Archive for bullying

Stand In The Gap

Posted in charismatic, confidence, inspirational, mentorship, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by full1mpact

When I was a senior in High School, I ended up having to take an underclassman Algebra class.  Mainly to make up for credits due to some car accident I was in that year that put me in a troubled teen hospital.  But that’s another story.  I hated Math.  At that point in my life I hated a lot of things about school, life, people, and math.

Because my previous class was so close to this particular one, I was always the first there and I’d sit in the back.  I was the only senior in that class and yes, I felt dumb.  I struggled with Algebra and all forms of number issues.  I always remember one kid who’d come into the room shortly after me.  Probably a sophomore or possibly a freshman.   I remember him because he was the poster child for stereotypical nerds.  Big glasses, usually wore slacks, sometimes even a bow-tie..and yes…a pocket protector.  In fact, as I’m writing this article I got out my year book, and there he is, in a bow-tie with his massive glasses.  I guess he was a sophomore after all.

He usually tried to sit near the front and avoid contact with another boy who’d come in fourth or fifth or sometimes right after him.  The other, kid, much larger, would stare him down and go sit a desk or two side-by-side with him.  Never said anything but I recognized the larger boy because he was on the Junior Varsity football team and I had seen him hanging around that crowd a lot.  Seemed decent enough, but the first time I saw him glare down the nerdy boy it struck me as odd.  What could he have possibly against him?

That tiny moment, that predator stare, I recognized it immediately.  I knew it because I remember that being done to me by other people.  The predator stalks its prey, to feel powerful, or better about themselves, or to prove something.  Whatever the case, I remembered that look all too well and it hit something in me.  Like a switch going off.  The predator was so focused it didn’t see the other eyes in the back of the room watching.  Or it didn’t care.  Either way that boy was now on my radar.

A few days passed and nothing ever came of it until later in the week I saw that look in the larger kid again.  Teacher was out in the hall or wherever teachers go for 6 or 7 minutes between classes.  But in he stalked, glaring down at the boy who would even look up.  Then he just stopped, right in front of his desk and stood there.  I knew what the boy sitting there felt like.  This larger, “tougher,” boy just staring you down and you’re on eggshells, processing what to do to not look weak, but not make him upset as to take it out on you.

I watched, eagerly, because of all of the things I mentioned above that I hated…I hated bullies the most.  A violent, sociopathic, non-healthy, sort of hate.  (I had issues, judge as you will.) And as I watched the bully started to say something.  To this day I don’t even remember what he was saying.  I do remember he bumped the smaller kid’s desk with his leg and got all wild-eyed.  The smaller kid answered meekly and was holding his pencil.  I remember because I could see his hand shaking.

I’d had enough and said, “Is there a ****’n problem?”  They both looked up at me shocked.  I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in that class since the 1st day.  At first the bully had a look like, “who would dare?” then his skin turned pale.  Then he made a statement about how he was just joking around and they were just friends.  Funny how even in High School that excuse is still used.

I wasn’t a big kid, I was very scrappy and still fairly underdeveloped for my age, but at that point I didn’t care much for the rest of my school year.  I begged God above to give me the chance to go crazy on this bully.  Instead the bully sulked over to his seat still glaring at the other boy and muttered something under his breath.  Coward.  I spoke again, “He obviously doesn’t think so, if I ever see or hear of you bothering him again, you’ll have me as a problem.”  He insisted he was joking to which I countered with telling him to shut his mouth along with other colorful words.  From then on, in that class anyway, I was the predator watching his every move, not needing to ever speak again.

Later, after the end of the school year I was at a party at a friend’s house when a girl I had recognized approached me.  She was an upper classman to me when I was still in High School.  She thanked me for sticking up for her little brother.  She then told me how that boy had bothered her little brother from 7th grade until his sophomore year relentlessly.  Teachers never took the parent’s complaints too seriously and the torment would continue. After that little intervention, he never bothered her brother again.  That is all it took.

I bring this up not to pat myself on the back, the world knows I have delivered my share of shame and detestable actions.  I bring this up because I was reminded of this incident today as I read the headlines of yet another kid being bullied.  Anymore you don’t have to look far and we had even written an  about this some time ago.

Recently a boy had asked Santa to bring a Christmas present early.  That present is to stop his sister from being bullied any further.  No longer did he wish for a remote control car or helicopter, but instead to intervene on behalf of his sister.  It has pierced his heart and he no longer knows where to go.  I know many parents are doing their best, but so many questions need to be asked and so many children need to know this is not okay.

bully

How do we begin to stand up for others?  How do we fill the gap?  In our seminars we mentioned how men, true masculine, mature, men, are protectors and defenders of those who cannot fend for themselves.  No matter what race, gender, creed, or orientation.  My grandfather once told me that some courage is standing up for what is right, or for someone else, when no one else will.  I’m not sure how to close this except with one last question; what will you do to fill the gap, to stand for someone else?  What will you do?

M. Larsen

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Violence is Madness, So is Silence

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2013 by full1mpact

When I first started this article I wasn’t sure where to even begin. Not that there isn’t enough material on the subject of men and violence, but that there is so much that everything sort of crosses over. Full 1mpact© has long been advocates of Amnesty International and strongly opposed against, not only violence against women, but violence towards children as well. We despise bullying and anything that exploits people and preys upon the common person.amnesty_logo

So where to begin? I suppose by just jumping in the pool with the attempt of being heard. As a man against violence towards women and children, and other people. When speaking with another friend of mine about this article and some hang-ups I’d been having he asked if I thought there was ever a time violence was appropriate. I said, flatly, “never.” He then raised his eyebrows and said, “Really? Then why were you a boxer and still enjoy combat sports.” That’s the truth. I love combat sports. I always have. The drama, the victory, the hard work, all of it is exciting to me.

