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8 Guys Who Sabotage Attraction On Facebook: Part 1

Posted in attraction, friend zone with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2013 by full1mpact

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually.  Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis.  Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always.  I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks.   Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow.  I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious.  (With the occasional exception, of course.)  And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women.  Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette.  (Yes, this too is a thing.)  As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?”  That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions.  A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me?  No.  Do I understand how they judge?  Yes.  And I use that to my advantage.”  Simple as that.  So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them.  Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works.  It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend.  For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

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Uber stud?  Yep.  This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly.  Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep.  Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great.  This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily.  I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies.  This is the guy who you see with does duck lips.  Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

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So what is the issue?  He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door.  And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men.  Some might be!  And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout.  And that last part is inevitable.  As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it?  Easy.  Be less self-absorbed.  First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies.  Or even pics for that matter.  Keep your posts simple and trite.  Preferably humorous.  Leave room for mystery.  Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way.  If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural.  Not posed.  Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

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This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on.  And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent.  The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

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Why do we call him the bleeder?  He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery.  This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want!  You can’t tell me how to post!”  You’re right.  We can’t.  And won’t.  That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.”  “What a lonely day.”  “I wait for joy but joy never comes.”  “Figures it would turn out this way.”  (What?  What would turn out which way?)  These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy.  I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue?   Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.”  You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention.  There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague.  And the women who post in response?  You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them.  They now see the game.  They respond because they’re nice and truly care.  But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this?  First step is the biggest.  Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates.  Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is.  Stop.

Having a bad day?  Deal with it.  Vent on a friend if you have to.  Needing some attention?  Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by.  It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy.  Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain.  If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them.  The bleeder, however, has a cycle.  In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be.  Like clockwork.  We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts.  We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness.  By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials.  This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends.  Trust they will listen.  Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference.  So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended.  Don’t care?   That’s cool.  Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

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You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm.   He proudly lets the world know.  Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight.  Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree.  Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing.  Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets.  Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more.  Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows.  Quick to judge, slow to understanding.  After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

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So what is the issue?  I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere.  I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone.  But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it.  It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?”  Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support.  They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time.  This is a habit.  Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause.  So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters.   Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in.  There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this?  If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome.  More power to you!  We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world.  If something matters to you, fight for it.  Just…not on your FB page.  Why?  Because it looks like you just want to fight.  People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand.  Whether you’re an expert or not.  The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down.  They will listen, and speak if they feel the need.  Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to.  It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community.  This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions.  People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them.  If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page.  This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot.  “This guy has some serious passion.”  It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

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Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added.  Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable.  Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life.  What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama.  Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you.  Truth is, he loves it.  Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins.  And where is he?  Right smack dab in the middle of it.  Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

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So what’s the issue?  Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker.  After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy.  A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it.  And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not.  And it isn’t attractive.  Not one bit.  This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships.  Big red flag.

How do you fix this?  We understand the need to vent once in a while.  We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work.  But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama.  Or what role he has in the story.  If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy?  What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?”  Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with.  Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.”  Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention.  If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend.  Most friends will let you vent once in a while.  Just don’t use up that credit card.

…….continue to Part 2 on Friday.

William M. Jeffries

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5 Easy Ways to Change The World Around You In A Positive Way

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2013 by full1mpact

Full 1mpact, being advocates of change, have always encouraged finding new ways of changing the world around us in a positive way.  Some embrace change, others detest and fear it, and many sit on the sidelines and merely complain about it.  But I believe that many would like to impact others in a positive and cause positive change, but don’t know how or where to start.

What if you could do one thing a day, every day, for the rest of your life to cause positive change in the world closest to you?  What would that life look like?  And what if that habit caught on to others?  Sometimes we buy the idea that being a voice, or a champion, is this large and grandioso event when really it is being faithful to the smaller things.  And when you put those smaller things together they make a much larger picture that impacts the worlds around you.  What if you could change your world?  What would it look like?  And where would you start?

Well, perhaps you could start here first.

