and about life.  Everything that I wasn’t taught as a boy.  What was I missing?  I interviewed and documented dozens of men from every background, and various professions.  Firefighters, police officers, doctors, nurses, psychologists, you name it.  Every subject came up from camping and fishing, sex and money, to gambling and vices.  But one topic was common throughout, and that was bullies.  Some were bullied, others were the bully. 

                Listening to these men allowed me to come to terms with my own life.  Having bullied my little brother because I was bullied both at home and in school, I had some weight to remove.   Some men were able to forgive either the bully or themselves.  Others finally snapped and struck back at the bully, allowing themselves a victory in their life.  The feeling of never being bullied again.  Some guys even ended up as best friends with the thug after coming to an understanding.  But what is that understanding?   What caused the infraction to begin with?

                One of the first things in Full 1mpact we teach is identifying boy-man behavior.  The “inner punk” as one person once referred to it.  How do you identify this behavior?  It is behavior that is both destructive to yourself, others, or your personal goals in life.  It derives from fear, lack, and entitlement amongst a few other things.  One of those traits is insecurity.  Dealing with your own personal insecurity.

                We all deal with insecurity on one level or another.  It is how it is dealt with that defines a man as opposed to a boy, or a bully.  In all of my studies most bullies are or were bullied elsewhere themselves.  Like a territorial predator, they feel threatened and lash out.  Or quite simply in order to maintain, what they believe subconsciously as an “alpha status,” they choose someone weaker and a pecking order is established.  Therefore a form of amusement is made and at the cost of another individual.  In the “alpha status” case there is usually a “pack” of bullies, which is much harder to set boundaries once a pack mentality has been established.

                The majority of bullies, (not all but most.) have one level of insecurity or another.  There is an element that they need to appear “cool” and were at some point taught to do so at someone else’s expense.  Here we teach security.  It comes from within, and not at anyone’s expense.  There is no need to lord over another person, to play power games with them or push them around.  Real men have no need to shove their weight around, constantly having to show their might.  There is just simply no need.

                 I’ve seen former bullies talk about the days they harmed other kids, and they are weighed down by guilt many of them.  When I interviewed a Kansas man, I will remain nameless, he looked to the ground and told me of how he used to follow a kid home just to throw the kid in dirt, mud, or dirty snow.  It made him feel good briefly before he went to his hell hole of a home.  This 254 lb, six foot three firefighter and former cage fighter broke into tears and then told me wished he could go back and tell his younger self to chill out.  To knock it off and think straight.

                He also told me he desperately wished he could tell the other guy he was sorry.  I asked if he had seen him since High School.  The firefighter told me that the young man went to Afghanistan to fight and never came home.  The guilt swept him like a flood but then a flash of anger broke out as he told me about how his dad used to beat him, his mother, and his little brother at home.  Now it all made sense.  This was only one of many cases.  Not all have that background, but many do.  Does that make bullying somehow rectified, or understandable, not exactly.  However, it does shed light on the issue.

                Since I was very young I have always had a sense of justice.  People who harm innocence should pay.  Anger will rush through me like a wildfire when I see or hear of men harming women, children being abused, bullies, or any other injustice done to innocent people or those who cannot defend themselves.  It has always been this way, and it will probably never change.  The idea of someone harming a loved one, or children brings out a side of me I hope no one will ever have to witness.  It is that same sense of justice that is inside of the soldiers that keep this country safe.  Or the honest police man or woman who fights daily to protect our homes.  Perhaps it burns in me a bit hotter because of my past, perhaps not.

                When I was younger my grandfather taught me to always stick up for myself.  I was smaller than most boys so this was ample opportunity for bullies to take advantage of me.  By second grade I had my first fight because a young kid pushed me down in front of my friends so I pushed him back.  Yeah he hit me, but I wanted to show him I could stand up for myself.  For the rest of my life I would have to keep getting back up.  This sticking up for myself had gotten me beat up multiple times and a nose break to boot.  Whether it was a kid at school or my step-father in my younger years, I would end up fending for myself regularly.  And yes, it had a very fracturing impact on my life at that time.

