Archive for the self help Category

Stand In The Gap

Posted in charismatic, confidence, inspirational, mentorship, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by full1mpact

When I was a senior in High School, I ended up having to take an underclassman Algebra class.  Mainly to make up for credits due to some car accident I was in that year that put me in a troubled teen hospital.  But that’s another story.  I hated Math.  At that point in my life I hated a lot of things about school, life, people, and math.

Because my previous class was so close to this particular one, I was always the first there and I’d sit in the back.  I was the only senior in that class and yes, I felt dumb.  I struggled with Algebra and all forms of number issues.  I always remember one kid who’d come into the room shortly after me.  Probably a sophomore or possibly a freshman.   I remember him because he was the poster child for stereotypical nerds.  Big glasses, usually wore slacks, sometimes even a bow-tie..and yes…a pocket protector.  In fact, as I’m writing this article I got out my year book, and there he is, in a bow-tie with his massive glasses.  I guess he was a sophomore after all.

He usually tried to sit near the front and avoid contact with another boy who’d come in fourth or fifth or sometimes right after him.  The other, kid, much larger, would stare him down and go sit a desk or two side-by-side with him.  Never said anything but I recognized the larger boy because he was on the Junior Varsity football team and I had seen him hanging around that crowd a lot.  Seemed decent enough, but the first time I saw him glare down the nerdy boy it struck me as odd.  What could he have possibly against him?

That tiny moment, that predator stare, I recognized it immediately.  I knew it because I remember that being done to me by other people.  The predator stalks its prey, to feel powerful, or better about themselves, or to prove something.  Whatever the case, I remembered that look all too well and it hit something in me.  Like a switch going off.  The predator was so focused it didn’t see the other eyes in the back of the room watching.  Or it didn’t care.  Either way that boy was now on my radar.

A few days passed and nothing ever came of it until later in the week I saw that look in the larger kid again.  Teacher was out in the hall or wherever teachers go for 6 or 7 minutes between classes.  But in he stalked, glaring down at the boy who would even look up.  Then he just stopped, right in front of his desk and stood there.  I knew what the boy sitting there felt like.  This larger, “tougher,” boy just staring you down and you’re on eggshells, processing what to do to not look weak, but not make him upset as to take it out on you.

I watched, eagerly, because of all of the things I mentioned above that I hated…I hated bullies the most.  A violent, sociopathic, non-healthy, sort of hate.  (I had issues, judge as you will.) And as I watched the bully started to say something.  To this day I don’t even remember what he was saying.  I do remember he bumped the smaller kid’s desk with his leg and got all wild-eyed.  The smaller kid answered meekly and was holding his pencil.  I remember because I could see his hand shaking.

I’d had enough and said, “Is there a ****’n problem?”  They both looked up at me shocked.  I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in that class since the 1st day.  At first the bully had a look like, “who would dare?” then his skin turned pale.  Then he made a statement about how he was just joking around and they were just friends.  Funny how even in High School that excuse is still used.

I wasn’t a big kid, I was very scrappy and still fairly underdeveloped for my age, but at that point I didn’t care much for the rest of my school year.  I begged God above to give me the chance to go crazy on this bully.  Instead the bully sulked over to his seat still glaring at the other boy and muttered something under his breath.  Coward.  I spoke again, “He obviously doesn’t think so, if I ever see or hear of you bothering him again, you’ll have me as a problem.”  He insisted he was joking to which I countered with telling him to shut his mouth along with other colorful words.  From then on, in that class anyway, I was the predator watching his every move, not needing to ever speak again.

Later, after the end of the school year I was at a party at a friend’s house when a girl I had recognized approached me.  She was an upper classman to me when I was still in High School.  She thanked me for sticking up for her little brother.  She then told me how that boy had bothered her little brother from 7th grade until his sophomore year relentlessly.  Teachers never took the parent’s complaints too seriously and the torment would continue. After that little intervention, he never bothered her brother again.  That is all it took.

I bring this up not to pat myself on the back, the world knows I have delivered my share of shame and detestable actions.  I bring this up because I was reminded of this incident today as I read the headlines of yet another kid being bullied.  Anymore you don’t have to look far and we had even written an  about this some time ago.

Recently a boy had asked Santa to bring a Christmas present early.  That present is to stop his sister from being bullied any further.  No longer did he wish for a remote control car or helicopter, but instead to intervene on behalf of his sister.  It has pierced his heart and he no longer knows where to go.  I know many parents are doing their best, but so many questions need to be asked and so many children need to know this is not okay.