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1.        Light Up One Person’s Day, Every Day:

A while back I had posted a question, asking, “If you could light up one person’s day, every day; a different person a day, what kind of life would that be like?”  Those were my exact words.  I was asking myself as much as everyone else.  I wanted to see for myself.  And guess what, it’s easier than you might think.

Many will make excuses as to why they can’t or how difficult it might be without thinking out of the box just for a moment long enough to see that it isn’t that hard.  Let me show you just how easy it can be.  On my Facebook account I have over 400 friends.  More friends than there are days of the year.  The majority, if not all of them, I know and more than an acquaintance basis.  How hard would it be to write a kind, thoughtful, note to a different person a day?  Or say you don’t have that many friends, write to one or more of them several times a year perhaps.  Or write a handwritten note of appreciation to a co-worker.  From that area of thought, what about sending a card to someone randomly just to say you had them in mind.  Birthday cards are loved by all, btw.  For guys this isn’t always popular, but it is well received.  Keep that in mind.

Before an excuse makes its way through, I want to add that it takes less than five minutes.  I know because I’ve been doing this for a year now.  One person a day, every day.   That note can make a huge difference in the outcome of someone’s day.  Even if it isn’t epic, it’s still thoughtful and appreciated.  Steve Siebold, in his 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class book writes about how champions understand the power of praise and use it lavishly.  Not over the top, not in a way that is supposed to flatter, but fairly and with heart.

You may be the one person that reaches out to someone who didn’t even know they needed it.  You’re not doing this for praise; you’re doing this because you can.  Because you have the power to change someone’s day.  Use it lavishly.

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2.       Give:

Give money, time, baked goods, groceries, piano lessons, whatever you want, to someone in need.  And give selflessly with no need of a “thank you.”  Donate to a charity you believe in.  But donate effectively.  Donate in way that changes lives.  Example; There are several walks or short marathons that help needy people.

If you go on a cancer walk, you get to see survivors and hear stories of people you could possibly help.  If you go to a Make a Wish event you get to meet kids who, in many cases, have a better grip on their own mortality than most adults.  You get to meet them, and by simply giving a small amount of your time walking you are changing a life.

Donate blood to blood bank and save a life.  Doesn’t take much time and someone may need it later.  Or how about donating groceries to a local food bank or needy family you know.  Many of you reading this attend a church, synagogue, or temple, and I have yet to walk into any of those who don’t have a family who attends that could use groceries.

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3.       Random Acts of Kindness:

This concept can sometimes come across very vague.  But there are a lot of ways to accomplish the random acts of kindness.  I know many people who have elderly neighbors who need yard work done, so they go over and mow their lawn or trim their bushes for free.  For those who live in hard winter states you can scoop their walkways.

Sure it may take a bit of time, but the gratitude they will have is immeasurable.   But there are other ways too.  Helping a neighbor move even if they didn’t ask.  Volunteering yourself for something without being asked to do it.  If you see someone’s car out of commission you can stop and see if there is a way you can help.

One of the ways I enact this is easy and sort of leads into number four on this list.  I often go to restaurants where the server is extraordinarily good.  They don’t have to be superhuman good; they just have to be pretty good.  And on the receipt where I have to sign and give a tip; I will often write a quick note about how well they did.  (And tip a bit more than the average person because I understand that working in a serving environment is not easy.)  For those of you who serve, or have served in the past, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Little notes, offering to help, randomly taking a friend out to eat, giving your time to someone in need; are all examples of ways you can show kindness.  You may not always get thanked, but that is okay.  That’s not why you’re doing it.  You’re doing it to change the world nearest to you.

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4.       Praise the Help:

In number three I mentioned how I’d write a note on a server’s receipt with praise about their work.  That’s just one example.  At a local theme park I often strike a quick conversation with the workers and tell them how grateful I am that they work there, because without them the park couldn’t run.  They don’t hear that enough.  I guarantee you.  Tell them how polite they are, or how they’re one of the most cheerful of the help.  Whatever the case may be, simply tell them with a smile.  You will make their day.