So lets be clear, the violence I am NOT talking about is boxing, MMA, or other combat sports where two trained athletes or fighters are entering an arena knowing full well what they are about to get into. Some people hate even that level of violence. I do not hate it, I very much enjoy it. But that isn’t what I’m writing about here.

The violence I am so adamantly against is one person abusing another person. Abusing by either bullying, sexually abusing someone, verbally, or physically in some way. Part of my frustration is this common belief in victim shaming. The common idea is that the victim must have done something to provoke that behavior. I remember experiencing this first had in Kindergarten.  Without going into heavy detail about my home situation with a step-parent, I went to my teacher. I was five years old. I told her I had been struck, several times. Her response was, “Well, what did you do so that happened?” I’ll never forget the sense of solitude I would carry from that day forward. I would later go on to tell two others who could have done something but did nothing, or had similar responses.

What could a child, of 5 yrs, do to provoke being slammed into a wall or stricken by an adult? The answer is nothing. It is a five year old child. What about women? The answer remains the same. I even had a gentleman once ask me, “What if she a hostile woman and is physically abusive herself?” I answered with, “Why would you stay in any relationship with physical violence? Or any violence for that matter?”

Violence is a choice, ladies and gentlemen. You can act on it, or you can control it. Or you can speak up and get help. Two things work against a lot of victims. One is victim shaming, where somehow the victim is part of this dance. The other is the silence of others who know about it. Either willingly in denial or using the scapegoat of, “It’s none of my business.”  If it is public, it is your business. If you can hear it through your living room walls it is your business. Hearing it is witnessing it. Stand up because you might end up being someone’s guardian angel when they need it the most. I cannot tell you the number of times I wished someone would have stepped in for me.

I also challenge you to support a local charity or a group, like Amnesty International. Which brings me to the next part of this story; As I was clearing my thoughts and going through what material to use I came across an article about a strong girl named Heather and a gentleman, Sir Patrick Stewart. In this clip he is at a fan convention and asked a question aside from his acting, aside from his known role as Captain Pickard. His reaction is that of a true man. One who has not only experienced the trauma in his own way, but is making a stand. And the girl, a lucky Heather Skye; who asked the question and received love, comfort, and reassurance from one human, to another.patrick1patrick2patrick3

Heather, there are those who are championing the cause, as we all know you are. Lead on and never stop. Men, you must also lead by example to your fellow man. Stick up for those who cannot stick up for themselves. Step in, speak up, speak out, and cover those who cannot cover themselves. It is a thankless job at times, you will be challenged, but you will never regret standing in the gap for those who cannot stand for themselves.

Heather’s own words from her blog.

With that said, please enjoy the media and live strong.

M. W. Larsen

The Man Myths (c) Misdirection

Posted in arrogance, attraction, confidence, dating, friend zone, inspirational, men's health with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2013 by full1mpact

 

Years ago when deciding to be a part of Full 1mpact, I envisioned a place where guys could be a part of something where they could grow in a stable environment.  I saw a place that teaches everything from health and sexuality, to true masculinity.  In that vision was a group that decided we would not be fooled by pop-media, nor would we bow down to broken belief systems that are harmful to everyone.  That choice was spawned by my own journey through myths, lies, and half-truths that pepper a boy’s growing up experience.

In that journey I had to literally swim through information and misinformation from one study group to another or from one men’s guru, to another.  But this has never stopped.  Every bit of information I find, I keep.  Good or bad.  The reason is simple; I want to help where I needed help during my life span.  That vision I mentioned?  Yeah, the one where guys learn about real masculinity?  We can’t teach that if we don’t understand or haven’t experienced the triumphs or failures ourselves.  Recently we’ve been going through the Man Myths curriculum, in doing so we’ve had to once again swim through the video guru’s and leaders to find some gold.  In doing so, I’ve stumbled across a myriad of misinformation.  It is no wonder boys have such a misunderstanding as to the steps to manhood.

I going to write about three recent videos I came across while exploring the net on men’s leaders, guru’s, teachers, mentors, etc.  I am not going to mention their name, business, name of company or ministry.  This isn’t to slander them as an individual.  This is also not to do a comparison of us to them.  This is simply to point out some teachings I came across that I believe are damaging.  I believe most of these guys are earnest in their teachings and really believe they are helping.  I also don’t want to give them anymore web traffic than needed if I can help it.  I’m writing this to give an alternate viewpoint.

Video Guru #1:

In the search for helping guys create that spark of attraction with women I had to dig through endless amounts of material form world renown pickup artists to attraction gurus.  Most are misunderstood in the nature of their teachings, but many are just trying to help guys with absolutely rubbish dating skills.  They teach guys who just have no idea where to start but would really like to be with a girl.  Thus bringing me, Guru 1.

The main teachings:  Guru 1 has a huge reputation in the pickup artist community and has even had several reality shows to back up his skills.  He teaches guys scripted techniques on how to talk to women to create the attraction.  Just as important he also teaches perfect body language to project to a girl to create attraction and uses sociological and psychological techniques that have been long considered controversial, despite how effective those techniques might be.  His shtick is that the scripts work and has even had boot camp contests for men, where the guy who picks up a girl fastest with his scripted techniques wins a trip to his mansion and other prizes.

The Issue:  I have read cover to cover, most of this man’s books.  He comes from a place of fierce female rejection and humiliation at a young age when he just wanted to be with a beautiful girl.  So he tries to spare men that same pain.  The issue at hand is that it’s scripted.  I’m not talking pick-up lines or lame jokes, I am talking about well thought out and planned scripts with body language and everything.  As though you are an actor in a movie.  And that is the problem.