                Did this cause me to bully other kids?  Yes and no.  I bullied my younger brother for certain.  Brutally.  I’ve come to terms with this and have sought forgiveness from him and myself.  I still have a hard time forgiving myself.  Other kids?  Never.  And I even found myself sticking up for kids being bullied later, not sure if I’d be the next target but I figured someone had to.  See, someone has to.  Someone has to say something.

                There is no more, “Kids will be kids” b.s. I just refuse to believe it.  It is a lie.  Kids being kids is what has caused countless suicides in America alone because the kids refuse to go on.  I was there.  I remember hating life and wanting to take my own.  What?   You can’t relate?  Have someone tell you that you are worthless, that you amount to nothing, that you are a literal waste of time, money, and space for close to 15 yrs of your life and see how much of that gets in.  What about several people sending that message to you one way or another?  Does that shed some light?

                You see, they need a voice, the bullied.  They need people to stand in the gap or stick their necks out.  And there are people who are starting to do it!  Better late than never.  Does this mean there needs to be violence answered with more violence?  Hopefully not.  However there are cases where the bully has been answered with a royal ass kicking and I’m really not opposed to that.  I hate to say, I’m pretty okay with it.  Would I go back and kick my own ass for throwing my little brother around?  In a heartbeat.

                Casey Heynes had enough.                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BdAk7H6Lk&feature=related

                He decided that the buck stops here and stood up for himself.  Good for him.  The bully claims he was bullied himself.  It’s sad, I feel bad to a degree but it is no excuse.  My sophomore year of High School my lifelong bully to that point kicked me square in the back after some words were crossed.  I knew it was coming but I wondered if I was going to get yet another beat down like before.  Like Casey Heynes, I had enough.  I had wrestled for a few years and knew how to do simple take downs, and simple but strong arm and headlocks.  So I did just that, I twisted around and wrapped my bully up in a single arm choke hold and took him to the ground.  I used his own arm to begin choking him out.

                Had my mother not been there to intervene, at that state I was in and in that stage of my life I may have killed him.  I wanted to.  He pulled my hair and punched by back but I felt nothing.  I just squeezed and part of me felt free.  I knew this one would never touch me again and if he did, he’d pay.  Fortunately that chapter of my life is over and the relationship with myself and that bully has been patched and redeemed.  Yes, there are happy endings, but often they have to be fought for.  If there is anything you take from this, anything at all please try to understand the bully is more than likely in pain too.  Though not an excuse it is a reality and more than likely they are being bullied on some level themselves.  And two, be a voice.  If ever someone is being treated unjust, victimized, threatened….anything where they cannot fend for themselves, stand in!  Be the voice! 

                Someone once misunderstood Jesus’ message and told me, “You should just turn the other cheek.” when it comes to bullies.  Well…what if the victim has no cheek to turn.  There is no choice.  They try to turn, but can’t.  Then perhaps you should be that cheek.  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  I hope this helps some of you focus and understand where your stance is.

William M.  Jeffries

Overcoming Fear

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, Paranormal, self development, self help, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2012 by full1mpact

     I want to introduce you to one our Full 1mpact’s writers.  Online he goes by Man of Mystery.  He is one of our premier students and even so still teaches me daily on life in general.  He is never short of material he has sought out or researched on his own.  He has opened up a group of paranormal research that has uncovered some insanely cool evidence, to the likes I could never have.  Today, in his own words he writes about Overcoming Fear.  Thank you.  — William M. Jeffries

 