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How do we begin to stand up for others?  How do we fill the gap?  In our seminars we mentioned how men, true masculine, mature, men, are protectors and defenders of those who cannot fend for themselves.  No matter what race, gender, creed, or orientation.  My grandfather once told me that some courage is standing up for what is right, or for someone else, when no one else will.  I’m not sure how to close this except with one last question; what will you do to fill the gap, to stand for someone else?  What will you do?

M. Larsen

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Five Life Lessons I Learned as a Boxer

Posted in inspirational, men, mentorship, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2013 by full1mpact

When I look back at the different sports I had tried when growing up, boxing in my opinion was the best. Team sports just never suited me and as my grandfather once put it, “If it’s one vs. one then the only person you have to blame is yourself.” That level of advice can either be comforting or the realization that you only have yourself to rely on, can be frightening.
Taking a glance back to those days, I realize that there were life lessons being learned. Lessons that I would later understand could be applied to any area of life with ample amount of success. These lessons are easy to learn and can give you and edge.

Learn to Stand:

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When I first started boxing at the ripe old age of seventeen I half expected to immediately learn know to send my fist straight into some dude’s pie hole. Nope. Not my coach. He’d first teach me that if I was to learn anything, it’d be with the ability to stand. What I mean is, in boxing, there is a specific way of standing so your weight is not only balanced, but you also to utilize the same weight to add a lot of power to your punches. And a way to stand that you won’t be knocked around so easily, yet move fairly lucid.

In life, if you’re going to get anywhere, you’re going to need to learn to stand and learn balance. Whether you’re standing up for yourself, for who you are, for who you want to be, taking a stand, or simply standing on your own, independently; standing is survival in its most raw form. Without the ability to stand strong, you become off balance. Life can, and will, (I guarantee.) will knock you around, and then knock you down. If you’re off balance you cannot become flexible and maneuver through life so easily.

However, learning to stand on your own is liberating. No longer do you rely on others to stand for you, speak for you, or decide for you; you are able to do so alone. Not to say there won’t be times when you need someone there to lean on when encountering the fight of your life, those times do happen. But not all the time. Standing is being that pillar of strength, unshaken, relentless, and like cast iron. You move when you must, fluidly and balanced.

Throw a Correct Punch:

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The second thing I learned was, of course, how to hit. My first coach, fortunately, was a perfectionist to some degree. He insisted in starting with a slow jab. First, slowly going through the motion then perfecting it as you speed up. From one jab I graduated to the double jab, then a double jab and left hook combo. Then the traditional one, two, and one two three combo’s. He always told us to never just throw one punch, always throw a minimum of two, and more if possible to open the guy up. And always punch THROUGH the target for more power. Your target isn’t his face; it’s the back of his head. Your target isn’t his belly, it’s his spine. You’re just reaching it through the front door.

His son threw what I thought was a perfect hook. I wanted to throw a hook exactly like that, and one late practice he showed me how. Of course, it took me years and years to get close to how sharp he had it. I must have thrown hundreds of thousands of hooks in the bathroom mirror trying to perfect it. I moved away from that town to where I live today and found another coach. During practice he saw the hook and asked, “Where’d you learn to throw a hook like that and make it stick, son?” I told him I had a few good coaches. That hook would save me from losing a few fights in the ring, and give me confidence where I had none previously.

With life comes adversity. Some of us are born into it, others it shows up later on in life. Either way, it is there. Learning to punch in boxing is like learning to throw down in life. Life will come at you and often hit you. You must push forward. You must stand up, look adversity in the eye, and throw a punch. At first, sometimes, it seems difficult and clumsy. But every time you throw your focus out there, or you throw your faith out there, and you stand up and say, “I can do this!” it gets easier to hit. The target gets more finite. You no longer throw wild haymakers, you use the balance you got when you learned how to stand and you twist, throwing your power from the depths of your soul through adversity. You punch through it to get to your goals in life, with your eyes never leaving your real target.

You Will Be Hit, and You Will Be Knocked Down:

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This goes without saying, if you join a boxing club, (I’m not talking about those aerobic boxing thingies, I am talking about a real competing gym where you get in a real ring.) you will be hit. A lot. You will be knocked down. You will be cut and bruised. You will be hit so damn hard your bones will rattle and you will see pretty lights. And all of it will happen before you compete in your first registered fight.

Then, once you fight, you will be knocked down. You will be hit so hard your body gives up. Sometimes you can get back up, and sometimes you will sleep and be unable to. But you have to answer to that. You cannot just stand there and let yourself be hit. You have to get up and hit back. I don’t have to tell anyone reading this how hard life hits. As Rocky told his son, “No one hits as hard as life, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.” Fictional as he is, no truer words could have been spoken. I have had spirit breaking moments in my life. I have had times in my life where I wondered why I was here. I’d beg whatever God was listening to just finish me. But see, my fight isn’t over yet.