Men are taught that this is all they need to know.  Many master the techniques and do very well with the ladies.  There are also blogs about where to go after you’ve gotten her home a few times.  How then do you develop an actual relationship?  You see, the script only teaches you how to create a cardboard cutout of a man, display it, and hope the girl doesn’t see behind it.

As a teacher he hasn’t taught the guys internal steps to great character, how to treat a woman for long-term romance, or how to communicate that direction if that is where your interest is.  In a recent article sex expert, Timaree Schmit, posted; “When Can We Bang?” http://sexwithtimaree.com/2013/01/30/when-can-we-bang/  she covers the importance of a pure line of communication.  Something we’ve also stressed at Full 1mpact.  There is nothing wrong with honest communications about your intentions.

On a side note, as I said previously, I have read this man’s material.  I believe for guys who are just starting to test the waters in talking to beautiful, attractive, women, this is a good way to get their feet wet and actually obtain some confidence to try talking to women using these techniques.  Sort of like a starter kit.  But for guys who want deep game, this shouldn’t by any means be permanent.  Let’s move on.

 

Video Guru #2:

The main teachings:  He believes too many men put women on a pedestal.  (I agree.)  However he also refers to a woman’s attitude when disagreeing with your attempts of “attraction” as a “bitch attitude” and warns against it.  Like Guru 1, he teaches forms of body language that is linked to the sub-conscious and therefore comes across as much stronger and more persuasive, if not purely manipulative.  He often refers to women in derogatory form and is applauded by his audience.

He does side courses on confidence, but it is usually peppered with what I call “comparison confidence” where your confidence is derived from something inferior about someone else.  In his main teaching he makes these three claims:  1. He can get you laid faster than any other teaching guru.  2.  The women won’t know what to do about you. (This I actually agree, but from the sheer shock of offense spewed their way.)  3.  You will learn to be a true Alpha-Male.

The Issue:  Where do I begin?  Guru 2 also comes from a background of deep seeded rejection stemming all the way from his mother, he admits in a video interview from 2004.   His teachings dive straight into the fountain of misogynistic fortitude.  Though he deeply believes he is helping young men get “laid the easy way,” he is constantly teaching from a platform of “Us against Them.”  He constantly degrades women and hints at Rape Culture with his subconsciously persuasive “touch” body language where he has taught that an innocent pat on the butt is okay if it’s done correctly.  Where I come from that can be considered sexual assault.

Putting anyone, (Women, Men, a specific race) in a place of “lesser than you,” helps no one.  It stems from lack of understanding, and reaps destructive relationships.  It also promotes the mistreatment of women and men you see lesser than yourself.  To me, that is bullying and is not an okay attribute.

Guru 2’s Alpha Male Club teachings; A true man never has to compare or prove himself to anyone but himself.  And a supposed “alpha” never has to belittle other men as a way of making themselves as higher status.  There is little I find helpful about Guru 2’s teachings.  The majority is offensive and comes across really manipulative.

Video Guru #3:

The Main Teachings:  This gentleman is a teacher who often teaches in men’s seminars on helping boys become men and does a fairly decent job of pointing out boy behavior that continues into adulthood.  He also identifies the struggle with modern time’s inability to distinctly identify real manhood or masculinity.  Often uses the media as an example of how marketing targets young men in their ads.  “Real men buy this,” or “Real men want this thing,” and then young men go out and buy those very objects in hoping to be “real men.”

He goes into detail about how real men skip adolescents and understand 5 basic sociological changes that move them straight into adulthood.   Guru 3 also teachings men on becoming givers, and not takers and those real men don’t need to acquire large school debts or credit card debts buying toys.  He then calls people out for enabling a long list of unattractive boy behavior.  And those people are mothers, sisters, and girlfriends to these boys.  Because they’re enabling and allowing this behavior.

The Issue:  Though I find myself agreeing on the behavior aspect of his teachings and also the increasing inability of guys to identify what it takes to be a real man, I am afraid that Guru 3 speaks in half-truths.  Though he successfully labels the five major sociological changes boys have made over the centuries that helped step them into manhood, it is taught as, “Do these five things, and you will be a man.” It comes across as though it is just that simple.  But it isn’t that simple, especially when the majority of masculinity stems from the internal, not the external.

When he teaches on boy behaviors that carry into adulthood, he uses a tactic I refer to as shame teaching.  This is a tactic used where you make fun of the people doing the undesired behavior, usually in your audience, explain the undesired scenario, and teach it in a way that shames the people that may have done said behavior.  I’ve seen this style in the corporate world, I’ve seen in done by my own teachers, my peers in middle school when I didn’t go out for a sport, and I’ve done it myself to others.  It is relatively ineffective, and doesn’t give the steps a person needs to improve if they lack the skills or tools.

He preaches on to say men should know their vocation and just go into it without acquiring school debt.  I find this impossible if you believe your calling is a doctor, psychologist, lawyer….the list goes on.  I do not believe most people can pay for extensive schooling with cash, nor do I believe anyone is less of a man for needing loans to finish school.  This has NOTHING to do with masculinity.

Lastly, Guru 3 calls out the guys for their cowardice behavior, their unattractive behavior, and then calls out the people who’ve enabled such behavior.  Moms and girlfriends.  The women of these boys’ lives.  He fails to mention the Fathers role in all of this.  So he solely places the finger on women as the enablers of that behavior in the upbringing of the boy to a man.  This creates a woman dishonoring attitude and a chance to use them as an excuse for such behavior.

Though I will agree that a mom, as a parent, is responsible for raising their own children, the father’s role is just as crucial if not more so in laying out the steps of walking into manhood.  (Which Guru 3 also fails to mention.)  In the hours of shame teaching, making fun of men who have no confidence, and scapegoating the issues; he also fails in giving distinct steps to take to help with any of the issues he has with guys.  He is, however, happy to go on rants at how many of the men in his congregation irritate and frustrate him.