  • One of the biggest steps to take in crossing over into manhood is overcoming or handling fear. This is difficult for every man. Some men still have trouble with this. The chemicals produced by our bodies because of fear into our blood vessels can be overwhelming to a point where we feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. As a man though, you have to ask yourself if you’re going to let the fear control you or be the man that overcomes or handles his fears.
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  • Another one of my fears is getting into an uncontrolled fight. Back in 07, I was involved in a fight over a huge misunderstanding. I felt disrespected and I hit the guy. As I was walking away, he started punching me in the face repeatedly. I felt like I was having an out of body experience watching myself. When I finally came to, my mind was like “Why am I just standing here?” and I gave him a huge palm heel strike. All I remembered after that, was being on top of him head butting him. After that situation, I hated the idea of being in any kind of fight. Then I got into Israeli Krav Maga. I love it because it’s very unconventional. Some of the best anti-terrorist teams and angencies like the CIA and FBI use it. I feel like my childhood (and even now) hero Jack Bauer.
  • However, when I moved up, sparring became part of the curiculum. What did I think about? You guessed it. That fight I was in. There were times where I missed it because my body was flooding with the chemicals of anxiety and even felt paralysis when I just thought about it. But then one day, I asked myself what was more important. My fear of getting into a fight or my ambition for Krav Maga. Again, I sacrificed that fear and did it for my love of Krav. Thinking about it, I guess I’m not scared of sparring, it’s the idea of getting hurt. Once you get started though, the fear eases and you become more focused on improving. This has been one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. It’s really no different though from other people’s big fears in life. I can guarantee though that once you get through, the reward is significant.
  • What’s the cure for fear? I don’t think it can be cured. I think fear can actually be a good thing. Fear makes us feel alive. Ironically, it’s a gift. Sometimes this gift doesn’t serve you and you have to find a way to neutralize it. Fear can’t be cured, but there is a way to minimize it. It’s called ambition. If there’s anything that can strike fear into fear itself, it’s ambition.

    What are your strongest ambitions in life? When something stands in your way of something you desire, do you let fear just stand in your way? Chances are, the stronger your ambitions are towards something, the more likely you’re going to find a way to get it.  (Take for example, a parent keeping their child from harm.  Large ambition.)

    Today, one of the world’s greatest pick up artist is Mystery. Whether you love him, hate him, or think that the way he dresses to attract women is ridiculous, you have to admire his ability to attract some of the world’s most beautiful women. Ironically, he actually hates the approach. You would think that the best pick up artist in the world wouldn’t have a problem with the approach. Wrong. He has just as much anxiety about it, as a 14 year old who likes a girl, but has no idea how to talk to a girl. However, his ambition to attract beautiful women is what gets him through his fear. It happens every time to him, but he uses that fear to fuel his ambition instead.

    Another of my strongest ambitions is investigating the paranormal. I don’t even let the thought of something scaring me enter my mind. I love going into haunted buildings to explore the unexplained and the unknown. It fascinates me. There are risks and dangers to investigating the paranormal, but my ambition is too big to let that get in the way.

    A prime example I could think of when overcoming fear, comes from a video game from my childhood. If you’re not familiar with Resident Evil, it’s a survival horror game with zombies and mutated creatures. Anyways, I was at a point of the game where I just got the hell scared out of me by one of the creatures in the game. I went by a double mirror, when suddenly it jumped through the mirror. At that point, I was too scared to go through another the next door to see what else would jump out at me. But I wanted to beat the game. To do that, there was no choice but to move forward. Either I could take a step back into safety and never beat the game, or I could take a step forward and deal with the fear of these zombies or creatures jumping out at me to beat the game. I decided to take a step forward. There were some more scares, but beating the game in the end felt rewarding.

    I know I was describing a video game, but chances are you know what feeling I’m talking about and you’ve felt it before. So what barrier have you created for yourself that you need break? Are you any closer to getting what you want out of life or are you letting fear stop you? If fear is presenting itself to you, find a way to develop ambition to get over it. Create a burning desire for yourself.   —-Man of Mystery

 

Confidence v.s. Arrogance: Understanding Your Identity

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help, women on June 18, 2012 by full1mpact
 

 

 

                In the years I spent in school, all the way through college, I was confronted with the challenge of my own personal level of confidence.  I was bullied growing up so by the era of High School I created an image of an unstable crazy kid as a defense and backed it up with actions just to be left alone.  I created a cocky, crazy, funny, image for my persona.  But that is all it was, an image.  Deep inside my soul I was scared, insecure, and filled to the top with anger, sadness, and frustration.  Frustration because deeply I questioned my level of masculinity.  It was unclear to me how exactly to be a “man.”  It was unclear how to get girls, how to carry myself, how not to overreact to situations emotionally, and how to be confident.