Once we accept the fact that sometimes tough things happen, we must move over it, through it, around it, behind it, or on top of it, and get refocused on your goal. So you were hit, so you were knocked down, so what. Get up. Fight on. I remember getting punched in the face so hard that I heard a weird pop then told a friend that the last hit I took really hurt. He looked at me, smirked, and then said, “We all get hit, you’ll get used to it.” Later in life, I’d find out my nose had been broken nearly a dozen times. If I wanted to fight on, I had to get over it. And I did. And if I can do it, so can you.

You Must Get In The Ring:

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In boxing, to call yourself a real fighter you must have several fights on your record. You must get in the ring. You have to face that opponent one on one, or you’re not considered a fighter, let alone a contender. Lots of guys are tough guys, lots of guys walk and strut and put on a good show. But lots of guys are not fighters. There is a difference. There is something to getting in that ring where you learn lessons in life that cannot be expressed in words alone. My first fight I learned a thousand lessons.

Something about getting in that ring makes it so you have nothing to prove to anyone. Not ever. If a person cannot step into that ring, then it doesn’t matter how much strutting and puffing one does, they will not impress a fighter. A fighter will walk away from a non-ring fight, with the words, “Come to the ring if you wanna fight,” on their mantle. When you step into that ring, you, and you alone, are responsible for the win. No one else. Just you.

Everyone reading this has an arena of their own they contend in. Everyone. But not everyone gets in the ring. Not everyone takes responsibility for losing the fight. This concept stretches to the far reaches of your soul though. Everything you do, everything you are, is an arena of some kind. But the ring, that’s something else entirely. That’s the part where you put it all on the line. There are a lot of armchair politicians, eager to badmouth a leader here, and a leader there. There are a lot of armchair football coaches, baseball coaches, and the list goes on. There are a lot of critics and cynics, complainers, and advice givers. But there are not a lot of people doing anything about it. Whatever “it” is. Not a lot of people getting in the ring. Because to get in the ring, means you have to win or lose and face who you are. What you’re capable of. You have to stand before an audience and throw down with life. The audience may or may not approve. It doesn’t matter because it is you in there, not them.
As you’re reading this, ask yourself, “Am I winning this thing, or is life having its way with me?” Be honest. Because despite anything that’s happened to us so far in life, the majority of us are where we are because of what we have chosen. There are few, very few, exceptions. My coach would tell me, “Know that your opponent is training as hard, if not harder, than you. You know if you’re pushing yourself or not.”

Get a Good Coach:

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My first coach was a hardened, tough as nails, Vietnam vet, who called us princesses, but still believed in us. He taught me more than the basics, and despite his grizzled outer shell, he cared for all of his fighters. He knew what to look for, and he knew how to teach. He knew how to break it down to you so you could understand what it is you needed in order to go the extra mile.

My second coach was out here on the West Coach and quite literally looked exactly like Little Mac’s coach from that 80’s game, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. His knuckles were freakishly huge and he was a former professional fighter and a champion. When he found out I was a South Paw, (Someone who fights unorthodox, or is left handed.) he said he wouldn’t coach me until I learned orthodox style. Discouraged but still eager to fight, I did it anyway.

I would start out each of the fights I had with this coach orthodox; then when he told me to, I’d switch to southpaw. Simple, but effective, strategy that brought a few good wins my way. He would push me until I didn’t think I could go any further. Through all of this he’d continue to encourage me and I always knew I he had my back. In fact, both of my coaches I was very proud to have in my corner. I know a bad coach when I see one these days, and both of these men were outstanding coaches.

I will tell you this, like I’ve told many other guys in the seminars, if you have not had a mentor in this lifetime, I truly grieve for you. Some people’s parent or parents are good mentors. Some people have several mentors. Others have none. A mentor is someone who sees outside of your sphere of influence as you know it. They see the big picture and the inner workings both, and they see what you cannot yet see. They are like a guiding light. They will not fight the fight for you, but they are beside you, pushing you, and in your corner, getting your spit bucket ready with an earful of helpful advice to take down this opponent.

A mentor, or a coach, is someone you surround yourself with that has no problem telling you that you’re getting lazy in there. At the same time they care that you win. They are givers, and creators, they live knowing and hoping whatever it is that they help you with, or push you towards, that you will be great. They need very little thanks, because their livelihood is centered on helping others get through the very obstacles they overcame themselves.