In conclusion, I’ve mentioned these Guru’s as a way of showing us what is out there.  The frightening part is, many men are buying into this in hopes of answering their life long question, “Am I a man?” or, “Will this make me a man?”  Many of the men buying into these teachings are also hurt and looking for a remedy.  In growing up I was bombarded with similar messages.  Filtering through them was and always has been a challenge.  So what is the truth?  We created The Man Myths © to uncover those truths and de-myth the common beliefs.

One of my long time mentors, Eben Pagan, once taught a seminar on teaching useful information.  He said, “As a teacher you can never assume your audience even knows the basics of what you know.  That assumption will not interpret the way you want it to and you will lose your listeners.”  Without practical steps to take, tools, and useful advice one becomes just another opinion on a matter that would probably be useful if had the vehicle to get there.  And that is what we always strive to do at our seminars;  to give you the proper steps to take that anyone can apply to their lives for improvement.  Until next time.

 

William M. Jeffries

5 Movie Characters Who Could Benefit From Full 1mpact

Posted in attraction, confidence, dating, friend zone, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2012 by full1mpact

In preparation for our January 9th event, the first of many free seminars, we want to do something a little fun.  What if we were able to offer our services to a few fictional characters we have seen in movies?  Granted, the movie wouldn’t have had the drama it did and it is that very drama that makes most movies enjoyable.  But what if, what if we could have helped and how would we have done this?  Imagine if Emperor Commodus was secure with his identity, or what if Fisher from 21 got out of his own ego and worked as a team?  Yeah, we’re not sure what would’ve happened either, probably wouldn’t have made as good of a movie, but hey, sometimes these fictional characters exist in people we know.  (Disclaimer:  We are not saying every case is curable or that we are therapists since several characters were in need of some serious therapy sessions.)  WARNING:  Movie Spoilers Ahead.

Movie:  Gladiator

Character:  Emperor Commodus

Storyline:  In short, Emperor Commodus smothers his father to death and takes over as ruler of Rome; he condemns Maximus to death for not giving him total loyalty.  Maximus rises up through the gladiator ranks and outshines the Emperor of Rome.  This provokes him to try numerous times to kill Maximus in the arena with no avail.  Finally he decides to fight Maximus himself after stabbing the gladiator in the side with a shiv to give the Emperor the advantage.  Still doesn’t work out for him as he is forced to taste that shiv for himself in one final fight.

Issue at hand:  Where do we start?  This guy is teaming with self-destructive habits and esteem. Chronic father issues aside, he falls victim to his own agenda and aspirations.  He desires to be the greatest ruler of Rome and tries desperately to fill the shoes of his father.  He constantly compares himself to other great men, unsure of his own identity, and disguises his quest to fill the void of genuine love in his life with the ambition of building a greater Rome and being loved in the eyes of the people.  And that is just the surface or tip of the iceberg so to speak.

How Full 1mpact Address This:  Let’s pretend for a moment that Commodus decides to get professional help for his lack of a father growing up and what issues rose to surface from that.  Yeah.  So how could we help?

Step 1:  Help him identify the great qualities that are inside of him that he respects in other men.  Doing this he begins to realize that he doesn’t have to fill someone else’s shoes or compare himself to another man.  He can be his own man without an ambition.  This will also show him he has no reason to be jealous of Maximus and he can be a true brother and friend or ally.  This security would also help him in dealing with bureaucratic politicians who would otherwise look down upon him for his lack of knowledge or experience.

Step 2:  Help him realize he doesn’t need everyone’s approval.  By introducing him to the “Man Myths” series he’d understand that pleasing everyone is just as impossible as it is taxing on the spirit.  It is also manipulative.  Manipulative in what ways? The idea that, if he does something for people, that they should love him.  That is buying love, or fishing for approval.  None of it works and men often get trapped into this especially when trying to attract a woman.  He would need to realize the great paradox, to put in motion things that would help Rome’s best interest in his opinion, but understand not everyone will approve or love him for it.  And be comfortable with that rather than threatened.

Step 3:  Though this ties into number two, it is still very relevant.  And that is to help him begin to start loving himself in a non-narcissistic, but healthy, manner.  This way he isn’t searching everywhere else for his needs.  He’d begin to understand the core of whomever and whatever he wants to be is deep inside him first.  Everything else will fall into line.

How will this all help him?  The father issue is the big obvious, and that goes without question that if the issue isn’t resolved it’d be hard to get anywhere.  Inside of that, he has two iconic men he is comparing himself to constantly and competing with.  It’s kind of like an amateur boxer deciding he’s going to compete and go twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.  That just never works out very well and you end up feeling jaded and tortured.  (And very sore.)

By identifying his own core virtues that make him strong in his own identity he has no need to compare.  He is solid with the belief he can be his own man and be iconic in his own way.  In doing so he could very well restore many broken relationships he already has.  With those relationships restored he could then understand and enjoy real love, not manufactured or manipulated love.  Or even demanded love, as we see later on in the film as he begins to spiral more out of control.

Movie:  Legends of the Fall

Character:  Alfred Ludlow

Storyline:  In Legends of the Fall we follow the Ludlow; The Colonel, three brothers, and Susanna, as they survive through seasons of trials of losing loved ones.  Tristan tries to wrestle with his inner wildness as Alfred tries to wrestle with his own identity as well; all the while each of them misses their brother Samuel that they lost in WWI.  All of the characters wrestle with love, historic battles, and seasons.