                To me, every guy who I saw as labeled confident was an arrogant ass in my books.  They belittled others, used people for personal gain, and often bullied those they saw as physically weaker than themselves.  They picked on who they labeled as sissies, wussies, girly boys, and weaklings.  To those who fell under those labels, life would be tough and confidence would be something you’d have to uncover later in life or struggle to unlock it during those hard years of learning adulthood.  Often fathers would teach young men the value of confidence vs. arrogance, but in recent generations the valued lessons taught in the past are a rarity and left to be discovered on one’s own.

                So as I grew up during those years I adopted a cocky, often arrogant, attitude towards life.  As my own mother will tell you, I’ve always went my own direction.  Yearned to learn on my own and fought the tide.  Little did I know is that what I thought were truths were actually behaviors that were counterfeit parts of the real truth.  Meaning, what I thought was confidence was not.  In fact the attitudes of arrogance and cockiness were outward reactions to insecurities I felt, and in actuality unmasked those insecurities. 

                Lets define the difference of confidence versus arrogance ourselves:  As I later came to terms with my own level of confidence I began to realize what it was that was the difference.  Why is it my heroes growing up never seemed to doubt themselves, or why is it they never seem to be rattled much by opposition.  And if for some reason their cage was rattled, how was it they were able to find a way out?    The answer lies within themselves.  Too cliché?  Perhaps, but nonetheless very true.

                The old English Dictionary for Arrogance is as such:  1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.

2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one’s superiority toward others:

3.  An exaggerated display of self-importance or self-worth.

                Now let’s look at the Old English version of confidence:  1.  Full trust;  belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.  2.  belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:

                After taking a closer look you notice that arrogance is played out whereas confidence is more internal.  Not to say those who portray arrogance don’t as some level believe in themselves.  However, the majority of my heroes growing up did not have to tell anyone of their confidence or abilities.  It showed up in their actions.  When I began the journey to define myself better I asked a mentor how to tell if what you are portraying as a man is either confidence or arrogance.  He said this, (and to this day I believe it.) ;”Confidence is more humble, where arrogance is about being seen.  A person who is truly confidence will never really need the approval or notice of others, they know within themselves lies the answer to whatever it is they need.  A person full of arrogance needs the spotlight to affirm to them what they are unsure of deep inside.  Confidence does not need the expense of others for it to exist, it just does.   Where arrogance is often as the expense of others.  Notice how you feel around someone who is arrogant?  Often they put themselves above others as though they are better.  If you are truly confident, you lift others higher than yourself.  And that my friend is the difference.”

                When I had been told that several things became clear.  1.  I need to adjust how my self-worth has nothing to do with what others think about me.  I define that on my own terms, in my own way.  2.  To project an exaggerated part of my confidence, is to show my arrogance and insecurity.  In knowing this, I also discovered that arrogance is just another way of showing people your insecurity.  Interesting.

                With all of this taken into consideration one of the things I have been asked in our men’s studies is “What if someone says you are too arrogant, when really you don’t believe you are?”  My answer is simple really.  Often confidence will threaten those who are insecure and they’ll act out on it.  You have to stay clear of feeling guilty for that or playing into it.  Be who you are, it will probably offend people and that’s a good thing.  Also, is your “confidence” at the expense of other people?  Are people being put down or placed on a lower level of standing with you in any way?  If so, you’re dealing with arrogance which is a cousin to ignorance.  They walk hand in hand. 

                That being said I hope for some people this made a difference, and that if there was any uncertainty it was made more clear now.  This Friday we’ll be talking about fear, overcoming it, and handling it.  One of our groups’ finest will be writing the column and I know you’ll enjoy his ideas!  Can’t wait to read it for myself. 

by William M. Jeffries