Just like competing in boxing without a coach makes no sense, so does fighting through life with no mentor, no coach. Find someone that you see as better than, or more successful than yourself and draw close to them. Ask them to mentor you. Study their work and emulate them. Becoming a better artist means you watch great artists work, and you work hard yourself. Same goes for writing and music. Same goes for engineering and construction work. Any job, career, or life time dream has someone who has mastered it. Find a master and learn from them.

—William M. Jeffries

The Man Myths: 1st 1mpact

Posted in attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, men, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2013 by full1mpact

We want to thank everyone who attended our very first live seminar today.  We appreciate the support!  Our goal is to reach as many guys as possible and create a positive impact on everyone involved.  Here is a small clip thanks to Man of Mystery for his video support.

Full 1mpact (c) The Man Myths (c)

Lessons In Personal Success

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, self development, self help, Steve Siebold, T Harv Eker, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2012 by full1mpact

We are all about personal success here at Full 1mpact.  Our job is to connect the dots to help guys in their own journey to becoming better men.  We’ve often taught “your thoughts become actions,” and here to elaborate much of this, is our own Rob Miner.  Mr. Rob Miner is both an author and teacher.  He is also a mentor here at Full 1mpact.  He is the author of the book, “And Their Eyes Were Opened.”  You can find it on Amazon.  We are very proud to have his input on success.  — William M. Jeffries

 

Lessons in Personal Success

By Robert Miner

 

            One common goal we all share is to the need to achieve success in our lives. What makes us different is the vast diversity of definitions we attach to the word.

            Success is different for every person because every unique individual has his or her own personal values worth pursuing. Furthermore, each person gets something different out of the process of pursuing those goals. In fact, what we all eventually realize in the end is that the means of attaining success is greater than the ends of achieving it. Therefore, I define success as follows: the satisfaction one derives from actively moving toward something which matters to that person.

            One of the greatest sources of frustration in life is the erroneous belief that what we seek will provide us sufficient fulfillment once we achieve it. Just as one apple off an apple tree will quench your hunger for a moment but not for a lifetime, so the accomplishing of a personal goal provides fulfillment for only as long as that initial energy boost satisfies. Like with the apple, your hunger will be stirred up shortly thereafter if you don’t have a tree full of apples (a lifestyle of pursuing personal success).

            The first key to personal success is the understanding (and the belief) that the process of moving toward a goal is of greater value than the goal itself. I heard one NBA superstar put it this way: “The awards are great, but what really matters is the feeling of knowing how hard you’ve worked to attain that award.” The Bible says, “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The process of achieving personal success (or specific change in one’s life) is the fuel that fires the desire by which our heart thrives. The goal is great, but the daily battle of defeating our enemies (the obstacles which keep us from our goals) is the higher value.

            The next key to personal success is the honest assessment of what matters most to us. I may want to grow in physical fitness, finances, marital happiness, inner peace, and the attainment of more friends, but what is your priority? Which goal(s) is most worth fighting for? For most of my life I’ve had lots of friends but during the last couple years those relationships have diminished as much as 30-40%. On average, my wife and I were connecting with friends 2-3 times a month. After setting a goal to meet with friends 6-8 times a month in early May, by the end of June my wife and I had met with friends on nine different occasions!  I will show you how I experienced such a quick turnaround later in this article.

            The third key to success is the understanding that the process is both spiritual and physical. First, we pursue by faith that which we seek. Our most important discipline is not the physical work and planning that goes into achieving success but the daily guarding of our hearts and minds – to believe even when we don’t see the results we desire. If our faith goes no further than the belief in results we see, then as soon as our results falter – which they inevitably will – we will disturb our process with the negative energy of fear, guilt, frustration, and eventually, resignation. A daily battle of faith strengthens our heart to look negative results in the eye and say, “The past is the past. We move on.”

            Furthermore, when we daily pursue by faith (which may include prayer) those things we value, our mind starts to receive ideas, and by acting on those ideas we set the vehicle of change in motion. Once in motion, we may achieve change through effort, but we also achieve change through the law of serendipity. This means that a consistently positive pursuit of something will cause us to literally run into opportunities, just as someone may run into an old friend on the streets.

            When I set my faith, my mind, my prayers, and my actions toward improving my social life, I initially sent emails or calls to whomever my heart felt like pursuing. Many of those people did not respond or they had plans. Some did respond, and those connections led to other connections. While having one friend over to my house, it led to the suggestion, “Why don’t we have such-and-such join us and our wives for dinner one night? That dinner ended up becoming eight adults and three children. Before long, my cousin called out of the blue to invite us for lunch. A neighbor invited me over to teach me about the Stock Market. Another neighbor saw me in front of my house and invited me to a party at his house. By month’s end, we had made plans and met with friends on nine different occasions. We sowed seed, we watered the seed, we examined the seed daily to check for growth, and we saw the seed grow to fruition.