Issue At Hand:  Alfred tries hard to be a people pleaser, at the same time win the hand of Susanna, whose heart is still with Tristan.  Alfred blames and resents Tristan for Samuels’s death as well as Tristan’s success and popularity.  He also resents that Tristan allows himself to abide by own rules and is loved regardless.  Alfred goes on to pursue Susanna through persuasion and manipulation, blaming Tristan.  At the same time he becomes a successful politician and lives near his mother where he believes he’ll be accepted more.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:  This one isn’t as extensive as Mr. Commodus, and in fact is quite common.  I would even say half of the men we’ve encountered have had trouble similar to that of Alfred here.

Step 1:  Alfred is a people pleaser first and foremost.  He even says it himself at Susanna’s funeral.  “I followed all of the rules, man’s and God’s. And you, you followed none of them. And they all loved you more. Samuel, Father, and my… even my own wife.”  So our job is to get him to identify that life isn’t so much about rules, or even “Everyone’s” rules.  Again we have a guy who, out of insecurity, is comparing his love level to that of another man.  “What am I doing wrong?” is often the question at hand.  Tristan had to wrestle his own demons, while Alfred spent time pleasing everyone else which led to his work as a politician.  We would show him that he cannot please everyone.  He needs to make the choice to identify with his own demons, traits, skills, and character then go from there.  Build up from the core and decide his own set of rules and follow those.

Step 2:  Help him to understand he needs to take responsibility for himself, and his own actions.  Yes, very basic, but nonetheless very profound.  Like I said earlier, Alfred is a common scene in many guys, and so is the desire to pass responsibility.  Alfred blames Tristan for Samuel’s death, for Susanna being alone, for breaking all the rules, and doesn’t take a moment to realize what it is he is doing to add to the poison.  The Colonel, Alfred’s father, even says, “Samuel decided for himself to be a soldier, and soldiers are killed…” trying to get Alfred to understand it has nothing to do with the fact he is trying to pursue Tristan’s fiancé.  He fails to understand that he made the choice to try and persuade Susanna to be with him.  And that he himself became a people pleaser and manipulator.  Taking responsibility takes the power back to you, saying, “I have the power to make choices, good or bad, and the power to own up to them.”  Passing responsibility to someone else says, “They have the power to decide how much love I get, or who accepts me, or my path in life.”  By passing the responsibility, one also passes on their own personal power.

Step 3:  Teach him to attract a woman who loves him, not his brother.  A major issue of resentment was his wife still very much was in love with Tristan, even though Tristan knew it would never work.  The old Tristan died, and the new was born.  She never got passed that.  And despite that fact, Alfred still “persuades” her to marry him instead.  He manipulates her by offering her security, but the issue remains.  The issue is never addressed to the point where she realizes she cannot be happy without Tristan.  (An issue within itself.)  So she commits suicide.  A man should never have to persuade or manipulate love.  Had Alfred been his own man, comfortable and secure within himself and addressed his own personal demons in his own way, he could have found someone who’d compliment his character as he compliments hers.  He’d be able to attract someone who loves him for who he is not his brother.

How will all of this help him?:  Again he’d be secure in himself, and begin identifying his own demons to address rather than trying to place blame on his brother.  And rather than be someone who fishes for acceptance he accepts himself and puts the former aside.  Also, he’d understand more fully the dynamic of attraction between a man and a woman.  Rather than being jaded because a woman isn’t solely attracted to a comfortable lifestyle, he’d be secure in knowing that he had the power to attract a woman himself rather than compare himself to another man.

Movie:   The Holiday

Character:  Jasper

Storyline:  Ah, you didn’t think I’d go without a Christmassy movie this time of year did you?  In the Holiday Iris is still in love with a guy who is marrying another woman, a man who has, in the past, used her and eventually told her that their love is like “a round peg in a square hole, it just doesn’t fit.”  In order to get away from it all she swaps houses for the Holiday with a woman in California.  Here she begins to see from afar that the “love” she had with Jasper was pure venom.

Issue at Hand:  Though Jasper’s overall role in the film is pretty much a scant few scenes, his role is huge.  He is a womanizer, but not just a womanizer; he likes to keep them on an emotional string.  Interestingly enough, he knows perfectly how to bait the hook and cast it.  He understands attraction, and he fully understands manipulation.  And sadly, men like this rarely see themselves needing help from Full 1mpact when in fact they may need it the most.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:  We’d begin by first seeing how willing Jasper would be to see what exactly he is creating with his actions.  And also allow him to understand himself a little better and his “need” to control multiple women.  By control we mean using manipulation tactics.

Step 1:  Rather than calling him a womanizer and kicking his ass for his douchebag behavior, sometimes a more subtle approach is needed.  And that is to get him to identify that his actions are harmful.  I had a guy once ask, “Well what if I wasn’t married?”  My question immediately was, “Do all of the women in your life know about one another, and if so, are they okay with this?”  If the answer is no, then you, my friend are causing harm.  You are being dishonest at someone else’s expense.  It isn’t that Full 1mpact is all about monogamy, or against multiple relationships, so much as we are about honesty.  Honesty fills the gaps.  His actions are harmful in that when the truth is told, people are severely hurt.  His actions are at another person’s expense.  In the series, “Kill the Boy” that is typical “boy-behavior” in that his actions benefit him, and him alone.

Step 2:  Help him understand he needs to make a choice.  Either get married, or don’t.  Either seals the deal, and commit to a life devoted to one woman, or if Jasper still feels he needs to live in the dating circuit, by all means, do so.  But choose and commit to that choice.  And not at the expense of other people.  He’d be better respected if he could commit to a lifestyle, or commit to changing that lifestyle when the time is right rather than hook and bait women.