Taking this a step further, tell their boss.  One habit I really enjoy is finding a really good worker and asking for their immediate manager.  They always look concerned.  (19 out of 20 times they are getting a complaint.)  I’ll point out the worker and say, “That person over there, I have a report on them…” or something to that extent.  Now the manager really looks concerned.  And I’ll remain very serious, but genuine, and say, “They are probably one of the best workers you have.  You’d be a fool to let them go.”  Then watch as their demeanor changes.  Watch as they smile and go to the worker to praise them as well.  Sometimes in front of the other staff.

Most of the time in the corporate setting the majority of feedback a worker gets is criticism with tiny, tiny, tiny tidbits of praise.  So miniscule that the criticism is where the focus is.  Your public recognition of their hard work will make a difference.  All too often we simply want our food and only pay attention if the service is bad.  Try paying attention to when the service is good and see what results you get!

On two occasions, that I’m aware of, at a local restaurant I enjoy frequenting, I’ve seen staff that was really good at what they did promoted shortly after the public praise.  Was I a direct result of that?  I don’t know, but whatever the case, it probably helped.

Harry Gordon Selfridge, who started the Selfridge’s department stores in England, thought it was so important to lead staff rather than boss staff even wrote about it in his book, “The Romance of Commerce.”  This was written in 1918, when employment laws were much worse than they are today.  Few felt the need to praise the help, especially employers.  Why would they?  They were employees, why would they need any recognition for just doing their job?  Mr.  Selfridge thought differently and was known for publicly and loudly praising staff on a job well done.  He wrote in his book, “A boss drives his men, a leader coaches them; a boss depends on authority, a leader on goodwill; a boss knows how it is done, a leader shows how.”  He goes on to show the difference and the importance of recognition.   It’s easy.

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5.       Be Present and Listen:

Sometimes the only thing a friend needs is your presence.  Words will matter little, and advice will matter even less.  I cannot tell level of gratitude I had when life had kicked me to the curb and a friend made it known that they were there for me.  They didn’t give advice, they didn’t try to steer or control the situation, and they just listened.  Because really that is all I needed.

On the other side, I have had times where I just needed the presence of a friend, but instead got a lecture.  Often the lecturer knew as little about the topic, trouble, or situation, as I did.  But were eager to give ill-informed advice nonetheless.  To be on the receiving end isn’t fun, but because you’re friends you also do not want to burst their often self-righteous bubble.  Their intention is good, but the delivery is something to be desired.

Being present is a bit of an art form.  To be present is to allow your spirit to connect to theirs by empathizing to the nature of the drama, so to speak.  Empathizing to their spirit, their pain or wound, and not offering advice.  Simply listening, allowing yourself to walk through the course, concerned, but strong because you are there.  By exploring this walk you learn as much about your spirit as you do theirs, often.

There have been a number of times, eager to give advice; I know I had overstepped my bounds by trying to be a mouthpiece, rather than just being present.  However, the times I’ve stopped, listened, learned, and reached out, I learned as much about myself as I did them.  I prevented myself from judging and simply allowed myself to learn.  To seek the words I was hearing and pull them deep.  Perhaps see if I too had a similar wound.  And if not, to try and allow myself to feel what it must be like.

When I was much younger and went camping with my grandparents, I would often sit in the campgrounds with my grandfather on lawn chairs, watching nature.  Not a word would be spoken, but the presence of one another was enough to be meaningful beyond normal understanding.  It was as though watching the trees, birds, and river flow, allowed us to grow spiritually like nature itself.  Those moments, watching the Sun dive beneath the evergreens in the mountains and hearing the river murmur to the trees, are like gold.  In recent years I try hard to be that presence to friends who need it or family who needs it.

All of these examples are just simple ways of changing the world near you.  I’m sure many of you could find hundreds of other examples, these are just my favorite.  There are numerous ways to change the world to a more positive way, but you have to start somewhere.  Rather than expressing an armchair opinion on an over-opinionated forum, stand up and begin doing something about it.  One day, you’ll look back and be grateful you did.  And those nearest to you will be richer for it.

–William M Jeffries