            What personal success do you seek? First decide what you value enough to pursue. Then position yourself in faith. Finally, daily pursue in mind, action, and follow-through that which you seek. Finally, throughout the whole process, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Don’t let obstacles get in your way. Don’t let what you define as failure convince you that you can’t. Don’t let the words or attitudes of others persuade you that your goal is too lofty.

            Little by little one travels far. Take a step of faith today and renew that faith daily as you strive toward your goal. You’ll feel like that NBA superstar when you reach it, but more importantly, your heart will feel alive and vibrant along the way. —

 

Bully, Bully, Bully

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2012 by full1mpact

                Lately in the news I’ve been seeing a trend in the headlines on bullying.  It surfaces and resurfaces about every five years.  Every time it resurfaces there are new statistics on kids being bullied, workplace bullying, cyber bullying and so forth.  As of now, according to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children,  each day it is estimated that 160,000 students refuse to  go to school because of bullying.  That doesn’t include the children that do go back.  The ones that suffer daily. 

                There are more statistics covering suicides related to constant bullying, drug abuse, and other destructive symptoms of being targeted.  As technology grows, then so does the ways in which one can bully.  Cyber bullying itself has gotten some media buzz due to the mob mentality behind it.  How it’s easy to bully when you don’t have a face or have to be in person to issue the verbal abuse.  But what about adults, or workplace bullying?  Is this growing as well as we move into the second decade of the new century?

                What sparked my interest in writing this article in a blog related to men’s development is sort of two fold.  I had first seen the recent news stories on the woman, Karen Klein, who was horribly bullied by young middle school kids as a bus monitor.  The second is myself, being someone who didn’t hit his growth spurt until almost the end of High School and was bullied.  I cannot stand bullies or the nature behind it.  Though I fully understand it.

                Personally I do not believe this is a new epidemic.  Not at all.  Nor do I believe it is “on the rise.”  I believe we are merely being made aware of it.  When I grew up no one talked about it much.  If a kid was picked on to the point his or her parents were involved, then usually the kid would get picked on more.  The kid was literally, in most cases, forced to deal with the cards dealt.  And those who cannot relate, in my honest opinion, were probably never subject to that level of indignity.  Nor were they ever forced to witness it.

                During my first initial journey to understanding my own masculinity I wanted to know everything there was to know about growing and about life.  Everything that I wasn’t taught as a boy.  What was I missing?  I interviewed and documented dozens of men from every background, and various professions.  Firefighters, police officers, doctors, nurses, psychologists, you name it.  Every subject came up from camping and fishing, sex and money, to gambling and vices.  But one topic was common throughout, and that was bullies.  Some were bullied, others were the bully. 

                Listening to these men allowed me to come to terms with my own life.  Having bullied my little brother because I was bullied both at home and in school, I had some weight to remove.   Some men were able to forgive either the bully or themselves.  Others finally snapped and struck back at the bully, allowing themselves a victory in their life.  The feeling of never being bullied again.  Some guys even ended up as best friends with the thug after coming to an understanding.  But what is that understanding?   What caused the infraction to begin with?

                One of the first things in Full 1mpact we teach is identifying boy-man behavior.  The “inner punk” as one person once referred to it.  How do you identify this behavior?  It is behavior that is both destructive to yourself, others, or your personal goals in life.  It derives from fear, lack, and entitlement amongst a few other things.  One of those traits is insecurity.  Dealing with your own personal insecurity.

                We all deal with insecurity on one level or another.  It is how it is dealt with that defines a man as opposed to a boy, or a bully.  In all of my studies most bullies are or were bullied elsewhere themselves.  Like a territorial predator, they feel threatened and lash out.  Or quite simply in order to maintain, what they believe subconsciously as an “alpha status,” they choose someone weaker and a pecking order is established.  Therefore a form of amusement is made and at the cost of another individual.  In the “alpha status” case there is usually a “pack” of bullies, which is much harder to set boundaries once a pack mentality has been established.

                The majority of bullies, (not all but most.) have one level of insecurity or another.  There is an element that they need to appear “cool” and were at some point taught to do so at someone else’s expense.  Here we teach security.  It comes from within, and not at anyone’s expense.  There is no need to lord over another person, to play power games with them or push them around.  Real men have no need to shove their weight around, constantly having to show their might.  There is just simply no need.