Step 3:  Help him to identify his need to control and manipulate the emotions of women, and keep them on a string for when he thinks he needs them later.  Pop Psychology would suggest this is a major mother issue at work here.  Possibly, or any number of possibilities without fully knowing the entire backstory.  But more than likely there is a deeper, more sinister work at hand.  Probably a wound inside that he hasn’t faced or wrestled with.  You see, though his actions seem light-hearted, “hey I just want to have some fun, be with some ladies, no harm, no foul here.” They are actually very aggressive towards women.  His aggression is in the form of emotionally baiting women and dishonesty.  Though we are not therapists here at Full 1mpact, we do have access to them and would suggest to him the need to see one.  Otherwise he poses the possibility of damaging every relationship with women he is in.

How does all of this help him?  Hopefully by identifying his “boy-behavior” he can begin to address new habits and actions and commit to who he wants to be without another person’s expense.  The previous lifestyle of using women to manipulate creates such a state of inner turmoil and drama; he’d appreciate the peace of just “being” with someone.  The freedom of allowing the cards to fall where they may is so liberating, especially to a relationship.  Meaning, we allow the other person to be whoever they wish.  Or be with, whomever they wish.

Movie:  Magnolia

Character: Frank T.J. Mackey

Storyline:  Two parallel and intercut stories dramatize men about to die: both are estranged from a grown child, both want to make contact, and neither child wants anything to do with dad. Earl Partridge’s son Frank is a charismatic misogynist; Jimmy Gator’s daughter is a cokehead and waif. A mild and caring nurse intercedes for Earl, reaching the son; a prayerful and upright beat cop meets the daughter, is attracted to her, and leads her toward a new calm. (Taken from IMDB since our explanation was too lengthy.)

Issues at hand:  Let us move aside the easy, pop psychology, father and mother issues.  Those two are obvious from the get-go and anyone who took basic human behavior or basic Psyche 101 can see that plain as day.  So we move to his actions.  He leads a men’s self-development program to help guys get women and be “better men.”  Hmm…sound familiar?  It’s obvious he has taken some profound pain and wreckage and compiled it into success in his own life.  You see the wreckage in spat throughout the film, until the end when it pours over, still unresolved.  Frank leads his followers down his own path in which he clearly brags about following what he preaches during an interview.  But the poison appears that he is leading men out of defense with an, “Us against them,” attitude.  He makes women the enemy, not a companion, through clear emotional manipulation techniques in order to gain control.  Sound familiar?  *coughJaspercough* He teaches other hurt men, who are seeking clear answers, to follow suite.  In the industry of dating advice, pick-up artists, and men’s development this can sometimes show up.  Rather than leading men through his past pain, he is leading them within it.  Meaning, he leads them as a result of the pain in a defensive manner than puts men against women in an aggressive stage where you “tame” her.  We could write an entire 20 page article on just this fictional character alone since there are a few like him.  Yes, a few men’s help gurus who teach similar to Frank’s philosophies.

How does Full 1mpact address this?:   This could pose a challenge for one main reason, and that is Frank sees himself as a leader of men. He puts himself out as a messiah in a way to men searching to have a level of success with women where they failed or were hurt in the past.  Rather than showing them a path that benefits both parties, he serves only to fuel their wounds with aggressive, sociopathic, and manipulative motives.  Frank believes he is right, and his followers feed that belief system.  Full 1mpact would have to hit him where it hurts, and show him those wounds could heal.  (After passing him a number to one of our many therapists.)

Step 1:  We’d have to demonstrate first-hand the ability to attract women at no one’s expense.  Show him, in the field that not only can it be done, but it can be done quite effectively.  Also demonstrate to him that true masculinity is not threatened by true femininity.  They complement one another.  In order to show him this we’d allow him free consultation with one of our field experts to work with him.  Considering he’d take any of our advice we’d have to show him we’re not a threat, as women are not a threat.

Step 2:  Take him to The Man Myths 101 Boot Camp.  Why?  His ideas of masculinity shown on film suggest he’s adopted lies of true manhood and masculinity.  To say the least, he’s even quoted his own “how to” chapter entitled, “How to fake like you are nice and caring.”  The message here is telling men not to be either one.  To pretend and put up a cardboard cut out of whom you want them to see you as.  One of the myths is that men shouldn’t show emotion or be caring.  There is a difference between being overly emotional and “too caring,” and being in touch with both.  At the boot camp he’d be forced to address all of the above issues and consider them.  He’d also be forced to compare his ideas of masculinity to what is real and what is myth.

Step 3:  Work WITH his organization.  Huh?  Did I just write that?  Why would Full 1mpact work with an organization that alienates and manipulates women?  The character of Frank T.J. Mackey is a master at men’s emotions, not just women’s.  He understands what motivates men, and how to push the pain button to get them in his seminars.  And he already has masses of true believers.  By side-saddling with him we’d agree to revamp his seminars considering he’d let us in.  After steps one and two, he’d be questioning the authenticity of his organization and how to proceed further in a more positive direction.  Imagine if he went public and apologized for his previous theories.  His organization would double, with not only the support of men, but also women.  Working with Full 1mpact would be win/win for both parties.

Movie:  Just Friends

Character:  Chris Brander

Storyline:  Chris Brander has always been friends with Jamie Palamino, but now decides it is time to take his relationship to the next step. The problem is, is that Jamie still wants to be ‘Just Friends’. When he runs away and moves to L.A., he becomes an attractive music manager, who everyone wants. When he ends up back home, to his surprise, he encounters Jamie again, and sets out to be more than ‘Just Friends’ this time. Curtsey of IMDB

Issue at Hand:  The friend-zone.  Ah, yes the evil, inevitable, friend-zone that so many of us have encountered over the years.  You buy her gifts, flowers, write her poems and give her free artwork, and yet…you’re friend-zoned.  Why can’t a girl just love a guy for who he is, and why can’t a guy just wear his heart on his sleeve?  Especially when you show her that you’re always there for her no matter what, and then show her you can give her whatever she needs?  Well, we’re about to answer that question for you.   But first, let’s identify that the Chris Brander we’re talking about in this film is prior to him leaving for Los Angeles.

How would Full 1mpact address this?:  This is one of the most common issues men run into with a girl they like.  We would show Chris how to create attraction by first creating his own boundaries.  Then we’d follow up by showing him the difference between the good guy and the nice guy.

Step 1:  Get him OUT of the “friend behavior set” as soon as possible.  At the beginning of the film it is possibly too late for our friend Chris.  He’s friend-zoned himself so solid he might as well go and get his nails done with her.  Whether he is friend-zoned or not at this point is irrelevant since the skill set he would learn of identifying the zone would help him with future endeavors.

Step 2:  Help him to understand the difference between identifying her great qualities and honoring her, as opposed to putting her on a pedestal.  In the film, at the beginning you see him with what some would consider a shrine of her.  That level of “devotion” puts unrealistic expectations on her, as well as him and sets him up for failure.  (As he finds out in the film.)  It is okay to see great qualities in a woman, but it is something else entirely to make her the center of your universe and source of your happiness.  As romantic and poetic as it sounds, when you make someone the source of your happiness you objectify them and place an expectation on them to provide you that happiness.  Whether you realize it or not.  Happiness should always come from within, not without.

Step 3:  Full 1mpact would set him up with the confidence package.  Yes, that confidence is what we’d work on in order to help him stay out of the friend-zone.  You see, if he had the level of confidence he needed, he’d take the risk of putting his neck out there and saying directly what his intentions are.  Guys who friend-zone themselves take the easy way, or what they believe is the less painful route.  With the belief they’ll sneak in through the back door and “show her” how caring they really are by “always being there,” often the only message they are relaying is, “I’m a great friend,” and nothing more.  With confidence in his arsenal, Chris Brander would be able to not only deliver that message, but be able to follow through in the future.

I hope you enjoyed this as we pulled apart some of our favorite flicks with some serious, and hopefully some humorous musings with these fictional characters.  We understand that without those characters, these stories just wouldn’t be the same and would never take away from the writer’s hard work in putting those stories together.  If you want any information about Full 1mpact, seminar dates, or consultation information, please email us at full1mpact@yahoo.com or find us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/Full1mpact .  Thank you for taking your time out to read this and have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy New Year, we will see you on January 9th.  –William M. Jeffries

Bully, Bully, Bully

Posted in arrogance, attraction, charismatic, confidence, dating, Fear, friend zone, inspirational, men, men's health, mentorship, nice guys, self development, self help with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2012 by full1mpact

                Lately in the news I’ve been seeing a trend in the headlines on bullying.  It surfaces and resurfaces about every five years.  Every time it resurfaces there are new statistics on kids being bullied, workplace bullying, cyber bullying and so forth.  As of now, according to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children,  each day it is estimated that 160,000 students refuse to  go to school because of bullying.  That doesn’t include the children that do go back.  The ones that suffer daily. 

                There are more statistics covering suicides related to constant bullying, drug abuse, and other destructive symptoms of being targeted.  As technology grows, then so does the ways in which one can bully.  Cyber bullying itself has gotten some media buzz due to the mob mentality behind it.  How it’s easy to bully when you don’t have a face or have to be in person to issue the verbal abuse.  But what about adults, or workplace bullying?  Is this growing as well as we move into the second decade of the new century?

                What sparked my interest in writing this article in a blog related to men’s development is sort of two fold.  I had first seen the recent news stories on the woman, Karen Klein, who was horribly bullied by young middle school kids as a bus monitor.  The second is myself, being someone who didn’t hit his growth spurt until almost the end of High School and was bullied.  I cannot stand bullies or the nature behind it.  Though I fully understand it.

                Personally I do not believe this is a new epidemic.  Not at all.  Nor do I believe it is “on the rise.”  I believe we are merely being made aware of it.  When I grew up no one talked about it much.  If a kid was picked on to the point his or her parents were involved, then usually the kid would get picked on more.  The kid was literally, in most cases, forced to deal with the cards dealt.  And those who cannot relate, in my honest opinion, were probably never subject to that level of indignity.  Nor were they ever forced to witness it.

                During my first initial journey to understanding my own masculinity I wanted to know everything there was to know about growing and about life.  Everything that I wasn’t taught as a boy.  What was I missing?  I interviewed and documented dozens of men from every background, and various professions.  Firefighters, police officers, doctors, nurses, psychologists, you name it.  Every subject came up from camping and fishing, sex and money, to gambling and vices.  But one topic was common throughout, and that was bullies.  Some were bullied, others were the bully. 

                Listening to these men allowed me to come to terms with my own life.  Having bullied my little brother because I was bullied both at home and in school, I had some weight to remove.   Some men were able to forgive either the bully or themselves.  Others finally snapped and struck back at the bully, allowing themselves a victory in their life.  The feeling of never being bullied again.  Some guys even ended up as best friends with the thug after coming to an understanding.  But what is that understanding?   What caused the infraction to begin with?

                One of the first things in Full 1mpact we teach is identifying boy-man behavior.  The “inner punk” as one person once referred to it.  How do you identify this behavior?  It is behavior that is both destructive to yourself, others, or your personal goals in life.  It derives from fear, lack, and entitlement amongst a few other things.  One of those traits is insecurity.  Dealing with your own personal insecurity.