                 I’ve seen former bullies talk about the days they harmed other kids, and they are weighed down by guilt many of them.  When I interviewed a Kansas man, I will remain nameless, he looked to the ground and told me of how he used to follow a kid home just to throw the kid in dirt, mud, or dirty snow.  It made him feel good briefly before he went to his hell hole of a home.  This 254 lb, six foot three firefighter and former cage fighter broke into tears and then told me wished he could go back and tell his younger self to chill out.  To knock it off and think straight.

                He also told me he desperately wished he could tell the other guy he was sorry.  I asked if he had seen him since High School.  The firefighter told me that the young man went to Afghanistan to fight and never came home.  The guilt swept him like a flood but then a flash of anger broke out as he told me about how his dad used to beat him, his mother, and his little brother at home.  Now it all made sense.  This was only one of many cases.  Not all have that background, but many do.  Does that make bullying somehow rectified, or understandable, not exactly.  However, it does shed light on the issue.

                Since I was very young I have always had a sense of justice.  People who harm innocence should pay.  Anger will rush through me like a wildfire when I see or hear of men harming women, children being abused, bullies, or any other injustice done to innocent people or those who cannot defend themselves.  It has always been this way, and it will probably never change.  The idea of someone harming a loved one, or children brings out a side of me I hope no one will ever have to witness.  It is that same sense of justice that is inside of the soldiers that keep this country safe.  Or the honest police man or woman who fights daily to protect our homes.  Perhaps it burns in me a bit hotter because of my past, perhaps not.

                When I was younger my grandfather taught me to always stick up for myself.  I was smaller than most boys so this was ample opportunity for bullies to take advantage of me.  By second grade I had my first fight because a young kid pushed me down in front of my friends so I pushed him back.  Yeah he hit me, but I wanted to show him I could stand up for myself.  For the rest of my life I would have to keep getting back up.  This sticking up for myself had gotten me beat up multiple times and a nose break to boot.  Whether it was a kid at school or my step-father in my younger years, I would end up fending for myself regularly.  And yes, it had a very fracturing impact on my life at that time.

                Did this cause me to bully other kids?  Yes and no.  I bullied my younger brother for certain.  Brutally.  I’ve come to terms with this and have sought forgiveness from him and myself.  I still have a hard time forgiving myself.  Other kids?  Never.  And I even found myself sticking up for kids being bullied later, not sure if I’d be the next target but I figured someone had to.  See, someone has to.  Someone has to say something.

                There is no more, “Kids will be kids” b.s. I just refuse to believe it.  It is a lie.  Kids being kids is what has caused countless suicides in America alone because the kids refuse to go on.  I was there.  I remember hating life and wanting to take my own.  What?   You can’t relate?  Have someone tell you that you are worthless, that you amount to nothing, that you are a literal waste of time, money, and space for close to 15 yrs of your life and see how much of that gets in.  What about several people sending that message to you one way or another?  Does that shed some light?

                You see, they need a voice, the bullied.  They need people to stand in the gap or stick their necks out.  And there are people who are starting to do it!  Better late than never.  Does this mean there needs to be violence answered with more violence?  Hopefully not.  However there are cases where the bully has been answered with a royal ass kicking and I’m really not opposed to that.  I hate to say, I’m pretty okay with it.  Would I go back and kick my own ass for throwing my little brother around?  In a heartbeat.

                Casey Heynes had enough.                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BdAk7H6Lk&feature=related

                He decided that the buck stops here and stood up for himself.  Good for him.  The bully claims he was bullied himself.  It’s sad, I feel bad to a degree but it is no excuse.  My sophomore year of High School my lifelong bully to that point kicked me square in the back after some words were crossed.  I knew it was coming but I wondered if I was going to get yet another beat down like before.  Like Casey Heynes, I had enough.  I had wrestled for a few years and knew how to do simple take downs, and simple but strong arm and headlocks.  So I did just that, I twisted around and wrapped my bully up in a single arm choke hold and took him to the ground.  I used his own arm to begin choking him out.

                Had my mother not been there to intervene, at that state I was in and in that stage of my life I may have killed him.  I wanted to.  He pulled my hair and punched by back but I felt nothing.  I just squeezed and part of me felt free.  I knew this one would never touch me again and if he did, he’d pay.  Fortunately that chapter of my life is over and the relationship with myself and that bully has been patched and redeemed.  Yes, there are happy endings, but often they have to be fought for.  If there is anything you take from this, anything at all please try to understand the bully is more than likely in pain too.  Though not an excuse it is a reality and more than likely they are being bullied on some level themselves.  And two, be a voice.  If ever someone is being treated unjust, victimized, threatened….anything where they cannot fend for themselves, stand in!  Be the voice! 