                We all deal with insecurity on one level or another.  It is how it is dealt with that defines a man as opposed to a boy, or a bully.  In all of my studies most bullies are or were bullied elsewhere themselves.  Like a territorial predator, they feel threatened and lash out.  Or quite simply in order to maintain, what they believe subconsciously as an “alpha status,” they choose someone weaker and a pecking order is established.  Therefore a form of amusement is made and at the cost of another individual.  In the “alpha status” case there is usually a “pack” of bullies, which is much harder to set boundaries once a pack mentality has been established.

                The majority of bullies, (not all but most.) have one level of insecurity or another.  There is an element that they need to appear “cool” and were at some point taught to do so at someone else’s expense.  Here we teach security.  It comes from within, and not at anyone’s expense.  There is no need to lord over another person, to play power games with them or push them around.  Real men have no need to shove their weight around, constantly having to show their might.  There is just simply no need.

                 I’ve seen former bullies talk about the days they harmed other kids, and they are weighed down by guilt many of them.  When I interviewed a Kansas man, I will remain nameless, he looked to the ground and told me of how he used to follow a kid home just to throw the kid in dirt, mud, or dirty snow.  It made him feel good briefly before he went to his hell hole of a home.  This 254 lb, six foot three firefighter and former cage fighter broke into tears and then told me wished he could go back and tell his younger self to chill out.  To knock it off and think straight.

                He also told me he desperately wished he could tell the other guy he was sorry.  I asked if he had seen him since High School.  The firefighter told me that the young man went to Afghanistan to fight and never came home.  The guilt swept him like a flood but then a flash of anger broke out as he told me about how his dad used to beat him, his mother, and his little brother at home.  Now it all made sense.  This was only one of many cases.  Not all have that background, but many do.  Does that make bullying somehow rectified, or understandable, not exactly.  However, it does shed light on the issue.

                Since I was very young I have always had a sense of justice.  People who harm innocence should pay.  Anger will rush through me like a wildfire when I see or hear of men harming women, children being abused, bullies, or any other injustice done to innocent people or those who cannot defend themselves.  It has always been this way, and it will probably never change.  The idea of someone harming a loved one, or children brings out a side of me I hope no one will ever have to witness.  It is that same sense of justice that is inside of the soldiers that keep this country safe.  Or the honest police man or woman who fights daily to protect our homes.  Perhaps it burns in me a bit hotter because of my past, perhaps not.

                When I was younger my grandfather taught me to always stick up for myself.  I was smaller than most boys so this was ample opportunity for bullies to take advantage of me.  By second grade I had my first fight because a young kid pushed me down in front of my friends so I pushed him back.  Yeah he hit me, but I wanted to show him I could stand up for myself.  For the rest of my life I would have to keep getting back up.  This sticking up for myself had gotten me beat up multiple times and a nose break to boot.  Whether it was a kid at school or my step-father in my younger years, I would end up fending for myself regularly.  And yes, it had a very fracturing impact on my life at that time.

                Did this cause me to bully other kids?  Yes and no.  I bullied my younger brother for certain.  Brutally.  I’ve come to terms with this and have sought forgiveness from him and myself.  I still have a hard time forgiving myself.  Other kids?  Never.  And I even found myself sticking up for kids being bullied later, not sure if I’d be the next target but I figured someone had to.  See, someone has to.  Someone has to say something.

                There is no more, “Kids will be kids” b.s. I just refuse to believe it.  It is a lie.  Kids being kids is what has caused countless suicides in America alone because the kids refuse to go on.  I was there.  I remember hating life and wanting to take my own.  What?   You can’t relate?  Have someone tell you that you are worthless, that you amount to nothing, that you are a literal waste of time, money, and space for close to 15 yrs of your life and see how much of that gets in.  What about several people sending that message to you one way or another?  Does that shed some light?

                You see, they need a voice, the bullied.  They need people to stand in the gap or stick their necks out.  And there are people who are starting to do it!  Better late than never.  Does this mean there needs to be violence answered with more violence?  Hopefully not.  However there are cases where the bully has been answered with a royal ass kicking and I’m really not opposed to that.  I hate to say, I’m pretty okay with it.  Would I go back and kick my own ass for throwing my little brother around?  In a heartbeat.

                Casey Heynes had enough.                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BdAk7H6Lk&feature=related

                He decided that the buck stops here and stood up for himself.  Good for him.  The bully claims he was bullied himself.  It’s sad, I feel bad to a degree but it is no excuse.  My sophomore year of High School my lifelong bully to that point kicked me square in the back after some words were crossed.  I knew it was coming but I wondered if I was going to get yet another beat down like before.  Like Casey Heynes, I had enough.  I had wrestled for a few years and knew how to do simple take downs, and simple but strong arm and headlocks.  So I did just that, I twisted around and wrapped my bully up in a single arm choke hold and took him to the ground.  I used his own arm to begin choking him out.

                Had my mother not been there to intervene, at that state I was in and in that stage of my life I may have killed him.  I wanted to.  He pulled my hair and punched by back but I felt nothing.  I just squeezed and part of me felt free.  I knew this one would never touch me again and if he did, he’d pay.  Fortunately that chapter of my life is over and the relationship with myself and that bully has been patched and redeemed.  Yes, there are happy endings, but often they have to be fought for.  If there is anything you take from this, anything at all please try to understand the bully is more than likely in pain too.  Though not an excuse it is a reality and more than likely they are being bullied on some level themselves.  And two, be a voice.  If ever someone is being treated unjust, victimized, threatened….anything where they cannot fend for themselves, stand in!  Be the voice! 

                Someone once misunderstood Jesus’ message and told me, “You should just turn the other cheek.” when it comes to bullies.  Well…what if the victim has no cheek to turn.  There is no choice.  They try to turn, but can’t.  Then perhaps you should be that cheek.  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  I hope this helps some of you focus and understand where your stance is.

William M.  Jeffries