                Someone once misunderstood Jesus’ message and told me, “You should just turn the other cheek.” when it comes to bullies.  Well…what if the victim has no cheek to turn.  There is no choice.  They try to turn, but can’t.  Then perhaps you should be that cheek.  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  I hope this helps some of you focus and understand where your stance is.

William M.  Jeffries

Overcoming Fear

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, Paranormal, self development, self help, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2012 by full1mpact

     I want to introduce you to one our Full 1mpact’s writers.  Online he goes by Man of Mystery.  He is one of our premier students and even so still teaches me daily on life in general.  He is never short of material he has sought out or researched on his own.  He has opened up a group of paranormal research that has uncovered some insanely cool evidence, to the likes I could never have.  Today, in his own words he writes about Overcoming Fear.  Thank you.  — William M. Jeffries

 

  • One of the biggest steps to take in crossing over into manhood is overcoming or handling fear. This is difficult for every man. Some men still have trouble with this. The chemicals produced by our bodies because of fear into our blood vessels can be overwhelming to a point where we feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. As a man though, you have to ask yourself if you’re going to let the fear control you or be the man that overcomes or handles his fears.
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  • Another one of my fears is getting into an uncontrolled fight. Back in 07, I was involved in a fight over a huge misunderstanding. I felt disrespected and I hit the guy. As I was walking away, he started punching me in the face repeatedly. I felt like I was having an out of body experience watching myself. When I finally came to, my mind was like “Why am I just standing here?” and I gave him a huge palm heel strike. All I remembered after that, was being on top of him head butting him. After that situation, I hated the idea of being in any kind of fight. Then I got into Israeli Krav Maga. I love it because it’s very unconventional. Some of the best anti-terrorist teams and angencies like the CIA and FBI use it. I feel like my childhood (and even now) hero Jack Bauer.
  • However, when I moved up, sparring became part of the curiculum. What did I think about? You guessed it. That fight I was in. There were times where I missed it because my body was flooding with the chemicals of anxiety and even felt paralysis when I just thought about it. But then one day, I asked myself what was more important. My fear of getting into a fight or my ambition for Krav Maga. Again, I sacrificed that fear and did it for my love of Krav. Thinking about it, I guess I’m not scared of sparring, it’s the idea of getting hurt. Once you get started though, the fear eases and you become more focused on improving. This has been one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. It’s really no different though from other people’s big fears in life. I can guarantee though that once you get through, the reward is significant.
  • What’s the cure for fear? I don’t think it can be cured. I think fear can actually be a good thing. Fear makes us feel alive. Ironically, it’s a gift. Sometimes this gift doesn’t serve you and you have to find a way to neutralize it. Fear can’t be cured, but there is a way to minimize it. It’s called ambition. If there’s anything that can strike fear into fear itself, it’s ambition.

    What are your strongest ambitions in life? When something stands in your way of something you desire, do you let fear just stand in your way? Chances are, the stronger your ambitions are towards something, the more likely you’re going to find a way to get it.  (Take for example, a parent keeping their child from harm.  Large ambition.)

    Today, one of the world’s greatest pick up artist is Mystery. Whether you love him, hate him, or think that the way he dresses to attract women is ridiculous, you have to admire his ability to attract some of the world’s most beautiful women. Ironically, he actually hates the approach. You would think that the best pick up artist in the world wouldn’t have a problem with the approach. Wrong. He has just as much anxiety about it, as a 14 year old who likes a girl, but has no idea how to talk to a girl. However, his ambition to attract beautiful women is what gets him through his fear. It happens every time to him, but he uses that fear to fuel his ambition instead.

    Another of my strongest ambitions is investigating the paranormal. I don’t even let the thought of something scaring me enter my mind. I love going into haunted buildings to explore the unexplained and the unknown. It fascinates me. There are risks and dangers to investigating the paranormal, but my ambition is too big to let that get in the way.

    A prime example I could think of when overcoming fear, comes from a video game from my childhood. If you’re not familiar with Resident Evil, it’s a survival horror game with zombies and mutated creatures. Anyways, I was at a point of the game where I just got the hell scared out of me by one of the creatures in the game. I went by a double mirror, when suddenly it jumped through the mirror. At that point, I was too scared to go through another the next door to see what else would jump out at me. But I wanted to beat the game. To do that, there was no choice but to move forward. Either I could take a step back into safety and never beat the game, or I could take a step forward and deal with the fear of these zombies or creatures jumping out at me to beat the game. I decided to take a step forward. There were some more scares, but beating the game in the end felt rewarding.

    I know I was describing a video game, but chances are you know what feeling I’m talking about and you’ve felt it before. So what barrier have you created for yourself that you need break? Are you any closer to getting what you want out of life or are you letting fear stop you? If fear is presenting itself to you, find a way to develop ambition to get over it. Create a burning desire for yourself.   —-Man of Mystery

 

Confidence v.s. Arrogance: Understanding Your Identity

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help, women on June 18, 2012 by full1mpact
 

 

 

                In the years I spent in school, all the way through college, I was confronted with the challenge of my own personal level of confidence.  I was bullied growing up so by the era of High School I created an image of an unstable crazy kid as a defense and backed it up with actions just to be left alone.  I created a cocky, crazy, funny, image for my persona.  But that is all it was, an image.  Deep inside my soul I was scared, insecure, and filled to the top with anger, sadness, and frustration.  Frustration because deeply I questioned my level of masculinity.  It was unclear to me how exactly to be a “man.”  It was unclear how to get girls, how to carry myself, how not to overreact to situations emotionally, and how to be confident.

                To me, every guy who I saw as labeled confident was an arrogant ass in my books.  They belittled others, used people for personal gain, and often bullied those they saw as physically weaker than themselves.  They picked on who they labeled as sissies, wussies, girly boys, and weaklings.  To those who fell under those labels, life would be tough and confidence would be something you’d have to uncover later in life or struggle to unlock it during those hard years of learning adulthood.  Often fathers would teach young men the value of confidence vs. arrogance, but in recent generations the valued lessons taught in the past are a rarity and left to be discovered on one’s own.

                So as I grew up during those years I adopted a cocky, often arrogant, attitude towards life.  As my own mother will tell you, I’ve always went my own direction.  Yearned to learn on my own and fought the tide.  Little did I know is that what I thought were truths were actually behaviors that were counterfeit parts of the real truth.  Meaning, what I thought was confidence was not.  In fact the attitudes of arrogance and cockiness were outward reactions to insecurities I felt, and in actuality unmasked those insecurities. 

                Lets define the difference of confidence versus arrogance ourselves:  As I later came to terms with my own level of confidence I began to realize what it was that was the difference.  Why is it my heroes growing up never seemed to doubt themselves, or why is it they never seem to be rattled much by opposition.  And if for some reason their cage was rattled, how was it they were able to find a way out?    The answer lies within themselves.  Too cliché?  Perhaps, but nonetheless very true.

                The old English Dictionary for Arrogance is as such:  1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.

2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one’s superiority toward others:

3.  An exaggerated display of self-importance or self-worth.

                Now let’s look at the Old English version of confidence:  1.  Full trust;  belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.  2.  belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:

                After taking a closer look you notice that arrogance is played out whereas confidence is more internal.  Not to say those who portray arrogance don’t as some level believe in themselves.  However, the majority of my heroes growing up did not have to tell anyone of their confidence or abilities.  It showed up in their actions.  When I began the journey to define myself better I asked a mentor how to tell if what you are portraying as a man is either confidence or arrogance.  He said this, (and to this day I believe it.) ;”Confidence is more humble, where arrogance is about being seen.  A person who is truly confidence will never really need the approval or notice of others, they know within themselves lies the answer to whatever it is they need.  A person full of arrogance needs the spotlight to affirm to them what they are unsure of deep inside.  Confidence does not need the expense of others for it to exist, it just does.   Where arrogance is often as the expense of others.  Notice how you feel around someone who is arrogant?  Often they put themselves above others as though they are better.  If you are truly confident, you lift others higher than yourself.  And that my friend is the difference.”

                When I had been told that several things became clear.  1.  I need to adjust how my self-worth has nothing to do with what others think about me.  I define that on my own terms, in my own way.  2.  To project an exaggerated part of my confidence, is to show my arrogance and insecurity.  In knowing this, I also discovered that arrogance is just another way of showing people your insecurity.  Interesting.

                With all of this taken into consideration one of the things I have been asked in our men’s studies is “What if someone says you are too arrogant, when really you don’t believe you are?”  My answer is simple really.  Often confidence will threaten those who are insecure and they’ll act out on it.  You have to stay clear of feeling guilty for that or playing into it.  Be who you are, it will probably offend people and that’s a good thing.  Also, is your “confidence” at the expense of other people?  Are people being put down or placed on a lower level of standing with you in any way?  If so, you’re dealing with arrogance which is a cousin to ignorance.  They walk hand in hand. 

                That being said I hope for some people this made a difference, and that if there was any uncertainty it was made more clear now.  This Friday we’ll be talking about fear, overcoming it, and handling it.  One of our groups’ finest will be writing the column and I know you’ll enjoy his ideas!  Can’t wait to read it for myself. 

by William M. Jeffries